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By Jove, a new pirate joke

Discussion in 'Australia' started by Pickled Amnesiac, Jul 29, 2006.

  1. Andrew2

    Andrew2 Long timer

    Joined:
    Aug 3, 2005
    Oddometer:
    7,196
    Location:
    Wollongong,N.S.W.
    No see Steve
  2. Dave Ward

    Dave Ward Long timer

    Joined:
    Aug 19, 2007
    Oddometer:
    4,713
    Location:
    King River, Western Australia
    image.jpg
    SmittyBlackstone and Sfcootz like this.
  3. BergDonk

    BergDonk Old Enough to Know Better

    Joined:
    Nov 15, 2010
    Oddometer:
    8,845
    Location:
    Snowy Mountains Oz
  4. Dave Ward

    Dave Ward Long timer

    Joined:
    Aug 19, 2007
    Oddometer:
    4,713
    Location:
    King River, Western Australia
  5. Andrew2

    Andrew2 Long timer

    Joined:
    Aug 3, 2005
    Oddometer:
    7,196
    Location:
    Wollongong,N.S.W.
  6. BergDonk

    BergDonk Old Enough to Know Better

    Joined:
    Nov 15, 2010
    Oddometer:
    8,845
    Location:
    Snowy Mountains Oz
    Two blokes living in the Australian outback saw a couple of jobs advertised by the Queen of England. She was looking for footmen, to walk beside her carriage.

    They applied and were very happy to be flown to London for an interview with Her Majesty.

    She says to them: “Because my footmen must wear long white stockings, I must see your ankles to be sure they are not swollen or misshapen."

    After they show her their ankles, the Queen says: “It is also important that you don’t have knobby knees, so I need to see your knees too.”

    Once she has seen their knees, she says: “Now everything appears to be in shape, so I just need to see your testimonials.”

    Nine years later they were released from prison.
  7. Dave Ward

    Dave Ward Long timer

    Joined:
    Aug 19, 2007
    Oddometer:
    4,713
    Location:
    King River, Western Australia
    A fireman runs into an office holding a screwdriver and shouts ''Quick, everyone get out. This is not a drill.''
  8. Sfcootz

    Sfcootz Proud to be a 0.6106142755%er Super Moderator

    Joined:
    Jun 21, 2013
    Oddometer:
    16,641
    Location:
    San Francisco
    What did the grape do when he got stepped on?
    He let out a little wine.

    Where do you learn to make ice cream?
    Sunday school .


    If you see a robbery at an Apple store does that make you an iWitness?
  9. BergDonk

    BergDonk Old Enough to Know Better

    Joined:
    Nov 15, 2010
    Oddometer:
    8,845
    Location:
    Snowy Mountains Oz
    An Irishman was drinking in a bar in London when he gets a call on his phone. He orders drinks for everybody in the bar as he announces his wife has just produced a typical Irish baby boy weighing 25 pounds.

    Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the man just shrugs, "That's about average up our way, folks... like I said my boy's a typical County Clare baby boy."

    Two weeks later the man returns to the bar. The bartender says, "Say, aren't you the father of that typical Irish baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth? Everybody's been making bets about how big he'd be in two weeks... so how much does he weigh now?

    The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds."

    The bartender is puzzled and concerned. "What happened? You said he was 25 pounds the day he was born.”

    The father takes a slow swig of his Jameson Irish Whiskey, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says, "Had him circumcised."
  10. BergDonk

    BergDonk Old Enough to Know Better

    Joined:
    Nov 15, 2010
    Oddometer:
    8,845
    Location:
    Snowy Mountains Oz
    A poem:

    Just a line to say I'm living
    that I'm not among the dead,
    Though I'm getting more forgetful
    and mixed up in my head.

    I got used to my arthritis
    to my dentures I'm resigned,
    I can manage my bifocals
    but God, I miss my mind.

    For sometimes I can't remember
    when I stand at the foot of the stairs,
    If I must go up for something
    or have I just come down from there?

    And before the fridge so often
    my poor mind is filled with doubt,
    Have I just put food away, or
    have I come to take some out?

    And there's a time when it is dark
    with my nightcap on my head,
    I don't know if I'm retiring, or
    just getting out of bed.


    So, if it's my turn to write you
    there's no need for getting sore,
    I may think I have written
    and don't want to be a bore.

    So, remember that I love you
    and wish that you were near,
    But now it's nearly mail time
    So I must say goodbye, dear.

