The BEST Continental Divide ride report EVER!

Discussion in 'Ride Reports - Epic Rides' started by NCD, Aug 31, 2011.

  1. NCD

    NCD Dirty Hairy

    Joined:
    Nov 13, 2008
    Oddometer:
    634
    Location:
    NE Ohio
    What a great title. Too bad it's full of crap. I needed something to lure people in here. You know that urban myth about the 2 hot chicks that lure you back to a hotel room in Vegas, with promises of a sordid 3-way affair of your dreams? Only you wake up in a foggy stupor, in a tub full of ice, with key internal organs missing? Well, I'm those hot chicks.

    You see, there is a problem. There are already 604,347 ride reports about the Continental Divide, with nearly 1,456,803 photos documenting every inch of the route. There are longstanding efforts by Big Dog and Questor. And more recent ones by Woodworks and others. But then that sonofabitch Cannonshot came in here and laid down the law. An epic. Pictures of everything, multiple informative sidetrips, and the holy grail of GPS information. Why bother reporting anymore. They should just close the trail. Done.

    So what should I do? I had a great ride. I've got some nice pictures. But I'm sitting in front of my computer kinda feeling like this:

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    But then I had an idea. I think I will tee this report up ... back up and take a deep breath ... line it up ... little practice swing, nice and easy ... another deep breath ... exhale ... nice, full backswing .... and ...

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    slice this motherf*cker way into the woods. It's bound to ricochet and bounce somewhere interesting. And if not, it might be funny to watch me try to whack it out of the pine needles to get it back on track. Be forewarned: this report may (will) contain poor humor, lame attempts at sarcasm, and may offend 93.79% of the general public. The other 6.34% may actually crack a moderate smile (I know the numbers don't add up. I'm too lazy to get a calculator out shithead.)

    Oh, almost forgot. You are supposed to post a pic to whet the whistle a bit, and get people to stick around. So, with that in mind, I searched through my stack and pulled out the most mundane, lame ass pic in the bunch. You know the one. The one with your stupid ass motorcycle anchored in a corner. Like this:

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    Is anyone still with me at this point?

    Disclaimer: Cannonshot is not really a sonofabitch. His RR was super helpful to me, as were the others that I mentioned. If anything I have said up to this point has been found offensive by you, you need to turn and run. It's only going to get worse from here.
    #1
  2. NCD

    NCD Dirty Hairy

    Joined:
    Nov 13, 2008
    Oddometer:
    634
    Location:
    NE Ohio
    Days 1-3
    Like 1800 miles-ish.


    Alright, here we go. The first issue arises:

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    God damn the Midwest sucks it on the interstate. The only good thing is that the states are small, so it feels like you are making progress as you cross state lines. Until you try to go through Chicago. Why do people want to live with such congestion? Anyway, I sat in 88 degree heat in stop-and-go traffic for an hour and a half. F Chicago. On the northern side, the traffic let up, only to be replaced by a torrential downpour. It was so bad that CARS were stopped under the bridge with me to hide from it. After a few minutes, I felt a sensation on my feet. Do I need to waterproof my boots? No. The damn underside of the bridge is FLOODING, and the water is now shin deep and leaking in. So, out into the douche-fest we go. The only plus side is stanking up your free hotel room (points) at the end of the day with all your wet shit:

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    Out west the states are all day affairs. They clearly got lazy with making new states. Then, at some point in the wide open of eastern Montana, the soaking committee decided to meet with me again. Only this time, I had miles and miles of open road ahead of me. So I started playing one of those Time/Speed/Distance problems that they used to torture you with in school. "A man on a motorcycle is travelling north at 75 miles per hour. A rainstorm with lightning is approaching from the west at 35 miles per hour. How many minutes will it take for the two to meet?" Or, better yet, how friggin' fast do I have to go to outrun this shit? I tried 80 for a bit, but that wasn't enough. 85? Nope? 90 looked promising for a while, but the crazy crosswinds from the left had me riding sidesaddle, laying down on my tank, with my left hand on top of the triple to minimize my profile. There was no winning this one. It's bizarre how fast you will exceed the posted speed limit in order to avoid putting on your raingear.

    The rain storm was approaching fast now from the west. I could smell the damp soil at this point:

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    Little rain drops were beginning to burst on my shield. I looked left to see the solid rain sheet about 500 yards out from me. And just like that - *squeak* - it's as if someone just turned off the faucet. I watched in disbelief of the last bit of rain dropped to the ground, like a curtain falling from a rod to the floor. I looked straight up to watch the dark clouds harden up on the bottom, and move off to the east:

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    Oh yeah. I almost forgot. Coming across Indiana, 3 other riders with GS boxers (the BMW engine, not the men's underpants) passed me on the turnpike. That means 4 of the 6 GS riders from Ohio were all on the same road at the same time. Creepy. A little while later, I saw one of them in a long, hot line of cars waiting to move forward to pay his toll at the booth. I eased off the throttle, and worked left to go past him and through the EZ-PASS (or i-PASS or jizz-boxx or any of the myriad of names each state seems to come up with for the same damn thing) lane, only to find his 2 buddies patiently waiting for him (probably sweating their ass off) on the other side. Oh, THAT guy. They brought HIM. PITA guy. $20,000 bike, but too cheap to spring for the EZ-PASS. THAT guy. They are probably still waiting for him somewhere. Left his ID or credit card at home.

