By Jove, a new pirate joke

Discussion in 'Australia' started by Pickled Amnesiac, Jul 29, 2006.

  1. Pickled Amnesiac

    Pickled Amnesiac ex Fishbulb....

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    how do pirates like sex???


































    up the arrrrrrrrrrrrrrse

    true folks!!!

    you herd it here 2nd...


    fish.

    (ok not my finest moment in comedy.... so sue me. and suggest your own pirate joke.)
    #1
  2. rjf

    rjf SBS's #1 fan in January

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    Gosford, NSW, Aust. Scrambler, 640Adv, 300EXC
    A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket, and
    asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce.

    The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter. Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some old bastard wants to buy half a head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he quickly added, "and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."

    The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.

    Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from son?"

    "New Zealand, sir," the boy replied.

    "Well, why did you leave New Zealand?" the manager asked.

    The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and rugby players there.

    "Really," replied the manager? "My wife is from New Zealand!"

    "Really??" replied the boy. "Who'd she play for?" .

    #2
  3. AusStealth

    AusStealth Bohican

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    Your correspondent obviously does not have a degree in geography.
    #3
  4. Stackator

    Stackator F800GS goodness

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    Fixed. I didn't pick it up either. You are right his degree is finance. :lol3
    #4
  5. TouringDave

    TouringDave Tri Moto Veritas

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    Frankston, Vic, Aust.
    This one from my 7 year old son, (he doesn't get it)

    Q. "What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?

    A. "Lickalotapuss"
    #5
  6. AusStealth

    AusStealth Bohican

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    Perth West Oz
    To follow that theme:

    Q: How many screws are there in a dyke's bed?





































    A: None, its all tongue and groove.
    #6
  7. Pickled Amnesiac

    Pickled Amnesiac ex Fishbulb....

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    what do you call a gay dinosaur????

    megasaurass...

    :rofl
    #7
  8. mike cramb

    mike cramb Long timer

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    Location:
    Perth
    A young english chap comes to North Qld to be a ringer on a cattle station. The station manager tells him to wait at the pub in Mt Garnet and he will drive in and pick him up.

    While waiting and having a beer the barman asks him where he is going he replies in his best pommy accent " Im goin ta MInamoolka Cattle Station an im gooin ta b a ringer " he says

    With this tha barman and all the patrons start to laugh and the barman exclaims " The boss out there is a ravinn poof youd be the third pom hes brought out here and had his way with. if i were you young fella i'd piss off back to where youy came from.""

    "Ill watch out for him" says the young pomy


    The boss picks him up and back theY go to the station The next day they go out mustering.

    As they ride along a murder of crows flys over crowing " FARK FARK FARK"

    "JEZZ what was that " says the pomy to the boss " Thems crows " he says "You gotta watch em theyll fly down and peck your bloody eyes out they will" says the boss.

    "I will keep me eyes out for em " says the young fella


    They keep riding and along come some more crows :"FARK FARK FARK "

    "QUIck "says the boss " run to ya find a hollow log stick your head up it and pull ya pants down "

    With no time to think or loose the young fella runs to a hollow log sticks his head in it and pulls down his trousers.

    THe old poof boss takes the poor young fella from behind as he is heard to say from inside the hollow log.

    " KEEP ON PECKIN CROW ITS A LONG WAY TO MY EYES.''



    :lol3 :lol3
    #8
  9. Paves

    Paves Beetrt/liver sausage

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    <TABLE class=jokeContents cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=5 width="100%"><TBODY><TR><TD colSpan=2>Blonde paint job</TD></TR><TR><TD colSpan=2>A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

    "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
    The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
    The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

    A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
    "You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."</TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>
    #9
  10. Paves

    Paves Beetrt/liver sausage

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    What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?













    A nervous wreck!
    #10
  11. Paves

    Paves Beetrt/liver sausage

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    What sound does a pirate's dog make?


























    aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrfff
    #11
  12. Pickled Amnesiac

    Pickled Amnesiac ex Fishbulb....

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    what noise does a dog with a hair lip make???/


    mmmmmaaaarrrk....

    ok ok not my best work but hey this IS the net....
    #12
  13. whitey222

    whitey222 occasionally adventurous

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    Glossodia NSW, Australia
    #13
  14. woafa

    woafa Been here awhile

    Joined:
    Sep 21, 2004
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    226
    Location:
    Sydney
    if you've got kids, you may already know this one...

