By Jove, a new pirate joke

Discussion in 'Australia' started by Pickled Amnesiac, Jul 29, 2006.

  1. Sleepy John

    Sleepy John Grumpy Adventurer

    Joined:
    Feb 2, 2010
    Oddometer:
    3,739
    Location:
    Bris Vegas, Australia
    Joe was always having head aches so he went to the doctor.

    The doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration.

    You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.'

    Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for.He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

    He saw a men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need... A new suit...'

    He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new suit..'

    The elderly tailor eye d him briefly and said, 'Let's see... Size 44 long..'

    Joe laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?'

    'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said.

    Joe tried on the suit it fit perfectly.

    As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a new shirt?'

    Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.'

    The salesman eyed Joe and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.'

    Joe was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?'

    'Been in the business 60 years.'

    Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.

    Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, 'How about some new underwear?'

    Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure.'

    The salesman said, 'Let's see... Size 36.

    Joe laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you! I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.'

    The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.'
  2. BergDonk

    BergDonk Old Enough to Know Better

    Joined:
    Nov 15, 2010
    Oddometer:
    5,308
    Location:
    Snowy Mountains Oz
    Must be 30 years since I heard that one :rofl
  3. OldDog

    OldDog aka Hugh Jarse

    Joined:
    Feb 20, 2005
    Oddometer:
    5,383
    Location:
    Mudgee, Australia
    Yup, an oldie, but its a goodie!:rofl
  4. BergDonk

    BergDonk Old Enough to Know Better

    Joined:
    Nov 15, 2010
    Oddometer:
    5,308
    Location:
    Snowy Mountains Oz
    How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it....

    Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

    I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

    Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.

    England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

    I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

    I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.

    I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.

    I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.

    This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

    I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.

    I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

    Why were the Indians able to settle here first? They had reservations.

    We're going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.

    I didn't like my beard at first, then it grew on me.

    Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

    When you get a bladder infection you know urine trouble.

    Broken pencils are pretty much pointless.

    What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

    I dropped out of the Communism class because of lousy Marx.

    All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. As of now, it appears the police have nothing to go on.

    I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

    Velcro - what a rip off!
  5. lentil

    lentil All round nice guy Super Moderator

    Joined:
    Sep 1, 2006
    Oddometer:
    10,348
    Location:
    Not Gunnedah
    A man takes the day off work and
    Decides to go out golfing.
    He is on the second hole when he
    Notices a frog sitting next to the green.

    He thinks nothing of it and is
    About to shoot when he Hears,
    Ribbit 9 Iron.'

    The man looks around and doesn't
    See anyone.
    Again, he hears, 'Ribbit 9 Iron.'
    He looks at the frog and decides to
    Prove the frog wrong, puts the
    Club away, and grabs a 9 iron.
    Boom!
    He hits it 10 inches from the cup.
    He is shocked.
    He says to the frog,
    'Wow that's amazing..
    You must be a lucky frog he asks?

    The frog replies,
    'Ribbit Lucky frog.'
    The man decides to take the frog
    With him to the next hole.

    'What do you think frog?'
    The man asks.
    'Ribbit 3 wood.'

    The guy takes out a 3 wood and,
    Boom! Hole in one...
    The man is befuddled and doesn't know
    What to say.
    By the end of the day, the man golfed the
    Best game of golf in his life and
    Asks the frog,
    'OK where to next?'
    The frog replies,
    'Ribbit Las Vegas ..
    ' They go to Las Vegas
    And the guy says,

    'OK frog, now What?'
    The frog says, 'Ribbit Roulette.'
    Upon approaching the roulette table,
    The man asks,
    'What do you think I should Bet?'
    The frog replies

    'Ribbit $3000, black 6.'

    Now, this is a
    Million-to-one shot to win, but
    After the golf game the man
    Figures what the heck.

    Boom!
    Tons of chips come sliding back across the table
    The man takes his winnings and
    Buys the best room in the Hotel.
    He sits the frog down and Says,
    'Frog, I don't know how to repay you.
    You've won me all this money and
    I am forever grateful.'

    The frog replies,

    'Ribbit KissMe.'
    He figures why not,

    Since after all the frog did for Him,
    He deserves it..
    With a kiss, the frog turns into a
    Gorgeous 25-year-old girl.

    'And that,
    Your honor, is how the girl
    Ended up in my room.