    That brings us to our first (start humming a cliche TV infomercial jingle here) PRODUCT REVIEW!

    Disclaimer: Sorry THAT guy. You are probably a competent rider, and a fun dude to have around. But you blew it on this one. Read the following product review and see how easy it is to avoid public humiliation on the internet.
    #2
  3. azshtr

    azshtr Long timer

    Joined:
    Aug 25, 2009
    Oddometer:
    6,943
    Location:
    Phoenix, AZ
    :lurk

    Great start
    #3
  4. Hugerush

    Hugerush Furbrain

    Joined:
    Jul 7, 2010
    Oddometer:
    90
    Location:
    Rocky Mountain High
    It's actually fun reading other peoples reports having just traveled the route.


    Plus....ANYONE with one of Neil's drum heads as his avatar is alright in my book! :drums
    #4
  5. eddyturn

    eddyturn Wannabe

    Joined:
    Oct 27, 2009
    Oddometer:
    2,655
    Location:
    Hesperus, CO
    In. Pretty darn entertaining already.
    #5
  6. Cannonshot

    Cannonshot Having a Nice Time Super Moderator

    Joined:
    Jul 10, 2005
    Oddometer:
    23,905
    Location:
    SE Wisconsin
    :lol3 This is looking pretty good! :thumb
    #6
  7. Abenteuerfahrer

    Abenteuerfahrer Deaf on Wheels

    Joined:
    Dec 27, 2007
    Oddometer:
    2,362
    Location:
    Prescott, Arizona, USA
    :lol3...gonna see a lot of "sh*t" words but his writin' is gonna be good:deal. Subscribed:clap.
    #7
  8. kparrott

    kparrott Adventurer

    Joined:
    Oct 26, 2010
    Oddometer:
    29
    Location:
    Chesapeake, Ohio
    I'm in, I think its a good start!:clap

    Unfortunately I can relate to the 240 yard slice out into the woods...
    #8
  9. NCD

    NCD Dirty Hairy

    Joined:
    Nov 13, 2008
    Oddometer:
    634
    Location:
    NE Ohio
    The fact that you know whose drum head that is makes you an official RUSH dork!:rofl
    #9
  10. NCD

    NCD Dirty Hairy

    Joined:
    Nov 13, 2008
    Oddometer:
    634
    Location:
    NE Ohio
    Thanks for not taking my shots too seriously!
    #10
  11. NCD

    NCD Dirty Hairy

    Joined:
    Nov 13, 2008
    Oddometer:
    634
    Location:
    NE Ohio
    So, I needed a way to mount an EZ-PASS without some ridickulous contraption on my handlebars. And cheap. And quick to remove. No RAM mount overkill > I only need it a few days a year. I found a bicycle map case that mounts to handlebars east schmeasy. Its made by Detours, and its called a Clipper. Buy one at a local bicycle shop or on the internets somewhere. $15

    Heres how it works.

    Step 1: Buy the Clipper.
    Step 2: Go out in the garage and steal your wife's EZ-Pass.
    Step 3: Put your junk in that box:

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    Step 4: Stretch this little guy around your bars:

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    Step 5: And 'clip' it on. Clipper, get it?

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    Now, when you stop to take a whiz at the rest stop, you can just pop it off real quick and stick it in your pocket. Cause there is ALWAYS that one dude loitering around the rest stop looking at your bike. I went a whole post without saying sh*t.
    #11
  12. Pantah

    Pantah PJ Fan from Boston

    Joined:
    Oct 25, 2004
    Oddometer:
    11,218
    Location:
    India Wharf
    NCD - This is going to be great. I know, because I know that miserable Chicago transit from the east. All I ask is that you get her done by Sep 18. That is the day I begin Cannonshot's tracks. :D

    I shipped my tiddler out there just today...
    #12
  13. WaywardSon

    WaywardSon Long timer

    Joined:
    Nov 19, 2006
    Oddometer:
    1,564
    Location:
    Somewhere East of Omaha....
    In....I like your style. Now quit screwing around and get back to posting. I mean WTF...it's been 15 minutes.
    #13
  14. jc.morrisonii

    jc.morrisonii Adventurer

    Joined:
    Apr 5, 2010
    Oddometer:
    56
    Location:
    Sierra Vista, AZ
    That graphic with, my shit, whole lotta flat shit, and the good shit killed me:rofl
    #14
  15. acesandeights

    acesandeights Asperger

    Joined:
    Jul 2, 2008
    Oddometer:
    4,664
    Location:
    So. Oregon
    I'm sorry man, but I'm totally confused. What's a clipper again? And, step #3...you put your junk in your wife's box? I think I'm going to like this afterall.
    #15
  16. NCD

    NCD Dirty Hairy

    Joined:
    Nov 13, 2008
    Oddometer:
    634
    Location:
    NE Ohio
    Day 4
    Shelby, MT to Seeley Lake, MT
    280 Miles


    It was a relief to wake up this morning knowing that the multi-day SLABtacular was behind me. It was really quite fun to actually steer my bike today, instead of just droning along in a straight line! But I needed to make a quick visit to Canada to make the ride official. I headed north to the nearest border crossing. I slowed as I approached the entry point, and stopped face to face with a Canadian border guard.

