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Discussion in 'Australia' started by Pickled Amnesiac, Jul 29, 2006.
Two Queenslanders, Jim and Bruce, are sitting at their local bar having a few beers.
Jim turns to Bruce and says, "You know what? I'm tired of drifting through life without a real education. Tomorrow, I think I'll go down to that TAFE College and sign up for some classes."
Next day, Jim goes to the TAFE and a helpful lady in Admissions says she'll sign him up for the four basic classes: Maths, English, History and Logic.
"Logic?" Jim says. "What's that?"
The young lady says, "I'll give you an example. Do you own a whipper snipper?"
"Then logically speaking, because you own a whipper snipper, I think that you would have a yard."
"That's true, I do have a yard."
"I'm not done," the young lady says. "Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a house."
"Yes, I do have a house."
"And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family."
"Yes, I have a family."
"I'm not done yet." she says.
"Because you have a family, then logically you would have a wife and because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must be a heterosexual."
"I am a heterosexual." says Jim.
"That's amazing. You were able to find out all that because I have a whipper snipper!"
Excited to take the class now, Jim thanks the young lady at Admissions and leaves to meet Bruce at the pub.
He tells Bruce about his classes, how he is signed up for Maths, English, History and Logic.
"Logic?" Bruce says, "What's that?"
Jim says, "Well Bruce, I'll give you an example. Do you have a whipper snipper?"
"Then you're a poofter."
I told my son, "You will marry the girl i choose."
He said, "no."
I told him, "She is Bill Gates' daughter."
He then said, "Yes."
I called Bill Gates and said, "I want your daughter to marry my son."
Bill Gates said, "No."
I told Bill Gates, "My son is the CEO of the World Bank."
Bill Gates then said, "OK."
I called the president of World Bank and asked him to make my son the CEO.
He said, "No."
I told him, "My son is Bill Gates' son-in-law."
He then said, "OK."
Financial Planning explained by an Irishman in the Outback. Paddy bought a camel from a farmer for $100.
The farmer agreed to deliver the camel the next day.
In the morning he drove up and said, ‘Sorry son, but I have some bad news. The camel’s died.’
Paddy replied, ‘Well just give me my money back then.’
The farmer said, ‘Can’t do that. I’ve already spent it.’
Paddy said, ‘OK then, just bring me the dead camel.’
The farmer asked, ‘What are you going to do with him?’
Paddy said, ‘I’m going to raffle him off.’
The farmer said, ‘You can’t raffle a dead camel!’
Paddy said, ‘Sure I can. Watch me. I just won’t tell anybody he’s dead.’
A month later, the farmer met up with Paddy and asked, ‘What happened with that dead camel?’
Paddy said, ‘I raffled him off.
I sold 500 tickets at $2 each and made a profit of $898′
The farmer said, ‘Didn’t anyone complain?’
Paddy said, ‘Just the guy who won. So I gave him his $2 back.’
Paddy now works for the Commonwealth Bank.
A while back a pack of outlaw bikers were riding east on 378 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Pee Dee River Bridge. So they stopped.
Jackie, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says,
"Hey Baby . . . whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?"
She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!"
While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," Jackie also didn't want to miss this "be-a-legend" opportunity either, so he asked . . . "Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe . .
Why don't you give ol' Jack here your best last kiss?"
So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that . . .
And it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one.
After they breathlessly finished, Jackie gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had! That's a real talent you're wasting there, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?"
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."
It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.
My girlfriend texted me earlier: "Why don't you ever put an X at the end of your texts?"
I replied: "Sorry babe. Michelle."
I was going to tell you a time travel joke but you didn't get it.
Winter's now here and its been snowing all night - So ......................:
8:00 I made a snowman.
8:10 A feminist passed by and asked me why I didn't make a snow woman.
8:15 So, I made a snow woman.
8:17 My feminist neighbour complained about the snow woman's voluptuous
chest saying it objectified snow women everywhere.
8:20 The gay couple living nearby threw a hissy fit and moaned it could
have been two snow men instead.
8:22 The transgender ma..wom...person asked why I didn't just make one
snow person with detachable parts.
8:25 The vegans at the end of the lane complained about the carrot
nose, as veggies are food and not to decorate snow figures with.
8:28 I am being called a racist because the snow couple is white.
8:31 The Muslim gent across the road demands the snow woman wear a
8:40 The Police arrive saying someone has been offended
8:42 The feminist neighbour complained again that the broomstick of the
snow woman needs to be removed because it depicted women in a domestic role.
8:43 The council equality officer arrived and threatened me with eviction.
8:45 TV news crew from the ABC shows up. I am asked if I know the
difference between snowmen and snow-women? I reply, "Snowballs" and am now called a sexist.
9:00 I'm on the News as a suspected terrorist, racist, homophobe
sensibility offender, bent on stirring up trouble during difficult weather.
9:10 I am asked if I have any accomplices. My children are taken by social services.
9:29 Far left protesters offended by everything are marching down the
street demanding for me to be beheaded.
A farmer named Patrick lived alone in the Irish countryside with his pet dog.
The dog finally died and Patrick went to the parish priest, saying "Father, my dog died. Could you possibly be saying a Mass for the poor creature?"
Father Donald told the farmer "No, we can't have services for an animal in the church, but I'll tell you what, there's a new denomination down the road, and no telling what they believe in, but maybe they'll do something for the animal."
Patrick said "I'll go right now. By the way, do you think $100,000 is enough to donate for the service?"
Father Patrick replied "Why didn't you tell me the dog was Catholic."
I told that damn joke to five people now and not a single one got it. So I told them "yeah you didn't get it back then and you won't get it tomorrow 10 years from now.."
I guess you had to be there...
Finally got someone with a half decent comeback. It was my brother and he said "Well if you had actually told me the joke then, I would have had all this time to try and get it"