By Jove, a new pirate joke

Discussion in 'Australia' started by Pickled Amnesiac, Jul 29, 2006.

  1. Out6ack

    Out6ack Whale Rider

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    Lake Macquarie, Newcastle.
  2. Dave Ward

    Dave Ward I don't even know where the box is.

    Joined:
    Aug 19, 2007
    Oddometer:
    8,186
    Location:
    King River, Western Australia
    THE ADULT LEARNING CENTRE FOR WOMEN

    REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED
    By Friday, January 31st, 2018

    NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL
    OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS.

    Class 1
    Up in Winter, Down in Summer - How to Adjust a Thermostat
    Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
    Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hrs beginning at 7:00 PM.

    Class 2
    Which Takes More Energy - Putting the Toilet Seat Down, or Bitching About It for 3 Hours?
    Round Table Discussion.
    Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

    Class 3
    Is It Possible To Drive Past A Shopping Centre Without Stopping?--Group Debate.
    Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

    Class 4
    Fundamental Differences Between a Handbag and a Suitcase--Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
    Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

    Class 5
    Curling Tongs--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Bathroom Cabinet?
    Examples on Video.
    Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning
    At 7:00 PM

    Class 6
    How to Ask Questions During Commercials and Be Quiet During the Programme.
    Help Line Support and Support Groups.
    Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM

    Class 7
    Can a Bath Be Taken Without 14 Different Kinds of Soaps and Shampoos?
    Open Forum.
    Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

    Class 8
    Health Watch -They Make Medicine for PMT - and How To Use It!
    Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

    Class 9
    I Was Wrong and He Was Right!--Real Life Testimonials.
    Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.

    Class 10
    How to Parallel Park In Less Than 20 Minutes Without an Insurance Claim.
    Driving Simulations.
    4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.

    Class 11
    Learning to Live - How to Apply Brakes Without Throwing Passengers Through the Windshield .
    Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined

    Class 12
    How to Shop by Yourself.
    Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

    Upon completion of ANY of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.
    Canary, wassie, wyno and 9 others like this.
  3. Rocking Horse

    Rocking Horse Self funded bludger

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    May 24, 2017
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    963
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    Somerset, Tasmania
  4. TrojanThunder

    TrojanThunder Been here awhile

    Joined:
    Jan 23, 2014
    Oddometer:
    293
    Location:
    Trentham Victoria Australia
    I had roast Toucan at a restaurant the other day, it tasted ok but the bill was enormous


    Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk
    ECKS-Man, GMess, Big Willy and 6 others like this.
  5. Dave Ward

    Dave Ward I don't even know where the box is.

    Joined:
    Aug 19, 2007
    Oddometer:
    8,186
    Location:
    King River, Western Australia
    It's 363 days till Christmas and already people have their lights up.

    Unbelievable.
  6. Rocking Horse

    Rocking Horse Self funded bludger

    Joined:
    May 24, 2017
    Oddometer:
    963
    Location:
    Somerset, Tasmania
  7. Rocking Horse

    Rocking Horse Self funded bludger

    Joined:
    May 24, 2017
    Oddometer:
    963
    Location:
    Somerset, Tasmania
    A British couple decided to adopt a German baby. They raised him for years, however they began to get worried because he never spoke, and they believed that he was mentally handicapped, going as far as to take him to therapy, which was fruitless. Then, when the child was 8 years old, he had a Strudle, and said "This strudle is a little tepid."

    His parents, of course shocked that he was suddenly speaking, asked: "Wolfgang, why have you never spoken before?", to which the child replied: "Up until now, everything had been quite satisfactory."
  8. Dave Ward

    Dave Ward I don't even know where the box is.

    Joined:
    Aug 19, 2007
    Oddometer:
    8,186
    Location:
    King River, Western Australia
    My girlfriend said she slept with 5 people before we met.

    I wouldn’t mind but I was only 20 minutes late.
  9. Dave Ward

    Dave Ward I don't even know where the box is.

    Joined:
    Aug 19, 2007
    Oddometer:
    8,186
    Location:
    King River, Western Australia
    A Collingwood supporter rushed into a barber's shop with a pig under his arm.

    "Where did you get that?" asked the barber.

    "I won him in a raffle," said the pig.
  10. Dave Ward

    Dave Ward I don't even know where the box is.

    Joined:
    Aug 19, 2007
    Oddometer:
    8,186
    Location:
    King River, Western Australia
    Thursday night I gradually woke up stiff as a plank in hospital's ICU, tubes up my nose & down my throat, wires monitoring every function & all around my head, hell of a pain over my left ear, and a gorgeous nurse hovering over me.

    It was obvious I'd been in a serious accident.