    Guard: Hello sir, and welcome to Canada.
    Me: Thank you. May I proceed?
    Perhaps. Before you may access our country, you need to correctly recite the lyrics to fellow Canadian Bryan Adam's classic rock hit, "Cuts Like a Knife."
    What? You are kidding me, right?
    Kidding? I don't know what you are talking a boot.
    A boot? What does my footwear have to do with anything?
    Please begin the lyrics sir, or turn your machine around and return the the USA.
    I don't know the lyrics. But I can air drum Rush's "Tom Sawyer" to like 98% accuracy. Does that count?
    Everyone in Canada can do that sir. It's part of the 6th grade proficiency exam.
    Dammit. Well f*ck you and your stupid metric system then!


    Canada. What kind of backwards country uses the metric system anyway? Dividing by 10? How ridiculous. Why can't they just add 1/8 to 35/64 like a real country. Idiots. I bet they are the only dumbwads that use metric anyway.

    All of this is to say that I didn't bother going up to the border. But while I was bored on the highway, I thought of the above wierd dialogue and decided to add it here for flavor. See, I can't be trusted. I told you.

    So it was time to head west to and through Glacier National Park. After about an hours ride that morning, America revealed her delicious mounds to me:

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    I felt a presence behind me, and turned around. I think the adventure is starting to come together now:

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    After entering the park, the Going-to-the-Sun road climbs and winds it's way up and over the pass. (The road never reaches the sun, f*cking liars.) The scenery totally sucks nuts all the way:

    [​IMG]

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    At the top, there is a busy visitor center. I took a picture of the informational sign up there, but the photo did not come out. I can remember verbatim what it said though:

    Welcome to historic Glacier National Park. The road you are on was created in 1956 as a safe passage upon which to travel over the pass. However, in 1989 the United States government uncovered evidence of universal healthcare, Molson, and hockey sticks being illegally transferred into the US via the large glacier descending from Canada into the parks boundaries. The best and brightest minds were gathered to assess the problem, and the only solution that was considered valid was an attempt to raise the temperature of the earth's atmosphere enough to begin melting the glacier, and stopping it's progress. Large trucks and SUV's were then manufactured, sold, and deployed all over the country in order to put the plan in motion. It was coined Operation Global Warming, and it's effects can still be felt worldwide, as the plan was a enormous success - altogether halting the horrid influx.

    As the glacier melts and releases it's cargo, you can actually hear Celine Dion's voice echoing throughout the canyon walls. It's eerie:

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    Exiting GNP. Like I said, the scenery sucks nuts:

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    So, after 1920.4 miles, my front tire finally hits dirt/gravel on the actual CDR route south of Kalispell. It's clearly happy about that. (Don't mind the herp derp one on the bottom. There is at least one of those guys on every tire. It's best to just ignore him:

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    It takes a few miles to get your gravel "legs" back after all the pavement, but before you know it, you're hangin' your ass end out through the corners, and all is well:

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    May I suggest you camp on the west side of Seeley Lake, in Seeley Lake Campground. Quiet, scenic, and bears didn't eat me. Those were my main camping concerns. Maybe not in that order.

    [​IMG]

    Disclaimer: You may have noticed some anti-Canada sentiment in the preceding text. I'm sorry Canada. I'm just joking around. I met many of your residents on my trip, and they were all very nice. And I personally prefer the metric system. Please don't get revenge on me when I do the Trans-Lab someday.
    #16
  17. superdutyGS

    superdutyGS lone rider

    Joined:
    Aug 17, 2007
    Oddometer:
    899
    Location:
    home is N.E. Missouri
    I must me in the 6 % group. I busted up laughing at the first picture of the fat kid on the bench, then again at the first map. Keep up the good work.
    #17
  18. singletrackrider

    singletrackrider Been here awhile

    Joined:
    Aug 31, 2009
    Oddometer:
    123
    Location:
    missouri
    You forgot to take a food picture.For some stupid reason people think they have to throw those in.
    #18
  19. DSM8

    DSM8 Where fun goes to die....

    Joined:
    Aug 1, 2005
    Oddometer:
    4,504
    Location:
    Glendora, Ca
    Taken care of.

    [​IMG]
    #19
  20. Mr Head

    Mr Head PowerPoint ADV

    Joined:
    Sep 21, 2003
    Oddometer:
    9,453
    Location:
    Orange County, CA
    +1
    I'm in.:clap
    #20