    So help me God




    Or my name is not Craig Thompson.'
  6. b0mb3r

    b0mb3r Old Git

    Joined:
    Jan 30, 2005
    Oddometer:
    1,989
    Location:
    Sunshine Coast QLD
    5.0 out of 5 stars DO NOT PUT ON KNOB AND BOLLOCKS 24 Jan 2012
    By Andrew
    Being a loose cannon who does not play by the rules the first thing I did was ignore the warning and smear this all over my knob and bollocks. The bollocks I knew and loved are gone now. In their place is a maroon coloured bag of agony which sends stabs of pain up my body every time it grazes against my thigh or an article of clothing. I am suffering so that you don't have to. Heed my lesson. DO NOT PUT ON KNOB AND BOLLOCKS.

    (I am giving this product a 5 because despite the fact that I think my bollocks might fall off, they are now completely hairless.)


    more to come
  7. b0mb3r

    b0mb3r Old Git

    Joined:
    Jan 30, 2005
    Oddometer:
    1,989
    Location:
    Sunshine Coast QLD
    VEET
    After having been told my danglies looked like an elderly rastafarian I decided to take the plunge and buy some of this as previous shaving attempts had only been mildly succesful and I nearly put my back out trying to reach the more difficult bits. Being a bit of a romantic I thought I would do the deed on the missus's birthday as a bit of a treat.
    I ordered it well in advance and working in the North sea I considered myself a bit above some of the characters writing the previous reviews and wrote them off as soft office types...oh my fellow sufferers how wrong I was. I waited until the other half was tucked up in bed and after giving some vague hints about a special surprise I went down to the bathroom. Initially all went well and I applied the gel and stood waiting for something to happen. I didn't have long to wait.
    At first there was a gentle warmth which in a matter of seconds was replaced by an intense burning and a feeling I can only describe as like being given a barbed wire wedgie by two people intent on hitting the ceiling with my head. Religion hadn't featured much in my life until that night but I suddenly became willing to convert to any religion to stop the violent burning around the turd tunnel and what seemed like the destruction of the meat and two veg. Struggling to not bite through my bottom lip I tried to wash the gel of in the sink and only succeeded in blocking the plughole with a mat of hair. Through the haze of tears I struggled out of the bathroom across the hall into the kitchen by this time walking was not really possible and I crawled the final yard to the fridge in the hope of some form of cold relief. I yanked the freezer drawer out and found a tub of ice cream, tore the lid of and positioned it under me. The relief was fantastic but only temporary as it melted fairly quickly and the fiery stabbing soon returned .
    Due to the shape of the ice cream tub I hadn't managed to give the starfish any treatment and I groped around in the drawer for something else as I was sure my vision was going to fail fairly soon.I grabbed a bag of what I later found out was frozen sprouts and tore it open trying to be quiet as I did so.I took a handful of them and tried in vain to clench some between the cheeks of my arse. This was not doing the trick as some of the gel had found it's way up the chutney channel and it felt like the space shuttle was running it's engines behind me.
    This was probably and hopefully the only time in my life I was going to wish there was a gay snowman in the kitchen which should give you some idea of the depths I was willing to sink to in order to ease the pain. The only solution my pain crazed mind could come up with was to gently ease one of the sprouts where no veg had gone before.
    Unfortunately, alerted by the strange grunts coming from the kitchen the other half chose that moment to come and investigate and was greeted by the sight of me, arse in the air, strawberry ice cream dripping from my bell end pushing a sprout up my arse while muttering..." Ooooh that feels good ". Understandably this was a shock to her and she let out a scream and as I hadn't heard her come in it caused an involutary spasm of shock in myself which resulted in the sprout being ejected at quite some speed in her direction. I can understand that having a sprout farted against your leg at 11 at night in the kitchen probably wasn't the special surprise she was expecting and having to explain to the kids the next day what the strange hollow in the ice cream was didn't improve my status...So to sum it up Veet removes hair, dignity and self respect...:)


    sorry but almost wet myself when i read this .... its on the uk amazon website
  8. What's his Face

    What's his Face lost as

    Joined:
    Jul 28, 2006
    Oddometer:
    3,728
    Location:
    bundaberg australia
    that is some funny shit right there :rofl
  9. berty

    berty the new guy

    Joined:
    Jan 16, 2013
    Oddometer:
    364
    Location:
    Koolunga
    Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors.
    Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic the other residents tolerated her and some of them actually joined in.
    One day Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched.. 'STOP!,' he shouted in a firm voice. 'Have you got a licence for that thing?' Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him. 'OK' he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.
    As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted 'STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?' Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster and held it up to him. Harold nodded and said 'On your way, Ma'am.'
    As Ethel neared the final corridor, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her, Butt- Naked, and holding his 'You-Know- What' in his hand. 'Oh, good grief,' yelled Ethel, 'Not that Damn Breathalyser Test again.!!!'
  10. What's his Face

