I think you need a HyperMotard.
I hated my Uly(one letter away from Ugly) within 100 miles of brand new and tried like hell to like it for 40,000 miles.
A good option to a Hyper is the old Multi, fantastic engine and the looks fade away when you twist that throttle. The underseat exhaust gets a bit warm, but not nuclear meltdown Uly warm.
A used Stelvio is a great option.
I absolutely had to drop the Uly and go with something reliable that I didn't have to work on to restore my faith in motorcycles and went with a Yamaha cruiser. Like you said, you have the cruiser side covered.
I just traded an XR650R for an 1150GS. I've always wanted to try owning one, but the entry price for new always put me off. I too dislike the funky front suspension and I'm gathering parts to swap it out for conventional forks.