    There I stand beside the mail box
    with a face so very red,
    Instead of mailing you my letter
    I opened it instead.
  11. tag3

    tag3 Doofus

    Joined:
    Jan 17, 2014
    Oddometer:
    9,545
    Location:
    Inland from the coast of Santa Cruz and Trona.
    Cootzie sent me here.
    Pete and Repete were sitting in a boat. Pete fell out, who was left?
    SmittyBlackstone and Mouse like this.
  12. Dave Ward

    Dave Ward Long timer

    Joined:
    Aug 19, 2007
    Oddometer:
    4,713
    Location:
    King River, Western Australia
    A guy walks into a jewellery store and stands in the middle of the shop floor. Suddenly, he puts his hand down the back of his pants and starts to furiously scratch his arse crack.

    The shop assistant rushes over to him "Excuse me! You're causing a scene, could you stop it please!"

    The guy says "Oh, I'm just following what your sign outside says"

    Shop assistant "What sign??!!"

    "The one on the door - COME IN AND PICK YOUR RING IN COMFORT"
  13. Rocking Horse

    Rocking Horse Self funded bludger

    Joined:
    May 24, 2017
    Oddometer:
    374
    Location:
    Somerset, Tasmania
    [​IMG]
    Angry Pete and Dynamick like this.
  14. diabolik37

    diabolik37 Deadly Gubba

    Joined:
    Jan 15, 2008
    Oddometer:
    2,554
    Location:
    Down Under QLD
    And you thought she was your friend...:lol3
    Sfcootz likes this.
  15. BergDonk

    BergDonk Old Enough to Know Better

    Joined:
    Nov 15, 2010
    Oddometer:
    8,845
    Location:
    Snowy Mountains Oz
    MeToo, Men strike back!

    How many men does it take to open a beer?
    None. It should be opened when she brings it.
    -----------------------------------------------------------------
    Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
    Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
    --------------------------------------------------------------------
    Why do women have smaller feet than men?
    It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows
    Them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
    -------------------------------------------------------------------
    How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
    When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..."
    ------------------------------------------------------------------
    How do you fix a woman's watch?
    You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
    -------------------------------------------------------------------
    Why do men pass gas more than women?
    Because women can't shut up long enough to
    Build up the required pressure.
    ------------------------------------------------------------------
    If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
    The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
    -------------------------------------------------------------------
    What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
    A woman who won't do what she's told
    -------------------------------------------------------------------
    I married a Miss Right.
    I just didn't know her first name was Always.
    -------------------------------------------------------------------
    Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
    It's called a Wedding Cake.
    ------------------------------------------------------------------
    Why do men die before their wives?
    They want to.
    ------------------------------------------------------------------
    Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
    ------------------------------------------------------------------
    In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
    Then God created Man and rested.
    Then God created Woman.
    Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
    ------------------------------------------------------------------

    upload_2018-10-5_14-26-49.png
    bigdag, ozzyal, Andrew2 and 3 others like this.
  16. twotyred

    twotyred Practising Recedivist

    Joined:
    Feb 9, 2006
    Oddometer:
    3,863
    Location:
    Bruthen Victoria
  17. Simosez

    Simosez go ride your bike.

    Joined:
    Oct 13, 2010
    Oddometer:
    1,238
    Location:
    eternally sunny lithgow
    I must be a bit thick at the moment but I don't get it.
    Please explain?
    barko1, Wodger63 and Mouse like this.
  18. BradventureRider

    BradventureRider Power to rip yer bloody arms off!!!

    Joined:
    May 8, 2015
    Oddometer:
    382
    Location:
    A little bit North West of Toowoomba
    Think of “This little piggie went to market”
  19. Dynamick

    Dynamick Can not juggle...

    Joined:
    Jul 17, 2007
    Oddometer:
    7,505
    Location:
    Lutherville-Timonium, MD
    This little piggy went to market, This little piggy stayed home, This little piggy had roast beef, This little piggy had none. And this little piggy cried "wee wee wee" all the way home.
    SmittyBlackstone, Mouse and Simosez like this.
  20. Dave Ward

    Dave Ward Long timer

    Joined:
    Aug 19, 2007
    Oddometer:
    4,713
    Location:
    King River, Western Australia
    How do you know when you are getting old?

    When you start having dry dreams and wet farts.
    SmittyBlackstone likes this.