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Old 04-15-2014, 08:59 PM   #1
JillGat OP
tierra encantada
 
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Joined: Mar 2008
Location: Albuquerque, NM
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Tiger 800 shop manual for a joke

I have a Tiger 800 service manual, the big binder, part number 3856760. It cost me $109.00US. I will send it free of charge to the inmate who posts the best joke here. No restrictions on the jokes. US only, sorry.
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Old 04-16-2014, 05:21 PM   #2
Drunk_Uncle
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Old man and woman having breakfast together after 40 years of marriage.

Old woman serves his eggs and slaps his face.

Old man says what's that for.

Old woman says for 40 years of bad sex.

Old man thinks about this for a minute and slaps the taste straight out her mouth.

Old Woman asked what was that for?

Old man says, for knowing the difference!
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'13 Tiger 800XC, '13 KLR 650, and a 2010 Honda NT700V for the wife.
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Old 04-16-2014, 06:24 PM   #3
Rob Dirt
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Your momma's so fat, she left the house with high heels & came home with flip flops.
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Old 04-16-2014, 07:28 PM   #4
swimmer
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How do you figure out how many cows there are in a field?

With a cowculator.
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Old Yesterday, 06:38 AM   #5
CRFan1
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What did the Egg say to the boiling water?

"Hey....I just got got Layed so it may take me a while to get hard"!

I'll be here all night folks....
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Old Yesterday, 09:31 AM   #6
cory1848
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It's all shits and giggles until someone giggles and shits...
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Past rides: 1997 Honda Goldwing SE, 2003 Kawasaki Ninja 6RR, 1997 Suzuki TL1000S, 1995 Suzuki Katana 600, 1985 Suzuki GS550EF, 1980 Suzuki GS250T
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Old Yesterday, 10:53 AM   #7
Mastery
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Hope we get two entries...I have two that always gets big laughs at business meetings with new clients.

First one:

A woman gets on a bus with a baby held in her arms. The bus driver looks at the baby, and in disgust tells the woman, "That's the ugliest baby I have ever seen!" The woman walks to the back of the bus, so angry she can barely talk, and sits down next to a old man. "The bus driver just insulted me!", she screams at the old man. The old man look at the baby, looks up at the woman, and replies, "You need to go up there and teach him some respect. I'll hold your monkey for you until you come back!"

Second One:

Bob and his wife Linda live in the fictious country of Wonkaland, where one of the federal laws is that all newborn babies must be named within one hour or will be taken away by the government forever. Linda is pregnant, and due to the fact that Bob must travel a couple thousand miles away for work, he leaves his brother Jerry to be by Linda's side in case of an emergency in his absence.

Bob no sooner gets to his work destination when he receives a frantic call from his brother Jerry. "Bob! Bob! We are at the hospital, Linda went into labor, and passed out! What do I do?" Bob replies that he will be back as quick as possible, but that Jerry should stay close nearby...and no matter what, to make sure to name the baby when it is born if Linda is unable to. Before he can provide a name, the line goes dead.

Bob gets to the hospital half a day later, and finds his wife sleeping in recovery, but his brother Jerry holding two bundles of joy. "She had twins!", Jerry exclaimed. "What..how...wow...twins...wow" is all that Bob can reply. Jerry gently hands over each child to Bob, and holding each child in one of his arms, Bob asks his brother what their names are.

The proud Jerry beams and replies, "The child in your left arm is a girl, and I named her Denise." "That's a beautiful name, what did you name my other precious child?", asked the proud father. Jerry beamed even bigger, and answers "That child is a boy. I named him Denephew".
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Mastery screwed with this post Yesterday at 10:58 AM
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Old Yesterday, 02:40 PM   #8
Blixa
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What's green and eats nuts?

Syphilis
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Old Yesterday, 05:53 PM   #9
JXBryson
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Headaches

Steve had suffered from blinding headaches for many years, since his late teens. He decided to try one last time to remedy his situation, and went to see a headache specialist.

The doctor said, "Good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

Steve was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's why I need a new suit." Steve entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."

The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "let's see...size 44 long."

Steve laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"

"Been in the business years!"

Steve tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Steve admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Steve thought for a minute and then said, "Sure!"

The salesman eyed Steve and said, "let's see 34 sleeve and 16 and a half neck."

Steve was surprised. "That's right, how did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years"!

Steve tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly. As Steve adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?" Steve was on a roll and said, "Sure."

The salesman eyes Steve's feet and said, "let's see. 9-1/2 E."

Steve was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years"

The shoes fit perfectly. The salesman asked, "How about some new underwear'?"

Steve though for a second and said, 'Sure.'

The salesman stepped back, eyed Steve's waist and said, "let's see...size 36."

Steve laughed, "Ah ha! I got you! I've worn size 32 since I was 18 years old."

The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 32. A 32 underwear would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."
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2013 Tiger 800 XC, 2007 ST-1300, 1991 KLX-650

I've seen things you people wouldn't believe...
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Old Yesterday, 05:59 PM   #10
JXBryson
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What do you need to circumcise a whale?

Four skin divers.
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Jim

2013 Tiger 800 XC, 2007 ST-1300, 1991 KLX-650

I've seen things you people wouldn't believe...
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Old Yesterday, 06:18 PM   #11
Blixa
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Oh I have a circumcision joke too!

What do you call a cheap circumcision?
A rip off.
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Old Yesterday, 07:10 PM   #12
jjustj
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http://www.advrider.com/forums/showthread.php?t=348508
http://www.advrider.com/forums/showthread.php?t=489958 Sunday worship, a strap-on, and Does this water taste funny?
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Old Today, 04:57 AM   #13
JXBryson
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Blixa View Post
Oh I have a circumcision joke too!

What do you call a cheap circumcision?
A rip off.
That reminds me of the Jewish rabbi who used to do circumcisions for the poor in the inner-city. He didn't charge anything. He just worked for tips.
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2013 Tiger 800 XC, 2007 ST-1300, 1991 KLX-650

I've seen things you people wouldn't believe...
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Old Today, 07:29 AM   #14
Blixa
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Quote:
Originally Posted by JXBryson View Post
That reminds me of the Jewish rabbi who used to do circumcisions for the poor in the inner-city. He didn't charge anything. He just worked for tips.
Circumcision jokes are great, but there's a cut off point.

How do you organize a party in space?
You planet.
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Old Today, 07:46 AM   #15
DarkFlames
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Celine Dion walks into a bar.

Bartender asks: "what's with the long face?"
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