New Olympic Sport

Discussion in 'Sports' started by cap, Mar 11, 2004.

  1. cap

    cap Vice of Reason

    Joined:
    Nov 8, 2003
    Oddometer:
    2,404
    Location:
    Fort Collins, CO
    So many members of this forum seem to enjoy the shooting sports – I thought we might be able to petition for a new Olympic sport. I propose a Pentathlon modeled after the current Biathlon, with a uniquely ADVrider twist. A tentative series of events would be something like this.

    The Combat-Riders Pentathlon

    Event 1. The Lane Splitters Dilemma

    You ride between two lanes of parked cars. The cars contain silhouette targets of adults and children. Periodically, car doors open in front of you. While swerving around the open doors, you may engage any adult target. However, some doors are opened by children in the act of projectile vomiting. Engaging a child target is immediate disqualification.
    Scoring: 10 points for each adult target engaged. Penalty of five points for vomit on the bike.

    Event 2. The Motorhome Slalom

    You ride uphill in a passing lane. Motorhomes are moving at varying speeds, staggered throughout the course. You must weave through the motorhomes, while watching for targets. Targets are any minivan having a bumper sticker that says, “My child is on the Honor Roll…”
    Scoring: NASCAR scoring: Fastest through the slalom gets 150 points; second place gets 145, etc. 10 point bonus for each target successfully engaged.

    Event 3. The Deer Dodge

    You ride around a blind high-speed off-camber turn. There is sand along the center-line. As you reach the apex, you see chunks of rock in the lane. While adjusting your line to miss the rocks, you must engage the herd of deer along the side of the road. You may engage any fork-horn or better. Immediate disqualification for hitting a deer with your motorcycle.
    Scoring: 10 points per antler point. Penalty of 5 points each for engaging a doe, fawn, or spike, unless animal has CWS, in which case you get a 25 point bonus.

    Event 4. The Tar-Strip Boogie.

    You ride on a twisty road with fresh tar-strips on a hot day. The objective is to be the fastest motorcycle on the course. You are sharing the road with a swarm of bicyclists competing in a cross-country race. You may engage any bicyclist stopped in the travel lane to change a tire.
    Scoring: NASCAR scoring. 10 point bonus for each tire-changer. Penalty of 5 points for each bicyclist punted into the borrow-ditch.

    Event 5. Gas ‘n Go Deliverance

    You ride your bike into an all-night convenience store in a rural area. You must fill your tank, purchase a pre-packaged chili-cheese burrito, heat the burrito in the microwave, and leave before your bike is stolen. This is definitely a cash-only, pay-before-you-pump operation. Upon entering the store, you interrupt an armed robbery. You must engage pop-up targets while heating your burrito and paying for your gas. Periodically, a pickup truck full of drunks pull into the gas station and they try to steal your bike. If this happens while you are in the store, you must run outside and scare off the drunks.
    Scoring: NASCAR scoring. 10 point bonus for each pop-up successfully engaged. No penalty for engaging the wrong pop-up (think of it as “thinning the herd”). Special bonus if you can find a Chorizo and Egg burrito. Immediate disqualification for leaving without paying for your fuel. If you allow your bike to be stolen, you get to find out why this event is called “Deliverance.” Can you say, “Soooeyy, boy?”
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