By Jove, a new pirate joke

Discussion in 'Australia' started by Pickled Amnesiac, Jul 29, 2006.

  1. BOOTLACE

    BOOTLACE Bikie Scum.

    Joined:
    Dec 24, 2005
    Oddometer:
    8,806
    Location:
    Methane Central..(Sth Gippsland)
  2. BergDonk

    BergDonk Old Enough to Know Better

    Joined:
    Nov 15, 2010
    Oddometer:
    8,273
    Location:
    Snowy Mountains Oz
    Two Queenslanders, Jim and Bruce, are sitting at their local bar having a few beers.

    Jim turns to Bruce and says, "You know what? I'm tired of drifting through life without a real education. Tomorrow, I think I'll go down to that TAFE College and sign up for some classes."

    Next day, Jim goes to the TAFE and a helpful lady in Admissions says she'll sign him up for the four basic classes: Maths, English, History and Logic.

    "Logic?" Jim says. "What's that?"

    The young lady says, "I'll give you an example. Do you own a whipper snipper?"

    "Yeah."

    "Then logically speaking, because you own a whipper snipper, I think that you would have a yard."

    "That's true, I do have a yard."

    "I'm not done," the young lady says. "Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a house."

    "Yes, I do have a house."

    "And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family."

    "Yes, I have a family."

    "I'm not done yet." she says.

    "Because you have a family, then logically you would have a wife and because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must be a heterosexual."

    "I am a heterosexual." says Jim.

    "That's amazing. You were able to find out all that because I have a whipper snipper!"

    Excited to take the class now, Jim thanks the young lady at Admissions and leaves to meet Bruce at the pub.

    He tells Bruce about his classes, how he is signed up for Maths, English, History and Logic.

    "Logic?" Bruce says, "What's that?"

    Jim says, "Well Bruce, I'll give you an example. Do you have a whipper snipper?"

    "No."

    "Then you're a poofter."
  3. BergDonk

    BergDonk Old Enough to Know Better

    Joined:
    Nov 15, 2010
    Oddometer:
    8,273
    Location:
    Snowy Mountains Oz
    Politics 101

    I told my son, "You will marry the girl i choose."

    He said, "no."

    I told him, "She is Bill Gates' daughter."

    He then said, "Yes."

    I called Bill Gates and said, "I want your daughter to marry my son."

    Bill Gates said, "No."

    I told Bill Gates, "My son is the CEO of the World Bank."

    Bill Gates then said, "OK."

    I called the president of World Bank and asked him to make my son the CEO.

    He said, "No."

    I told him, "My son is Bill Gates' son-in-law."

    He then said, "OK."
  4. dunc

    dunc coddiwompler

    Joined:
    Dec 26, 2010
    Oddometer:
    2,824
    Location:
    NSW--OZ
  5. Mouse

    Mouse I'm only smelly

    Joined:
    Nov 1, 2005
    Oddometer:
    13,652
    Location:
    Byron Bay
    Financial Planning explained by an Irishman in the Outback. Paddy bought a camel from a farmer for $100.

    The farmer agreed to deliver the camel the next day.

    In the morning he drove up and said, ‘Sorry son, but I have some bad news. The camel’s died.’

    Paddy replied, ‘Well just give me my money back then.’

    The farmer said, ‘Can’t do that. I’ve already spent it.’

    Paddy said, ‘OK then, just bring me the dead camel.’

    The farmer asked, ‘What are you going to do with him?’

    Paddy said, ‘I’m going to raffle him off.’

    The farmer said, ‘You can’t raffle a dead camel!’

    Paddy said, ‘Sure I can. Watch me. I just won’t tell anybody he’s dead.’

    A month later, the farmer met up with Paddy and asked, ‘What happened with that dead camel?’

    Paddy said, ‘I raffled him off.

    I sold 500 tickets at $2 each and made a profit of $898′

    The farmer said, ‘Didn’t anyone complain?’

    Paddy said, ‘Just the guy who won. So I gave him his $2 back.’

    Paddy now works for the Commonwealth Bank.
  6. BergDonk

    BergDonk Old Enough to Know Better

    Joined:
    Nov 15, 2010
    Oddometer:
    8,273
    Location:
    Snowy Mountains Oz
    A while back a pack of outlaw bikers were riding east on 378 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Pee Dee River Bridge. So they stopped.

    Jackie, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says,

    "Hey Baby . . . whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?"

    She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!"

    While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," Jackie also didn't want to miss this "be-a-legend" opportunity either, so he asked . . . "Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe . .

    Why don't you give ol' Jack here your best last kiss?"

    So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that . . .

    And it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one.

    After they breathlessly finished, Jackie gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had! That's a real talent you're wasting there, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?"

    "My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."

    It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.
  7. twotyred

    twotyred Practising Recedivist

    Joined:
    Feb 9, 2006
    Oddometer:
    3,650
    Location:
    Bruthen Victoria
  8. Dave Ward

    Dave Ward Long timer

    Joined:
    Aug 19, 2007
    Oddometer:
    4,416
    Location:
    King River, Western Australia
    My girlfriend texted me earlier: "Why don't you ever put an X at the end of your texts?"