    A Pirate Says "Arrr"

    If you want to be a pirate,
    Get up on your feet.
    You can't be a pirate,
    If you're sitting in your seat.
    Swing your arms tough,
    And stand kind of low,
    And make this noise wherever you go.

    Arrr! Arrr! Arrr!
    A pirate, a pirate, a pirate says "Arrr!"
    It might seem strange, just a bit bizarre,
    But they know you're a pirate,
    When they hear you say "Arrr!"

    Arrr! Arrr! Arrr!
    A pirate, a pirate, a pirate says "Arrr!"
    You wear a spare part, a bandana and a scar,
    and they know you're a pirate,
    When they hear you say "Arrr!"

    The Jolly Roger is the pirate flag,
    A skull and some bones on a big black rag.
    We'll fly it on our ship, up above the sails,
    And we'll search for treasure,
    And be tough as nails!

    Arrr! Arrr! Arrr!
    A pirate, a pirate, a pirate says "Arrr!"
    If you think we're noisy, you're right, we are,
    'cause they know you're a pirate,
    When they hear you say "Arrr!"
    #14
  15. The Misinformant

    The Misinformant What road?

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    Adelaide, Australia
    The Captian of an English rumrunner merchantman was happily sailing his way around the place and over the horizon his lookout spies a Pirate ship bearing down on them. The Captain orders for all the canvas possible to be raised but it becomes quickly obvious that their ship is not going to be able to outrun the pirates and the Captain calls his crew to arms and battle stations. He explains to the crew thier dire situation and that they will have to fight for their lives. He then turns to his first mate and asks him to fetch from his cabin his bright, red, silk shirt.

    After the ensuing violent, bloody and succsessfull battle the first mate asks the Captian "Why did you ask for your red shirt wouldn't that have made you a target for the pirates?"
    "Weell son if I was to get injured at all crew would loose heart and not fight as they needed, this way they would not know anything was wrong if I was hurt and so we won."

    The mate dully thought on this wisdom and put it away for when one day he to would be Captain.

    Well in the next tour of duty several months later the lookout spies 6 pirate ships over the horizon bearing down, they raise canvas but alas their ship is just to slow and the the Captian once agian calls the crew to arms and encourages to them to fight gallantly and with courage as once before.

    The mate asks "Captian shall I fetch your red shirt once more?"

    "No mate you had best get me my BROWN PANTS!!!!!!"




    :rofl :rofl :rofl :rofl :rofl :rofl :rofl :rofl :rofl :rofl
    #15
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  16. Autostream

    Autostream Long timer

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    Sorry to interupt...

    Please be a careful who you could offend.

    This site is worldwide and the Aussie forum gets more than its share of interest. Please Think would you tell this joke to locals in America? France? or at a Gay bar?

    ...end of announcement...
    #16
  17. Pickled Amnesiac

    Pickled Amnesiac ex Fishbulb....

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    yup.... ive told my joke in scotland.... in gay bars and around campfires.... altho i havent been to france yet... ill keep the french in mind.

    but thanks for the heads up there mate..... :fyyff
    #17
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  18. Hunsta

    Hunsta Have guns will hunt

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    Gympie Queensland Australia
    Well ok to follow that last post, and seeing that Mothers Days is coming up




    There`s an American, an Englishman, and an Australian sitting in a bar disscussing what they got there mothers for Mothers Day.
    The Englishman and the Aussie turn to the Yank and ask.
    "So what did you get your Mother for Mothers Day?"
    Well says the yank(insert yank accent here) I got my mother some dianonds and some pearls. If she doesnt like the diamonds she can have the pearls.

    Ok.
    So the Yank and the Aussie ask the Pom what he got his mother for Mothers Day.
    Well says the Pom(insert accent here) I got my mother some Channel No. 5 and some Estee`Lauder body lotion. If she doesnt like the Channel No. 5, she can always use the body lotions.

    Ok.
    So the Pom and the Yank ask the Aussie what he got his mother for Mothers Day.
    Well say the Aussie(insert accent here) I got my mother a pair of thongs and a Vibrater. If she doesnt like the thongs she can go F@#k herself
    :poser :poser :poser :poser :poser :poser :poser :poser :poser
    #18
  19. AusStealth

    AusStealth Bohican

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    (Indignant pom)
    I could never imagine my mother in a thong....go forth you piratey pervert!

    p.s. is Muttha just half a word?
    #19
  20. troy safari carpente

    troy safari carpente Team f5oolery

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    Not wanting to offend anyone... :evil

    How do you seat four moderators on a bar stool...???


















    Turn it upside down... :rofl
    #20
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