    She looked deep & steady and I heard her slowly say, "You may not feel anything from the waist down."

    I managed to mumble in reply, "Can I feel your tits, then?"
    bigdag, GMess, pratered and 6 others like this.
  11. PhiSig1071

    PhiSig1071 What's ******width?

    Joined:
    Apr 9, 2008
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    Location:
    St. Thomas USVI
    Did you hear the joke about wrapping paper?









    It's tearable.
    SmittyBlackstone and Mouse like this.
  12. badmanners

    badmanners Umm, yeah, no.

    Joined:
    Nov 28, 2008
    Oddometer:
    809
    Location:
    Sydney, Australia
    How many forum members does it take to change a spark plug?

    1 to change the spark plug and to post that spark plug has been changed.

    14 to share similar experiences of changing spark plugs and how the spark plug could have been changed differently.

    7 to caution about the dangers of changing spark plugs.

    27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing spark plugs.

    15 know-it-all’s who claim *they* were in the industry, and that "spark plug" is an electrical device threaded into the cylinder of an internal-combustion engine to ignite the fuel mixture by producing timed sparks between electrodes.

    2 to post that this group is not about spark plugs and to please take this discussion to a spark plug group.

    27 to defend the posting to this group saying that we all use spark plugs and therefore the posts *are* relevant to this group.

    16 to debate which method of changing spark plugs is superior, where to buy the best spark plugs, what brand of spark plugs work best for this technique, and what brands are faulty.

    2 to post URL's where one can see examples of different spark plugs.

    12 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the spark plug controversy.

    4 to suggest that posters request the spark plugs FAQ.

    16 to post "F".

    44 to ask what is an "F"?

    4 to say "Didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"

    3 to say "Do a Google search on spark plugs before posting questions about spark plugs".

    1 Lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again....

    Cheers, badmanners.
    Sideroadrod, dmason, fjer and 29 others like this.
  13. Rocking Horse

    Rocking Horse Self funded bludger

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    May 24, 2017
    Oddometer:
    963
    Location:
    Somerset, Tasmania
  14. Rocking Horse

    Rocking Horse Self funded bludger

    Joined:
    May 24, 2017
    Oddometer:
    963
    Location:
    Somerset, Tasmania
  15. darren70

    darren70 Loud pipes matter

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    Sep 11, 2013
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    Location:
    Hunter Valley
    Wish i could like posts more than once
  16. Rocking Horse

    Rocking Horse Self funded bludger

    Joined:
    May 24, 2017
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    963
    Location:
    Somerset, Tasmania
    Give it 6 months...
  17. Oldfatbeerman

    Oldfatbeerman Enroute to a PUB

    Joined:
    Dec 26, 2006
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    6,383
    Location:
    Lake Macquarie , NSW, Australia




    I've liked that "Joke" 6 times now , 5 different face book pages and once here . See what you're missing out on by boycotting Face book Daz :D .
  18. darren70

    darren70 Loud pipes matter

    Joined:
    Sep 11, 2013
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    3,791
    Location:
    Hunter Valley
    Maybe in 2018 i might set up a Myspace page :lol2
    Mouse likes this.
  19. Dave Ward

    Dave Ward I don't even know where the box is.

    Joined:
    Aug 19, 2007
    Oddometer:
    8,186
    Location:
    King River, Western Australia
    If you buy stuff on line, check out the seller carefully.

    Be careful what you purchase on eBay.

    A friend has just spent $250 on a penis enlarger.

    Bastards sent him a magnifying glass.

    The only instructions said, "Do not use in the sunlight."
  20. BergDonk

    BergDonk Old Enough to Know Better

    Joined:
    Nov 15, 2010
    Oddometer:
    15,214
    Location:
    Snowy Mountains Oz
    HOW THE INTERNET STARTED, ACCORDING TO THE BIBLE

    Please do not Google or check this with Snopes. They will lie to you. Trust me! This is the truth, my computer guy from India assured me.

    In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a healthy young wife by the name of Dorothy. And Dot Com was a comely woman, large of breast, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.

    And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?"

    And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?"

    And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best price. The sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."

    Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success.. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent.

    To prevent neighbouring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew. It was known as Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures - Hebrew to the People (HTTP).

    And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS. And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land. Indeed he did insist on drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates' drum heads and drumsticks.

    And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others." And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or eBay as it came to be known. He said, "We need a name that reflects what we are."

    And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators." "YAHOO," said Abraham. And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.

    Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot's drums to locate things around the countryside.

    It soon became known as God's Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE).

    That is how it all began.

    And that's the truth, I would not make up this stuff, or perhaps I would if I could......
    MaNDan, gavo, ajs18s and 8 others like this.