By Jove, a new pirate joke

Discussion in 'Australia' started by Pickled Amnesiac, Jul 29, 2006.

  1. What's his Face

    What's his Face lost as

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  2. richo360

    richo360 Long timer

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    So now we have a drug user supporting Collingwood, as well as drug users playing for the team.:rofl
  3. 60 tooth sprocket

    60 tooth sprocket Adventurer

    Joined:
    Aug 31, 2008
    Oddometer:
    10
    An Ausie a Kiwi and an Irish man walk into a bar, and the barman says "what is this, some kind of joke" ?
  4. richo360

    richo360 Long timer

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    A man was sitting alone in his office one night when a genie popped up out of his laptop.<?xml:namespace prefix = u1 /><u1:p> </u1:p><?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:eek:ffice:eek:ffice" /><o:p></o:p>
    "And what will your third wish be?"<u1:p> </u1:p><o:p></o:p>
    The man looked at the genie and said, "Huh? How can I be getting a third wish when I haven't had a first or second wish yet?"<u1:p> </u1:p><o:p></o:p>
    "You have had two wishes already," the genie said, "but your second wish was for me to put everything back the way it was before you made your first wish. Thus, you remember nothing; because everything is the way it was before you made any wishes. You now have one wish left."<u1:p> </u1:p><o:p></o:p>
    "Okay," said the man, "I don't believe this, but what the heck. I've always wanted to understand women. I'd love to know what's going on inside their heads."<u1:p> </u1:p><o:p></o:p>
    "Funny," said the genie as it granted his wish and disappeared forever, <u1:p></u1:p><o:p></o:p>
    "That was your first wish, too!"<u1:p> </u1:p><o:p></o:p>
  5. PBee

    PBee eya goin

    Joined:
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    It is well known that humour is regional, but this is the
    first joke that I can say is truly Queensland: At a
    national conference of the Australian Hotels Association,
    the general managers of Cascade Brewery (Tasmania), Tooheys
    (New South Wales), XXXX (Queensland), CUB (Victoria) and
    Coopers (South Australia) found themselves sitting at the
    same table for lunch.


    When the waitress asked what they wanted to drink, the GM of
    Tooheys said without hesitation, "I'll have a Tooheys New."


    The head of Carlton & United smiled and said, "Make mine a VB."


    To which the boss of Coopers rejoined, "I'll have a Coopers,
    the King of Beers."


    And the bloke from Cascade asked for "a Cascade, the
    cleanest draught on the planet."


    The General Manager of XXXX paused a moment and then placed
    his order: "I'll have a Diet Coke."


    The others looked at him as if he had sprouted a new head.
    "Well, he said with a shrug, if you poofters aren't
    drinking beer, then neither will I."
  6. What's his Face

    What's his Face lost as

    Joined:
    Jul 28, 2006
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    Location:
    bundaberg australia
    A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a very attractive woman waving at him.

    She says, 'Hello.'





    He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from. So he asks, 'Do you know me?'

    To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.'

    Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife.

    So he asks, 'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the

    pool table, with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?'

    She looks into his eyes and says calmly, 'No, I'm your son's teacher.'
  7. What's his Face

    What's his Face lost as

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  8. BergDonk

    BergDonk Old Enough to Know Better

    Joined:
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    Location:
    Snowy Mountains Oz
    "I'm so hungry, I could eat a horse....." I guess Tesco just listened.

    Anyone want a burger from Tesco? yay or neigh?

    Not entirely sure how Tesco are going to get over this hurdle.

    Waitress in Tesco asked if I wanted anything on my Burger. So I had a £5 each way

    Had some burgers from Tesco for my tea last night....I still have a bit between my teeth.

    A woman has been taken into hospital after eating horse meat burgers from Tesco; her condition is said to be stable.

    Tesco are now testing all their vegetarian burgers for traces of unicorn

    "I've just checked the Tesco burgers in my freezer...AND THEY'RE OFF"

    Tesco now forced to deny presence of zebra in burgers, as shoppers confuse barcodes for serving suggestions.

    Said to the missus these Tesco burgers given me terrible trots.

    To beef or not to beef. That is equestrian.

    A cow walks into a bar. Barman says 'why the long face?' Cow says 'Illegal ingredients, coming over here stealing our jobs!'

    I hear the smaller version of those Tesco burgers make great horse d'oeuvres.

    These Tesco burger jokes are going on a bit. Talk about flogging a dead..........


