Warning: this entry might be off the charts with psycho-babble OC, so sorry to hear about the anguish you are experiencing, especially after getting a good nights sleep…I can just feel your frustration with this unexpected and “uninvited guest” that is running around in your head like a “Bull in a China shop”. Inmate Dracula said in one sentence what would take me 10 pages to describe to you in PM’s. I think he has efficiently distilled the essence of adventure travel to it’s most basic, purest undividable form. This (mental aspect) is your actual journey. The motorcycling, the fantastic sights, sounds, smells, tastes and people met on this physical adventure are just the icing or the back drop of this fantastic mental adventure. You did not tip toe into this (mental) adventure, you jumped in fully committed….very brave…and the shock of this class 5 rapids has produced some suffering you are not accustomed to dealing with. I’ve always thought poetry to be one of the silliest past times ever invented…how to word something in mysterious ways where the meaning is vague and uncertain. BUT, I did come across this “poem” by Rumi, during the last year and it does describe very accurately the human condition and it is very relatable to what’s happening with you right now. Think a lot about the last sentence. This being human is a guest house. Every morning a new arrival. A joy, a depression, a meanness, some momentary awareness comes as an unexpected visitor. Welcome and entertain them all! Even if they are a crowd of sorrows, who violently sweep your house empty of its furniture, still, treat each guest honorably. He may be clearing you out for some new delight. The dark thought, the shame, the malice. meet them at the door laughing and invite them in. Be grateful for whatever comes, because each has been sent as a guide from beyond. I’m probably the last person on earth you want to ask about the meaning of a message in a poem but here is what it means to me. This stuff in your head that’s going on is a (gift) message to you telling you that you need to work on this and it will make your life better. It won’t be easy or fun but it’s important and that’s why it’s taking up so much space and energy in your head. Maybe working on it would be better done in a Class 2 rapids…I don’t know. But this “thing” to be worked will follow you wherever you go. So the decision is, do I want to work on it in a full immersion, high intensity environment (the current trip) or do I want to work on it in little pieces, here and there back home. Maybe turning around is the right thing to do and maybe the full on high intensity immersion is the right way to do this but for shorter durations, 1 month (2 weeks out into Mexico and then 2 weeks back to home) Then another 1 month expedition and try to stretch it a little longer. You can figure out the formula that works best for you. The great thing is, it sounds like you have the means, the time, and the desire to figure this all out even if it is a bit scary and uncomfortable. And if some meds are needed to help lubricate the process…get them. I think everyone here is pulling for you to successfully navigate the “mental journey” in whatever form that takes. Yes we are all a bit greedy and would love to continue to get your fantastic photos and great story telling for the next 4 months but ultimately, what’s best for you is what we want. Wishing you the best in which ever way both of your journeys go. You will make the right decision for yourself at this moment in time. And, even if you turn around, as Dracula said - unless it is harming you, please continue to share your adventure with us on the journey north.