All you guys know that I'm half-Panamanian. My mother was born in Panama, but her mother is from Jamaica. My grandfather was born in Panama, but his parents were also from Jamaica. Which means I'm just as much Jamaican as I am Panamanian. Nice Jamaicans, including my distant Jamaican cousins, call me a "Bleached Jamaican." My Trinidad friends always say, "You got some nigga in ya, boy." And then this almost-happens. When: Monday night. About 12:45 AM. Place: Margaritaville, Montego Bay Villains: 2 men, 25-30 years old, each about 6'2"-6'4", 220#s-250#s. So this wasn't so much an "adventure" as it was a "getaway." Me and my girlfriend went to one of those fancy all-inclusive couples-only beach paradise spa places. Airfare, airport-hotel transfers, etc., all you can eat, water sports, everything is taken care of you. So you stop thinking. On Monday nights most of the local all-inclusives give the staff a half-night off, and they offer a bus ride to downtown Montego Bay and free entry to Margaritaville. The bar is a classic Jimmy Buffet franchise/chain thing. Half of the people there were white tourists. The other half were well-dressed Jamaicans. You had to go through security to get in. It was US$24 for two drinks. Around 12:45 AM we decided took a quick bathroom break. There's a short hallway leading to the men's room and the lady's room. She went her way, I went mine. I was behind one big Jamaican, and another big Jamaican was behind me. Up at a urinal I started taking a good piss. The guy who walked in behind me stopped at the sink and started telling me I needed to buy him a beer. The other guy stood in the corner and played with his phone. The next few minutes went something like this: "Buy me a beer mon." "No." "I work here. It'll cost you five dollars to buy me a beer." "No." He shows me an ID card. I didn't catch much on it. "Buy me a beer. If you keep pissing there it'll cost you five dollars more." "It cost five dollars to take a piss?" "Ya mon. Five dollars to take a piss." I was still pissing. It's hard to piss when you're being robbed. The big guy kept repeating himself. Things like "Five dollars to buy me a beer. Five dollars to take a piss in my urinal." I zipped up and moved to the sink. "Five dollars to wash your hands." "Nope. I'm not paying five dollars to wash my hands," I said. "Ya mon. Five dollars to buy me a beer. Five to take a piss in my urinal. Five dollars to wash your hands." I turned off the water. The big guy in the corner was about a step closer. The big guy at the door had his foot against the bottom and his hand at the top. The way he was wedged in, nobody could open it. They'd think it was locked. I said, "Hand me a paper towel." I expected him to want $5 for a paper towel, but he just handed me one. I said, "So you work here? Let me see your ID again." So he pulled a blue/green "voter registration card" our of his pocket. He had his hand over it, but I saw the name "Perth" on it. I couldn't tell if "Perth" was a place or a name. "Pay us our money," the guy said. I said something like, "Seriously? You're trying to pull this on me? Seriously? You're not serious." "Ya mon. Pay us our money." The other guy had moved a step closer. I said, "I don't have any money with me. My girlfriend has it." In reality I had a wallet in my pocket with about US$100. Perth said, "How much money does she have?" I said, "The hotel brought us here. They said we didn't need any money." The big guy said, "You have some money. Just pay us our five dollars." I said, "I can't believe you're trying to pull this on me. Come on. Just let me go." I was still wiping and drying my hands and kind of holding the paper towel. Then the big guy, Perth, started to fake-laugh. "You passed, mon! We were just fooling with you." He held out his hand for a fist-bump. He let me out. I got out and into the hallway. There were people around. I looked at him and said, "Bullshit. You tried to fuck with the wrong person." I poked my head out of the hallway and saw two of the waiter-guys from my hotel- good guys who had been providing really outstanding service. I couldn't remember one guy's name, but the other was Carlos. He saw me right away. I yelled, "Carlos! These two guys just tried to mug me." In about half a second, Carlos and his buddy had the two big guys cornered. Security and Margaritaville management were there right away. The two big guys tried to get out the back door. Jamaica police were there quickly. The hotel managers had us whisked out of the bar and into the bus along with the other guests and in moments we were on our way back to our nice, walled, secure, safe, all-inclusive hotel. The next day, Carlos and the other guy told me that the police were taking care of it. Margaritaville promised me and my girlfriend a free dinner. Everyone says that if you leave the resorts, it's dangerous for tourists. I didn't believe them. I thought it was just scaredy-cat white people saying things out of ignorance.