    I replied: "Sorry babe. Michelle."
  9. Mouse

    Mouse I'm only smelly

    Joined:
    Nov 1, 2005
    Oddometer:
    13,652
    Location:
    Byron Bay
    :fpalm
    Gasman_ADV likes this.
  10. Rocking Horse

    Rocking Horse Transition to retirement

    Joined:
    May 24, 2017
    Oddometer:
    293
    Location:
    Somerset, Tasmania
    [​IMG]
    [​IMG]
    Wearyeyed, Bounty1, rvt and 7 others like this.
  11. TheDecepticon

    TheDecepticon Wannabe

    Joined:
    Mar 17, 2014
    Oddometer:
    555
    Location:
    Adelaide, South Australia
    I was going to tell you a time travel joke but you didn't get it.
    Wearyeyed, Bounty1, rvt and 5 others like this.
  12. Dave Ward

    Dave Ward Long timer

    Joined:
    Aug 19, 2007
    Oddometer:
    4,416
    Location:
    King River, Western Australia
  13. Wodger63

    Wodger63 Long timer

    Joined:
    Oct 30, 2011
    Oddometer:
    2,501
    Location:
    Hervey Bay
  14. BergDonk

    BergDonk Old Enough to Know Better

    Joined:
    Nov 15, 2010
    Oddometer:
    8,273
    Location:
    Snowy Mountains Oz
    Winter's now here and its been snowing all night - So ......................:

    8:00 I made a snowman.

    8:10 A feminist passed by and asked me why I didn't make a snow woman.

    8:15 So, I made a snow woman.

    8:17 My feminist neighbour complained about the snow woman's voluptuous
    chest saying it objectified snow women everywhere.

    8:20 The gay couple living nearby threw a hissy fit and moaned it could
    have been two snow men instead.

    8:22 The transgender ma..wom...person asked why I didn't just make one
    snow person with detachable parts.

    8:25 The vegans at the end of the lane complained about the carrot
    nose, as veggies are food and not to decorate snow figures with.

    8:28 I am being called a racist because the snow couple is white.

    8:31 The Muslim gent across the road demands the snow woman wear a
    burqa.

    8:40 The Police arrive saying someone has been offended

    8:42 The feminist neighbour complained again that the broomstick of the
    snow woman needs to be removed because it depicted women in a domestic role.

    8:43 The council equality officer arrived and threatened me with eviction.

    8:45 TV news crew from the ABC shows up. I am asked if I know the
    difference between snowmen and snow-women? I reply, "Snowballs" and am now called a sexist.

    9:00 I'm on the News as a suspected terrorist, racist, homophobe
    sensibility offender, bent on stirring up trouble during difficult weather.

    9:10 I am asked if I have any accomplices. My children are taken by social services.

    9:29 Far left protesters offended by everything are marching down the
    street demanding for me to be beheaded.
  15. diabolik37

    diabolik37 Deadly Gubba

    Joined:
    Jan 15, 2008
    Oddometer:
    2,035
    Location:
    Down Under QLD
    A farmer named Patrick lived alone in the Irish countryside with his pet dog.

    The dog finally died and Patrick went to the parish priest, saying "Father, my dog died. Could you possibly be saying a Mass for the poor creature?"
    Father Donald told the farmer "No, we can't have services for an animal in the church, but I'll tell you what, there's a new denomination down the road, and no telling what they believe in, but maybe they'll do something for the animal."

    Patrick said "I'll go right now. By the way, do you think $100,000 is enough to donate for the service?"

    Father Patrick replied "Why didn't you tell me the dog was Catholic."
  16. BygDaddee

    BygDaddee Where do I get a pie

    Joined:
    Oct 26, 2012
    Oddometer:
    6,181
    Location:
    Brisbane Northside, OZ
  17. Dad

    Dad Diapers & Dirt

    Joined:
    Apr 10, 2003
    Oddometer:
    670
    Location:
    AZ
    I told that damn joke to five people now and not a single one got it. So I told them "yeah you didn't get it back then and you won't get it tomorrow 10 years from now.." :patch


    :lol3
  18. rvt

    rvt Big Fat Trail Bikes

    Joined:
    Feb 20, 2011
    Oddometer:
    1,977
    Location:
    Western Australia
    SmittyBlackstone and BygDaddee like this.
  19. diabolik37

    diabolik37 Deadly Gubba

    Joined:
    Jan 15, 2008
    Oddometer:
    2,035
    Location:
    Down Under QLD
    I guess you had to be there... :lol3
    SmittyBlackstone, Hay Ewe and Dad like this.
  20. Dad

    Dad Diapers & Dirt

    Joined:
    Apr 10, 2003
    Oddometer:
    670
    Location:
    AZ
    :lol3

    Finally got someone with a half decent comeback. It was my brother and he said "Well if you had actually told me the joke then, I would have had all this time to try and get it"
    SmittyBlackstone likes this.