    What's his Face lost as

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    Jul 28, 2006
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    Location:
    bundaberg australia
  11. Sleepy John

    Sleepy John Grumpy Adventurer

    Joined:
    Feb 2, 2010
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    3,739
    Location:
    Bris Vegas, Australia
    My son facebooked me tonight to tell me he was cleaning the fridge out because there was ths really bad smell in it. Turns out that his flat mate bought this girl home and she left her half eaten Mars Bar in a plastic bag on the bench. Mate put it into the fridge to save for later.
  12. Happy Snapper

    Happy Snapper GOMOB.

    Joined:
    Feb 14, 2009
    Oddometer:
    2,487
    Location:
    Brisbane, almost heaven!
    You're a sick puppy SJ!
  13. DOGSROOT

    DOGSROOT OUTSIDE

    Joined:
    Jul 31, 2008
    Oddometer:
    968
    Location:
    DOGHOUSE
    HOLY SHIT :eek1

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  14. BergDonk

    BergDonk Old Enough to Know Better

    Joined:
    Nov 15, 2010
    Oddometer:
    5,308
    Location:
    Snowy Mountains Oz
    Two nuns sat at traffic lights in their car when a car load of rowdy young lads pulls up alongside.<?xml:namespace prefix = "o" ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:eek:ffice:eek:ffice" /><o:p></o:p>
    <o:p></o:p>
    "Oi, get your tits out you penguins!" shouts one of the lads.<o:p></o:p>
    <o:p></o:p>
    The Mother Superior turns to Sister Immaculata :-<o:p></o:p>
    "I don't think they know who we are, show them your cross".<o:p></o:p>
    .<o:p></o:p>
    So Sister Immaculata winds down her window and shouts,<o:p></o:p>
    "F*ck off you little wankers, before I come over there and rip your<o:p></o:p>
    balls off!"<o:p></o:p>
    <o:p></o:p>
    ......"There, was that cross enough Mother Superior ? "<o:p></o:p>
  15. Goosefeather

    Goosefeather Captain Slow

    Joined:
    Apr 6, 2006
    Oddometer:
    963
    Location:
    Brisbane, Queensland, Australia
  16. Happy Snapper

    Happy Snapper GOMOB.

    Joined:
    Feb 14, 2009
    Oddometer:
    2,487
    Location:
    Brisbane, almost heaven!
  17. PBee

    PBee .

    Joined:
    Jun 4, 2009
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    10,693
    Location:
    Kersbrook
    :lol3 yeah, he's clearly good mates with the convicted criminal to his right....:rofl
  18. Precis

    Precis Maladroit malcontent

    Joined:
    Oct 13, 2009
    Oddometer:
    4,610
    Location:
    Cruising the main, Aus
    Back on July 9th, a group of Pekin, Illinois bikers were riding west on I-74 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Murray Baker Bridge. So they stopped.

    George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says,
    "Hey Baby.....whatcha doin' up there on that railing'?"

    She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!"

    While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," George also didn't want to miss this "be-a-legend" opportunity either so he asked ..."Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe...why don't you give ole George here your best last kiss?"

    So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that ... and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one.

    After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says,

    "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey! That's a real talent you're wasting, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why the hell are you committing suicide?"

    "My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."

    It is not certain if she jumped, or was pushed.
  19. Chop Chop

    Chop Chop Hector erector

    Joined:
    Aug 31, 2009
    Oddometer:
    1,724
    Location:
    Sunny Coast, Qld Aust
    Apple Computer announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play high fidelity music in womens breast implants.

    The "iTit" will cost $499 or $599 depending on speaker size.

    This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women have always complained about "men staring at their breasts and not listening to them."


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  20. Chop Chop

    Chop Chop Hector erector

    Joined:
    Aug 31, 2009
    Oddometer:
    1,724
    Location:
    Sunny Coast, Qld Aust
    WORDS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:


    1. Innovative


    2. Preliminary


    3. Proliferation


    4. Cinnamon





    WORDS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:


    1. Specificity


    2. Anti-constitutionalistically


    3. Passive-aggressive disorder


    4. Transubstantiate





    WORDS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:


    1. No thanks, I'm married.


    2. Nope, no more booze for me!


    3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.


    4. No thanks, I'm not hungry.


    5. I'm not interested in fighting you.


    6. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance. I have no coordination


    and would hate to look like a real Fool!


    7. Oh no, I must be going home now as I have to work in the morning.



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