By Jove, a new pirate joke

Discussion in 'Australia' started by Pickled Amnesiac, Jul 29, 2006.

  1. BergDonk

    BergDonk Old Enough to Know Better

    Joined:
    Nov 15, 2010
    Oddometer:
    8,266
    Location:
    Snowy Mountains Oz
    A woman went on vacation, leaving her husband behind.

    Before she left, she told him to take extra special care of her cat.

    The next day she called her husband and asked if the cat was all right.

    Her husband said: ‘The cat just died.’

    She burst into tears and said: ‘How could you be so blunt? Why couldn't you have broken the news gradually!

    Today, you could have said that it was playing on the roof; tomorrow, you could have said that it fell off and had broken its leg;

    Then on the third day, you could have said that the poor thing had passed away in the night.

    You could have been more sensitive about the whole thing........

    By the way, how is my mother?’

    Husband: ‘She is playing on the roof.’
  2. Rocking Horse

    Rocking Horse Transition to retirement

    Joined:
    May 24, 2017
    Oddometer:
    287
    Location:
    Somerset, Tasmania
    [​IMG]
    SmittyBlackstone and wyno like this.
  3. Big Willy

    Big Willy Gen. Italia

    Joined:
    Nov 28, 2008
    Oddometer:
    4,082
    Location:
    Sunshine Coast
    Sadly, I never knew my father...he died a couple of years before I was born
  4. Rocking Horse

    Rocking Horse Transition to retirement

    Joined:
    May 24, 2017
    Oddometer:
    287
    Location:
    Somerset, Tasmania
  5. RussellM

    RussellM Been here awhile

    Joined:
    Apr 17, 2011
    Oddometer:
    400
    Location:
    Brisbane(ish), QLD, Australia
  6. diabolik37

    diabolik37 Deadly Gubba

    Joined:
    Jan 15, 2008
    Oddometer:
    2,035
    Location:
    Down Under QLD
    Dear Dad

    An old father living alone in the country wanted to plant his pepper garden, but the ground was too hard and he was too old to do the work. His only son who use to help him was in prison for robbing a bank. The old man wrote a letter to his son and mentioned his situation:

    "Dear Jake, I've been very depressed lately because it looks like I won't be able to plant my peppers this year. You know how much your mother loved planting peppers this time of year, but I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would have been over. I know you would have been happy to dig the plot for me." Love, Dad

    A few days later he received a letter from his son: "Dear Dad, Don't dig up that garden! That's where I buried the THINGS!" Love, Jake

    At 4am the next morning, Federal police and local police arrived and dug up the entire area looking for the THINGS.

    They apologised to the old man after not finding anything and left. The next day the old man received another letter from his son.

    "Dear Dad, Happy Fathers Day! Go ahead and plant your peppers now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances." Love, Jake
    Sfcootz, 51%, Cuttlefish and 5 others like this.
  7. mickd

    mickd crash test dummie

    Joined:
    Apr 10, 2007
    Oddometer:
    2,191
    Location:
    sunshine coast,australia
  8. phreakingeek

    phreakingeek adventurer

    Joined:
    Sep 17, 2010
    Oddometer:
    1,626
    Location:
    VA
  9. diabolik37

    diabolik37 Deadly Gubba

    Joined:
    Jan 15, 2008
    Oddometer:
    2,035
    Location:
    Down Under QLD
    I could tell you a story about my 10mm Metrinch socket that disappeared in QLD in 2007 and showed up unexpectedly in WA in 2010, just to disappear again and finally resurfaced in Tasmania in 2011... :lol3

    Some tools are just magic... :lol3
  10. Wodger63

    Wodger63 Long timer

    Joined:
    Oct 30, 2011
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    2,497
    Location:
    Hervey Bay
  11. Out6ack

    Out6ack Whale Rider

    Joined:
    Dec 15, 2014
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    551
    Location:
    Lake Macquarie, Newcastle.
  12. twotyred

    twotyred Practising Recedivist

    Joined:
    Feb 9, 2006
    Oddometer:
    3,649
    Location:
    Bruthen Victoria
    [​IMG]
    jemo_7, neppi, numbat and 2 others like this.
  13. Dave Ward

    Dave Ward Long timer

    Joined:
    Aug 19, 2007
    Oddometer:
    4,412
    Location:
    King River, Western Australia
    A couple of blokes from Collingwood are visiting the UK and while in London decide to raise a bit of extra cash by donating sperm.

    It was a disaster!

    One missed the tube & the other came on the bus.
  14. Mambo Dave

    Mambo Dave I cannot abide.

    Joined:
    Oct 7, 2011
    Oddometer:
    13,665
    Location:
    11 ft. AMSL
    An engineer who was unemployed for a long time decided to open a medical clinic. He puts a sign outside the clinic: "A cure for your ailment guaranteed at $500; we'll pay you $1,000 if we fail."

    A Doctor thinks this is a good opportunity to earn $1,000 and goes to his clinic.

    Doctor: "I have lost my sense of taste."
    Engineer: "Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."
    Doctor: "This is Gasoline!"
    Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500."
    The Doctor gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days later to recover his money.
    Doctor: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."
    Engineer: "Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."
    Doctor: "But that is Gasoline!"
    Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500."
    The Doctor leaves angrily and comes back after several days, more determined than ever to make his money back.
    Doctor: "My eyesight has become weak."
    Engineer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for this. Take this $1,000," passing the doctor a $500 note.
    Doctor: "But this is $500..."
    Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your vision back! That will be $500."
  15. Mouse

    Mouse I'm only smelly

    Joined:
    Nov 1, 2005
    Oddometer:
    13,621
    Location:
    Byron Bay
    Hi @Mambo Dave - are you lost or have they put you in the naughty corner again over there?
    Mambo Dave likes this.
  16. Mambo Dave

    Mambo Dave I cannot abide.

    Joined:
    Oct 7, 2011
    Oddometer:
    13,665
    Location:
    11 ft. AMSL
    This week was all about gearing up for, then attending, a trade show. Thanks for asking, lol. https://i.imgur.com/2RLlSD8.jpg
  17. OldDog

    OldDog non impediti ratione cogitationis

    Joined:
    Feb 20, 2005
    Oddometer:
    6,230
    Location:
    Kalgoorlie, Western Australia
    Hopefully @Mouse isn't in this boat.

    FB_IMG_1528714195850.jpg
    SmittyBlackstone, Wodger63 and Mouse like this.
  18. gunnabuild1

    gunnabuild1 Long timer

    Joined:
    Sep 13, 2008
    Oddometer:
    3,297
    Location:
    Ipswich Queensland
    A blonde heard that baths in milk would make her beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk.

    When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons.

    So he knocked on the door to clarify the point.

    The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your
    note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk.

    Did you mean 2.5 gallons?"

    The blonde said,
    "No, I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again."

    The milkman asked, "Do you want it pasteurized?"

    The blonde said,
    "No, just up to my tits ...
    I can splash it on my eyes if I need to!"
  19. Dave Ward

    Dave Ward Long timer

    Joined:
    Aug 19, 2007
    Oddometer:
    4,412
    Location:
    King River, Western Australia
    sages likes this.
  20. Dave Ward

    Dave Ward Long timer

    Joined:
    Aug 19, 2007
    Oddometer:
    4,412
    Location:
    King River, Western Australia
    On the weekend I won my first cage fight. I'm over the moon!

    Fucking budgie won't be biting me again.
    OldDog, sages, ECKS-Man and 2 others like this.