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  9. richo360

    richo360 Long timer

    Joined:
    Sep 5, 2011
    Oddometer:
    1,462
    Location:
    Bottom of the barrel and still digging
    <TABLE style="WIDTH: 100%; mso-cellspacing: 0cm; mso-yfti-tbllook: 1184; mso-padding-alt: 1.5pt 1.5pt 1.5pt 1.5pt" class=MsoNormalTable border=0 cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0 width="100%"><TBODY><TR style="mso-yfti-irow: 0; mso-yfti-firstrow: yes; mso-yfti-lastrow: yes"><TD style="BORDER-BOTTOM: #f0f0f0; BORDER-LEFT: #f0f0f0; PADDING-BOTTOM: 1.5pt; BACKGROUND-COLOR: transparent; PADDING-LEFT: 1.5pt; WIDTH: 100%; PADDING-RIGHT: 1.5pt; BORDER-TOP: #f0f0f0; BORDER-RIGHT: #f0f0f0; PADDING-TOP: 1.5pt" vAlign=top width="100%">




    Why Grandfathers are different

    Have you ever wondered what the difference is between Grandmothers and Grandfathers?
    Well, here it is: There was this loving grandfather who always made a special effort to spend time with his son's family on weekends. <?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:eek:ffice:eek:ffice" /><o:p></o:p>
    Every Saturday morning he would take his 5-year-old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some quality time -- pancakes, ice cream, candy-- <o:p></o:p>
    Just him and his granddaughter. One particular Saturday, however, he had a terrible cold and could not get out of bed.<o:p></o:p>
    He knew his granddaughter always looked forward to their drives and would be very disappointed. <o:p></o:p>
    Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter for her weekly drive and breakfast. <o:p></o:p>
    When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her grandfather who was still in bed. <o:p></o:p>
    "Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?" he asked. <o:p></o:p>
    Not really, PaPa, it was boring. <o:p></o:p>
    We didn't see a single asshole, queer, lesbian, piece of crap, horse's arse, socialist left wing Gillardlover, blind bastard, dipshit, Muslim camel humper or son of a bitch anywhere we went!" <o:p></o:p>
    We just drove around and Grandma smiled at everyone she saw. <o:p></o:p>
    I really didn't have any fun.<o:p></o:p>
    <o:p></o:p>
    <o:p></o:p>
    <o:p></o:p>

    <o:p></o:p>

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  10. gsd4me

    gsd4me 90% bluff

    Joined:
    Dec 11, 2005
    Oddometer:
    8,037
    Location:
    Brisbane, Australia
    :rofl
  11. gunnabuild1

    gunnabuild1 Long timer

    Joined:
    Sep 13, 2008
    Oddometer:
    1,643
    Location:
    Ipswich Queensland
    The Queensland government learns 200 dead crows have been found by a road near Townsville, and are alarmed that it might be avian flu. Mercifully, an expert examines the remains and determines they have actually died of vehicular impact.
    Strangely, he also determines that 98 per cent of the crows had been killed after being hit by trucks and only 2 per cent killed by cars. The state then hires an ornithological behaviouralist to determine why the results are so disproportionate. His report comes back in a week. ''When crows eat roadkill, they always set up a lookout crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger. But while the lookout crow could warn the other crows by saying 'Cah', he had not yet learnt to call out 'Truck!'''
  12. gavo

    gavo Slacker

    Joined:
    Jan 5, 2010
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    2,291
    Location:
    Gympie QLD
  13. gunnabuild1

    gunnabuild1 Long timer

    Joined:
    Sep 13, 2008
    Oddometer:
    1,643
    Location:
    Ipswich Queensland
    A man is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years. One day,
    he sees a speck in the horizon. He thinks to himself, "It's not a ship."
    The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, "It's not a boat." The
    speck gets even closer and he thinks, "It's not a raft." Then, out of
    the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba
    gear.

    She comes up to the guy and she says, "How long has it been since you've
    had a cigarette?"

    "Ten years!" he says.

    She reaches over, unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and
    pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes.

    He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, "Man, oh man! Is
    that good!"

    Then she asks, "How long has it been since you've had a drink of whiskey?"

    He replies, "Ten years!"

    She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on the right, pulls out a
    flask and gives it to him.

    He takes a long swig and says, "Wow, that's fantastic!"

    Then she starts unzipping this long zipper that runs down the front of
    her wet suit and she says to him, "And how long has it been since you've
    had some REAL fun?"

    And the man replies, "My God! Don't tell me you've got a motorcycle in
    there!
  14. Precis

    Precis Maladroit malcontent

    Joined:
    Oct 13, 2009
    Oddometer:
    4,733
    Location:
    Cruising the main, Aus
    Quarter Pounders: The affordable way to buy your daughter the pony that she's always wanted.
    <?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:eek:ffice:eek:ffice" /><o:p> </o:p>
    I hear the smaller version of those Tesco burgers make great horse d'oeuvres.
  15. richo360

    richo360 Long timer

    Joined:
    Sep 5, 2011
    Oddometer:
    1,462
    Location:
    Bottom of the barrel and still digging
    I recently spent $2500 on a young Black Angus bull. We put him out with the herd but he just ate grass & wouldn't even look at a cow.

    I was beginning to suspect he was gay, if that's possible with a bull. Anyhow, I had the Vet come have a look at him. He said the bull was very healthy, but possible a little young, so he gave me some pills to feed him once per day.

