The secret bike mechanic Observations about how people behave in bike shops Monday, 1 October 2012 10 things people never say in restaurants "If I bring my own food, can you just heat it up for me?" And if the proprietor obligingly says yes to (1), then: "I don't know anything about cooking. Could you just quickly talk me through what ingredients to buy and how to prepare them?" "Can I just borrow a knife and a chopping board? I know what I'm doing, I used to work in a canteen." If the proprietor makes the mistake of saying yes to (3), then: "Can you just show me how to use this knife? I'm good with spoons and forks and stuff, but I've never really used a knife before" ... and proceeds to take up more of the chef's time than if he'd just cooked the meal in the first place. Whilst getting in the way of the proprietor who is trying to move tables and chairs out onto the patio: "I know you don't open for another 15 minutes, but could you just quickly make me something to eat now? I'm in a bit of a hurry." Then (counter-productively for both parties) loiters in the doorway. "If I buy all the ingredients from you, will you charge me extra to cook them?" "Can I watch the chef while he cooks my meal so I know how to do it myself next time?" "£9.50 for a single course!?! F***in' 'ell, you can get a whole supermarket ready-meal for less than that!" "How much do you charge for a meal?" When the waiter explains that it depends entirely on what he orders, the customer replies "Just roughly how much? On average". The waiter says the usual practice is to book a table and browse through the menu, and reiterates that the price will depend on what the customer chooses. So the customer books a table for the following week, and never shows up. "Hi. I had a meal here a couple of days ago and you said it would be really filling, but I'm hungry again already. Can I have a refund?"