By Jove, a new pirate joke

Discussion in 'Australia' started by Pickled Amnesiac, Jul 29, 2006.

  1. BergDonk

    BergDonk Old Enough to Know Better

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    My wife and I went to the Royal Agricultural Show and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said:

    'THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR '

    My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs ....Smiled and said, 'He mated 50 times last year, that's almost once a week.'

    We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said:

    ''THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR'

    My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, 'WOW~~That's almost 3 times a week ! .........You could learn a lot from him.'

    We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said:

    'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR'

    My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said, 'That's once a day ..You could REALLY learn something from this one.'

    I looked at her and said, 'Go over and ask him if it was with the same cow...'



    My condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and I should eventually make a full recovery.
    goochman, wyno, WYO George and 4 others like this.
  2. BergDonk

    BergDonk Old Enough to Know Better

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    A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10,000,000.00

    His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place.

    It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing so he would not have to testify in court.

    When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.

    The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is!"

    The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, "Where's the money?"

    Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."

    The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."

    The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says "Ask him again or I'll kill him".

    The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."

    Guido trembles and signs, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house".

    The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"

    The lawyer replies, "He says f*** you, you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."
    Kiwi Mo, ozzyal, wyno and 10 others like this.
  3. BergDonk

    BergDonk Old Enough to Know Better

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    From Genesis chapter 51. The creation of woman.......

    Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked Adam, "What is wrong with you?"
    Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to. God said he was going to give him a companion and she would be called "woman."
    God said, "This person will cook for you and wash your clothes, she will always agree with every decision you make.
    She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them.
    She will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement.
    She will never have a headache, and will freely give love and compassion whenever needed."
    Adam asked God, "What will this woman cost?"
    God said, "An arm and a leg."
    Adam said, "What can I get for just a rib?"
  4. grumpyoldbstrd

    grumpyoldbstrd Been here awhile

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    Melbourne, Australia
    A chicken and an egg were lying back in bed having an after coitus smoke.
    The chicken said - "well, I guess that answers that. What's the next question?"
  5. Big Willy

    Big Willy Gen. Italia

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    Sunshine Coast
    "Why do you cross the road?"
    SmittyBlackstone and QDogg like this.
  6. Rocking Horse

    Rocking Horse Self funded bludger

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    Somerset, Tasmania
  7. Dave Ward

    Dave Ward I don't even know where the box is.

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    Location:
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  8. Dave Ward

    Dave Ward I don't even know where the box is.

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    If you're ever disappointed with what you receive this Christmas just remember somewhere, someone is unwrapping a Carlton jumper.
    fayeslane, wyno, GMess and 1 other person like this.
  9. Reduke

    Reduke Dirt tourer

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    Gt Southern, Western Australia
    Or a Fremantle Dorkers jumper
    cameraclown likes this.
  10. GMess

    GMess Been here awhile

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    Brisbane Inner North-west
    When Tarzan swung off the last vine and landed on the tree house verandah he looked so terribly haggard that Jane immediately poured him a stiff whisky.

    When she saw how quickly he downed the first Jane poured him a second before asking why he seemed so worn out.

    Tarzan sighed and replied, "it's a jungle out there."
  11. Toejamii

    Toejamii Still Learning

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    Queensland Police report finding a man's body in the Brisbane River at New Farm following his apparent attendance at an after-party for the recent same sex marriage plebiscite.

    The dead man's name will not be released until his family has been notified. The victim apparently drowned due to excessive marijuana consumption. He was wearing black fishnet stockings, a red garter belt, a pink G-string, a strap-on dildo, purple lipstick, and a "Shorten for PM" T-shirt. He also had a cucumber in his rectum.
    The police removed the Shorten T-shirt to spare his family any unnecessary embarrassment.
    In spite of what we sometimes think, the Police do care.
  12. Toejamii

    Toejamii Still Learning

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    Reporter: "Excuse me, may I interview you?"
    Man: "Yes!"
    Reporter: "Name?"
    Man: "Abdul Al-Rhazim."
    Reporter: "Sex?"
    Man: "Three to five times a week."
    Reporter: "No no! I mean male or female?"
    Man: "Yes, male, female... sometimes camel."
    Reporter: "Holy cow!"
    Man: "Yes, cow, sheep... animals in general."
    Reporter: "But isn't that hostile?"
    Man: "Yes, horse style, dog style, any style."
    Reporter: "Oh dear!"
    Man: "No, no deer. Deer run too fast. Hard to catch
    ozzyal and SmittyBlackstone like this.
  13. Dave Ward

    Dave Ward I don't even know where the box is.

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    Today I saw a man sitting in a RAC van sobbing his heart out. I thought 'He's heading for a breakdown'.
  14. Dave Ward

    Dave Ward I don't even know where the box is.

    Joined:
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    Some Holiday reading...

    HOW TO WRITE BIG BOOKS by Warren Peace.

    I LOST MY BALANCE by Eileen Dover and Phil Down.

    THE GERMAN BANK ROBBERY by Hans Zupp.

    I HATE THE SUN by Gladys Knight.

    PRISON SECURITY by Barb Dwyer.

    "Irish Heart Surgery", by Angie O'Plasty.

    "Split Personalities", by Jacqueline Hyde.

    "On The Mitch", by Marcus Absent.

    "I Was a Cloakroom Attendant", by Mahatma Coate.

    "Mystery in the Barnyard", by Hu Flung Dung.

    "The Philippine Post Office", by Imelda Letter.

    "Come on In!", by Doris Open.

    "Cry of Innocence", by Ivan Alibi.

    "How I Won the Marathon", by Randy Holway.
  15. ozzyal

    ozzyal Been here awhile

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    You're slipping Dave , some of these are really good .
    SmittyBlackstone likes this.
  16. TenereMark

    TenereMark Where are we????????

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    Dave, you forgot:-
    TOMCAT'S REVENGE by Claude Balls.
    BABY'S REVENGE by Norah Titoff.
    AFTERTHOUGHT by Adeline Extra.
    THE WIND FROM THE SOUTH by I.C. Blast
    EMBARRASSING MOMENT by Lucy Lastic.
    Scrubmonkey likes this.
  17. Big Willy

    Big Willy Gen. Italia

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    "The Pendulum Swings" by Ivor Biggen
  18. BergDonk

    BergDonk Old Enough to Know Better

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    A Glasgow policeman spots a huge black guy dancing on the roof of a Ford car. He radios for backup.
    "What's the situation?"
    "A big fat black guy is dancing on the roof of an old Ford car."
    "You can't say that over the radio!", replies the operator, "you have to use politically correct terminology."
    "OK", he says:
    "Zulu....Tango....Sierra"
  19. Big Willy

    Big Willy Gen. Italia

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    Anyone know any other books written by this famous author? :-)
  20. Dave Ward

    Dave Ward I don't even know where the box is.

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    I wonder if he's the same bloke who used to be a famous recording artist...

    [​IMG] [​IMG]