Look, it's bad enough the weather sucks about 8 months out of the year ... that the skies are cloudy 93.5412% of the time. And that the economy is in the shitter and the Rust Belt has to have new holes drilled in the waistband because it keeps shrinking. But what really pisses me off is the so-called "professional sports teams" in this state. The Cleveland Browns? Moved to Baltimore by a greedy owner, then replaced with a laughable franchise seemingly run by Jerry Lewis on crack. I'm betting by the time the Browns finally reach their first Super Bowl, we'll all have flying cars and our Martian masters will have us digging for ammonia to feed them. Meanwhile, of course, the Baltimore Ravens won a Super Bowl. The Cincinnati Bengals? Yeah, they've made a couple of Super Bowls ... back when NFL Films was doing their work in black and white. Nowadays, the only thing they're known for is their excellent Felon Catch and Release program. The Reds? They haven't won anything in about, what, twenty years? You can't tell the players without a scorecard. Even with a scorecard, you need a pronunciation guide. Their idea of a 'budding star' is a kid who hit .240 on the sandlot and fashioned a glove out of newspaper. The Indians? Had their chance. Came close ... until they unloaded Manny Ramirez for $300 and a pack of Double Bubble. Now woefully inadequate, with an ERA slightly higher than the Dow Jones Average. The Columbus Blue Jackets? Please. After nine years in the NHL, they finally made the playoffs, only to get spanked so badly by the Red Wings in a four-game sweep so embarrassing the entire team is undergoing therapy. And now the Cleveland Cavaliers. Owning the best regular season record in the NBA, they're going to lose to the Orlando Magic while they stand around and scratch their nuts, not even giving their fans the satisfaction of being crushed by the L.A. Lakers in the finals. It's enough to make me bitter, I tell ya. Is it too much to ask to have just ONE FUCKING CHAMPIONSHIP delivered by ONE FUCKING PROFESSIONAL TEAM in this goddam state?