Your go to, to go two.

I can handle a couple of mosquito bites on the ass way better than squatting on public porcelain filth. So my preference is a little quality time alone with Mother Nature. Which is why long rides feature a zip lock bag of TP in the old Wolfman. And, being a land surveyor, I do have some experience with the gotta go and no place to do it thing.

I read this thread and had to shit.

I'm writing this from the crapper.

Oh, and +1 on the Coleman Biowipes. They're biodegradable, and I like them more than baby wipes because they're not coated with some slippery aloe shit. Available at any Walmart, along with Coghlan's camping toilet paper rolls. They pack much smaller.

Always look before you sit, especially when you are somewhere that sells clear industrial adhesives.

McDonald's is always a pretty safe bet.

I figure they've deposited enough shit in me over the years... why not return the favor?

I hate doing in town or suburban surveys. never have to worry about finding a place to crap when doing a woodlot survey. I carry TP in a ziplock as well on the bike. but out in the woods, spagnum moss is softer than any TP made

This is correct

After years of remote biological surveys, fishing boats and barge work I can poop anywhwere- 5 gallon bucket, over the side, porta john tied to the back deck of a survey boat or cat scratch in the dirt.

In fact it is kinda wierd now that I am 43 and get to use a flush toilet every day... not used to all the civilization.

I dont carry TP, but I do have a pocket knife- cut the Tshirt sleave off if needs be.

Until this thread I honestly thought I was the only weirdo who made it a point to shit at McDonalds as often as possible. :eek1


Eat at McDonalds? No way. That's where everyone shits.

the thing about MacD is no body washes their hands there...because they don't have paper towels, just the blow driers..I figure.

decent coffee...

Those paper maps would come in handy for Starkmojo... cut his wardrobe budget down to nuthin'.

Its called a Bumper Dumper:



Quite a few touring bikes in the US have Hitch Receivers. So, ya just unhitch the Lees-ure Lite camper trailer and fit the Bumper Dumper kit.

If you are shy, you can take your H-D back behind a stand of trees for some screening from view. After use, you detach , and fold, the Dump Bag before packing that s-it away in a suitable space. . . . . Topbox?

Funny story...

Riding down the tollway at 85 one day when a brown growler came out of nowhere and started trying to punch out my leather cheerio like Mike Tyson punching a donut. Instantaneous transition from "what a lovely day" to "oh crap, THIS is when you stand on the pegs."

Anywho, I countersteered left to go right, swooped across 4 lanes and onto the exit ramp and nose wheelied into a spot at the first 7-11 and put down the stand, pulled the helmet, and then penguin waddle sprinted to the restrooms in the back. I rattled the door handle on the men's room, but it didn't budge and I heard a noise from inside. You know the grunts and groans of horror that are always coming from the cellar beneath the haunted church right before the dumb hot chick walks down the stairs in the vampire horror movies? That's the noise the poor ghoul was making in there. "Hmmmmm, the ladies' room might be empty" I thought. "Thank God Almighty!" Clicked the door lock, dropped pants and dropped payload mid-flight on the way to the seat.

I want a porcelain house, because that stuff contained the power of a thousand Hiroshimas. Sitting there relieved, frigid sweat rolling out of every pore, I began to worry, and then chuckle, because I could imagine some proper woman waiting to use this little room after me My maniacal laughter soon subsided when I realized that the true horror was yet to come: no TP!

"SHIT! LITERALLY AND FIGURATIVELY" Yeah, I actually said all of that. The restroom was equipped with one of those locking buttpaper dispensers that lets the next roll drop down when the previous is spent. The problem is that there is no indicator that the visible roll is actually the backup roll. (Note: TP dispenser red/green safety flag would be a marketable idea ) Not. One. Square. My mind started racing. Soon I was talking to myself.

"Pull yourself together, we've been through worse"

"Right, maybe there are paper towels!"

"Nope, just an empty cardboard tube mocking me with its non-absorbent properties"

"Look! A wastebasket! Maybe you can wipe with discarded paper that, if you're lucky, some hobo only blew his nose with."

