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Old 08-06-2005, 08:07 AM   #1
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How to Waste a Weekend in Barcelona

So recently I was stuck in Barcelona (the one in Spain) over a long weekend. I had planned to work, but it turned out it was some made up national holiday (Sant Juan Day or something) so I was forced to entertain myself for 4 days with only the Meditteranean beaches and Pyrenees mountains to work with.

I tried going to the beach, but there were just too many tanned and topless women there. Stupid european beach rules. Jeebus, have they no decency? Where's Johnny Trademark when you need him. Cripes, I'd post pictures, but this is a family site.

So I rented a bike to see if I could at least get some entertainment out of that. Unfortunately, I ran into some local wanna-be riders who thought I should have company. Great, turns out they were advriders Guzy and Spanish Bob (who isn't even spanish )

Now, when I'm in a foreign city I like to spend as much time as possible watching TV in the hotel room. Watching familiar programs in a funny language makes me feel cultured. So I was more than a little dismayed when Guzy proposed going OUT for a pre-ride planning session. And just as I'd feared, the evening turned into a bar-hopping, tapas-eating, fancy-dinner-having, "planning session". By the time I got back to the hotel all the good shows were over. Nothing left but porn.

Next thing I know there's a horrific clanging right next to my head. Several moments of confused panic and considerable hotel property damage later, I find the phone.

Me: "Hello? I mean, Hola?"
Phone: "Jackhole? It's 9 in the morning, I thought we were meeting at 8:30."
Me: "Who the hell is this?"
Phone: "It's Guzy, remember? We're going riding?"
Me: "Oh, right. You were serious?"
Phone: "Yes, we've been waiting here for a while now..."
Me: "Yeah, well, why don't you just go ahead and let me know how it worked out."
Phone: "No no, we're glad to wait for you. Come when you're ready."
Me: "Sigh. Alright, but it's going to be a fucken while. Bye."

Well, luckily they were right up the street and being in europe I didn't really need to worry about personal hygiene, so just 10 minutes later I found the perpetually happy Guzy and his "friend" (wink,wink) Jordi.

That's Jordi on the left and Guzy on the right. Those sheepish faces had to do with me getting there a little quicker than they expected. I'm pretty open minded, but I was still a little queasy from the night before and could have done without seeing that (not that there's anything wrong with it):



And this is what a Jackhole looks like ten minutes after being jarred out of a drunken coma:

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Old 08-06-2005, 08:08 AM   #2
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Hit the road

So finally we headed out, and things started looking up. We were on a nice, wide, straight piece of slab. Guzy was going a little fast for my taste, but it was still enjoyable.



I knew it couldn't last though. Sure enough, minutes later we're on the narrow, dangerously curvy roads that seem so common there. You would think that they would spend a few euros to build some safer roads.





And I must say Guzy was setting a pace well above the government posted limits, but I had to keep up or get hopelessly lost.
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Old 08-06-2005, 08:09 AM   #3
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The only bright side was that Guzy and Jordi are both smokers with female sized bladders so we never had to ride more than a few kilometers at a time...





Stopping at a restaurant about 10 minutes after the last stop (not that there's anything wrong with that):

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Old 08-06-2005, 08:11 AM   #4
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Back to the coast

To my great relief, we finally got down out of the mountains and those crooked roads. We were north of Barcelona on La Costa Brava (I think that means "It Costs A Lot").



And yes, there are fat Hardly Riders in Spain, too. So they've got that going for them, at least.



Imagine my dismay, though, when it turns out that the coastal roads are even worse than in the mountains. There wasn't a single straight piece of road to be found.



And they insisted on going fast on these roads too. As you can see, it was impossible to keep the bikes upright like they're supposed to be.

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Old 08-06-2005, 08:13 AM   #5
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Swimming

Predictably, we hadn't gone too far when Guzy and Jordi decided we needed another break. Now, personally I don't enjoy having cold beers with friends on a hot day. Like most people, I think alchohol is something that is best consumed alone and behind closed doors. But they seemed to enjoy it, and that's really all that's important I guess.



Speaking of hot, after a couple of beers Guzy and Jordi started exchanging knowing looks and talking about how "hot" they were. Next thing I know, they strip down and skip across the street to the beach to take a "swim" (not that there's anything wrong with that).



I was going to show you what a Jackhole looks like in his swimsuit too, but I can't find one that meets the no-pr0n rule. It seems that in every picture there are more topless women crowding up against me.
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Old 08-06-2005, 08:14 AM   #6
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Lunch

Anyway, after the swim I was really looking forward to getting back to my hotel room and seeing what was on the TV, and if the maid had replaced those tasty mixed nuts yet. Unfortunately, now Guzy and Jordi wanted to have lunch, and I knew from past experience that a spanish lunch was going to take a good 2 hours and involve a lot of food that doesn't come in nice factory sealed packages. And I was right.



After lunch, Jordi wanted to go for another swim, but Guzy and I let him know that we didn't think it would be safe so soon after eating...

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