    Holy crap! The bull started to service the cows within two days. All of my cows! He even broke through the fence and bred all my neighbor's cows! He's been breeding just about everything in sight. He's like a machine!"

    I don't know what in hell was in the pills the Vet gave him, but they kind of taste like peppermint.


  16. Midnullarbor

    Midnullarbor Been here awhile

    Joined:
    Oct 13, 2010
    Oddometer:
    716
    .
    PBee (post #2325), I do remember another joke which is also a Queenslander.
    [And hoping it's not somewhere in the past 2000+ posts.]

    * The Cattlemen's Association of Queensland were holding their big Triennial Conference, and had chosen to meet this time in the South-West, at the town of Thargomindah.
    It was a big deal . . . and even bigger because they'd managed to get Prince Charles as Introductory Speaker.
    Such a large number of Cattlemen came, that it was necessary to have an outdoor venue, right next to the Sales Yards.

    Prince Charles mounted to the top of the highest loading ramp, and looked out over the sea of Akubras.
    He began to speak about cattle and cattle-raising, about methane and Global Warming, about biodiversity and conservation.
    The crowd was absolutely silent. Every eye was fixed on the Prince : or possibly on his hat, which was a peculiarly furry specimen, of russet hue, and with a foxtail hanging down at the rear and blowing this and that way in the breeze.

    Much later, in the coolness of the local pub, Prince Charles was having a drink with the Organizing Committee.
    "Rather surprised," said the Prince, "How well my speech went over. Was afraid it might have been a bit controversial in places. But at the end, there wasn't a single question from the audience. A pleasure to see everyone agreeing with me on these important topics."

    "Well actually, Sir," said the Association President, "There was one question that a lot of the fellows were wondering about. They've delegated me to ask you about that very unusual hat you have. They've never seen anything like it before."

    "My hat?" queried Prince Charles, "It is a rather special one, don't you think? Pure foxskin, presented to me by one of my Scottish tenants.
    My mother thought it would suit the occasion.
    You know, I have more than a hundred hats, and often it's difficult to select the one which is just right.
    But my mother has an unerring judgement in these matters, and I find I can rely upon her to make an immediate decision as to which hat is the exactly right choice.
    For my trip to Australia, I was quite undecided about what to wear, so I telephoned the Palace and spoke with her.
    "Mother," I said, "Would you please advise me about what hat I should wear. I am flying out tomorrow, to address the Cattlemen's Conference at Thargomindah."

    And you know, she answered me with hardly a moment's pause :
    'Thargomindah? Wear the fox hat.'"
    .
  17. Nitram

    Nitram Been here awhile

    Joined:
    Aug 13, 2006
    Oddometer:
    199
    Location:
    Blue Mountains, NSW, AUSTRALIA
    And you know, she answered me with hardly a moment's pause :
    'Thargomindah? Wear the fox hat.'"
    .[/QUOTE]

    :rofl:rofl:rofl:rofl
  18. bumblebee1

    bumblebee1 All bikes are dirt bikes

    Joined:
    Mar 18, 2008
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    1,431
    Location:
    Ottawa
    Here's my take on the last jokes

    <iframe width="420" height="315" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/wCy8MpT45gk" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>
  19. itsgunnahurt

    itsgunnahurt Gravity Enhanced!

    Joined:
    Nov 24, 2008
    Oddometer:
    2,159
    Location:
    Melbourne, AUS
    Hint: Say it out loud
    'Thargomindah? Wear the fox hat.'


    :D
  20. Midnullarbor

    Midnullarbor Been here awhile

    Joined:
    Oct 13, 2010
    Oddometer:
    716
    .
    Bumblebee,

    Sorry about a joke which was perhaps culturally-inappropriate for Canadians.

    "Akubra" is the most prominent brand of Aussie hat, and almost "iconic" in the Outback.

    Thargomindah (consult your atlas, rather than googling) is the last actual town in south-west Queensland State, before you hit the most deserty & deserted regions.
    Canadian equivalent might be something like the town of Mayo (pop. 300 ?) in the Yukon Territory ~ a far outpost of civilisation which not all Canadians would know of, and for which few people on the far side of the world have any inkling of its location (let alone having heard of it at all).

    The punchline . . . if you need another hint . . . is that the Prince was naively expecting that the Queen would never talk like a trailer-trash bimbo.




    BTW, the town of "Thargo", as they call it, has one claim to fame, at least among the local populace. Legend has it that Thargomindah [a beautiful name, n'est-ce pas?] was, in the nineteenth century, the third town in the world to install electric street-lighting . . . after London and Paris.
    Enthusiastic scientific locals powered the generator from a turbine wheel set in the high-pressure water flowing up from the underlying Artesian Basin.
    Hard to believe ~ but more likely it was the first town in Australia to go electric.
    Plenty of sheep and cattle nearby. Perhaps Thargomindah could renew its fame, by becoming Australia's first town to revert to gas-lights on the street . . . powered by organic methane.
    .