"Nope, *digging through trashcan* just soiled diapers and tampons in here"

At this point I decided to pull off my shirt and tear it into patches (did that once at a Golden Corral) Apparently that shirt has woven kevlar and kryptonite because I almost pooped again trying to tear it. I'm a pretty strong guy; I remove spring type radiator hose clamps everyday with my fingers instead of pliers. "Not gonna happen"

"Where's my knife?"

"In your tankbag silly, you were in hurry remember?"

"Well yeah, I had to poo!"

At this point my heart truly sank. I spent the next 10 minutes trying to decide how I was going to explain, over the phone, to the 7-11 lady, who appeared to not be very fluent in the english, that I needed her to go unlock the ladies' room, brave the foulest of stench, and bring me the finest roll of single ply that she had to offer. I finally decided that I would demand it. I mean, unless she wants explorers, thousands of years from now, to discover my mummified body in the underground chamber of self service fuel distribution, that she better bring the damned roll.

Having that all worked out, I started through my gear for the phone. "It's in the tankbag too, stupid."

"ALLES IST VERLOREN!" I cried, and then the ugly reality finally set in. I was going to have to remove the filth manually. If you've ever seen 127 hours, you'll know that it took me a while to get my mind right about the task "at hand." That guy had to chop his arm off with a rusty chinese pocket knife, but surely he didn't have to stick his fingers in something that looked and felt like warm chocolate pudding, did he? I'll spare you any more details, but there wasn't any soap left after I was done washing my hands.

Apparently the woman who worked there forgot I had gone into the back half an hour before, because she seemed startled to see me come walking through with the grin of a man who had just reached the summit of Everest or killed a grizzly bear with his bare hands. I thanked her for her hospitality and said "Ma'am, the ladies room is out of tissue"

The look on her face was priceless

I now carry TP when riding anywhere. Also, I don't go to 7-11.

Yessssssssssssssssssss! This thread is back!



When you take a dump in a McDonalds bathroom = McShit

When you try to take a dump in a McDonalds but the staff stop you and say it's for customers only and you reply, I'll buy something on the way out = McShit with lies

+ 1000 on the wet wipes. Who ever thought dry paper was a good idea?!?

Would you use dry paper to wipe peanut butter of a haystack? :huh

when I was a kid, about 8 or 9 years old. We lived in Germany. One day my family went shopping in some German department store, and while there, I needed the facilities.

I did my business, and then discovered there was no tp.

Fortunately, there was wallpaper.

Extreme shitting is a pretty entertaining contest.

When you work out doors and at all hours, you get creative.

ADV never lets me down..

I go to The Catskills in NY 3 times a years with my fathers close friends. I am the youngest by 30 years up there and the stories these guys tell never cease to amaze me. Neither do their shits. I have never been around a bunch of guys that all have the ability to turn a bathroom into a superfund site. It's impressive.

Needless to say there is always a wait to get into the bathroom. One morning after enjoying my cup of coffee and taking in the incredible views I had to answer the call of the wild. It came quick so I jumped from my chair and headed inside to pinch one off. Surprise, the bathroom was taken. From there I began to pace feverently up and down the hallway trying to decide what to do next.. Sweating and seriously contemplating crapping my pants I had an idea! THE WOODS!!

I ran to the kitchen and grabbed paper towels (soaking wet of course) and made for the treeline. I found my place and dropped trow. I cranked out one of the meanest most awful smelling pieces of shit at the base of a spruce. Success.

Something about taking a dump in the woods make you feel like an animal. It's great, everyone should try it. Squating down low like that also makes you crank out some pretty impressive turds.

Hotels. Hotels always have nice clean almost completely unused bathrooms in the lobby.

+1!! As a frequent business traveler who is all over the place, a nice hotel lobby restroom is pure gold. Extra points for finding the ones like Hiltons or Sheratons that have huuuuge ballroom restrooms with 10+ stalls that are vacant 99% of the time.

My favorite is Courtyard by Marriot. Quick easy parking in the "check in" only spot out front, then off to the lobby restroom to heave a havana. On the way out, pick up a free cup of coffee and an USA Today...

Perfecto. Bravo.