By Jove, a new pirate joke

Discussion in 'Australia' started by Pickled Amnesiac, Jul 29, 2006.

  1. Dave Ward

    Dave Ward Long timer

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    A bloke gets home from the pub one night and his wife said, "I can't believe how intoxicated you are."

    Denying it he said, "I'm not drunk." She said, "Yes you are."

    He said, "No I'm bloody not."

    She said, "Can you tell the time?"

    So he walked up to the clock and said, "I'm not bloody drunk."
  2. Bluetonguejak

    Bluetonguejak Pretend racer

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    FB_IMG_1538744002145.jpg
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  3. Rocking Horse

    Rocking Horse Self funded bludger

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  4. Toejamii

    Toejamii Still Learning

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    The Frank Feldman story:

    A man walks out to the street and immediately catches a taxi going by. He gets into the taxi and the cabbie says. 'Perfect timing. You're just like Frank.

    'Passenger: 'Who?'

    Cabbie: 'Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right, all the time.
    Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman, every single time.

    'Passenger: 'There are always a few clouds over everybody.

    'Cabbie: 'Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won Grand-Slam in tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera
    baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.

    'Passenger: 'Sounds like he was something really special.

    Cabbie: 'There's more. He had a memory like a computer.He remembered everybody's birthday.He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with.He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right

    'Passenger: 'Wow, some guy then.

    'Cabbie: 'He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back, even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.

    'Passenger: 'What an amazing fellow! How did you meet him?

    'Cabbie: 'Well, I never actually met Frank. He died and I married his f...ing widow.'
    Dakar Dan, diabolik37, fjer and 16 others like this.
  5. Sfcootz

    Sfcootz Proud to be a 0.6106142755%er Super Moderator

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    Want to hear a joke about paper?
    Nevermind it's tearable.

    Why did the scarecrow win an award?
    Because he was outstanding in his field.

    What do you call a fat psychic?
    A four-chin teller. (I resemble that remark)
    Wodger63, nevgriff64, Mouse and 4 others like this.
  6. BygDaddee

    BygDaddee Where do I get a pie

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    They said I’d be no good at poetry because of my dyslexia, but so far I’v made 3 pots and a vase and going well
  7. Sfcootz

    Sfcootz Proud to be a 0.6106142755%er Super Moderator

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    I saw this down in the basement. It's awful so of course I must share it with you blokes. srFcBdU.jpg
  8. Dave Ward

    Dave Ward Long timer

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    Patrick O'Malley hoisted his beer and said: "Here's to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!" - and he took home the top prize for the best toast of the night.

    In bed later that night, he told his wife: "Mary, I won the prize for the best toast of the night." She said, "Aye, Paddy, what was your toast?"

    So he told her: "Here's to spending the rest of me life sitting in church beside me wife."

    "Oh," she said, "that is very nice, dear."

    The next day, Mary ran into one of Paddy's drinking partners in the street. Mischievously, the man said: "Did you hear about your husband winning a prize in the pub the other night for a toast about you, Mary?"

    She replied: "Aye - and I was a bit surprised. Till now, he's only been down there twice. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come".
  9. Happy Snapper

    Happy Snapper GOMOB.

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    Well fuck me.. I still don't get it!
  10. Sfcootz

    Sfcootz Proud to be a 0.6106142755%er Super Moderator

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    @Happy Snapper It's the middle toe doing the ordering. Arby's is a US chain restaurant that specializes in roast beef sandwiches, you can see the logo on the window behind the foot. (Arby's is horribly disgusting. I had one once. Never again. Ever.)
  11. Rocking Horse

    Rocking Horse Self funded bludger

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    My bad - and slow.

    Third little piggy has a face drawn on the toe nail. That's the one doing the ordering. Goes to a shop and orders the usual which happens to be roast beef.
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  12. tag3

    tag3 Doofus

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    Reminds me of my ex wife.
  13. Sfcootz

    Sfcootz Proud to be a 0.6106142755%er Super Moderator

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    We won't need pics, thanks.
  14. braaap!

    braaap! Long timer Supporter

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    I once had dinner with a King...
    But he did quite a weird thing...
    He sat on a stool, pulled out his tool... And said, ‘If I play, will you sing?’

    205?
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  15. BergDonk

    BergDonk Old Enough to Know Better

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    MURPHY'S OTHER 15 LAWS

    1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

    2. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

    3. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

    4. A day without sunshine is like, well, night.

    5. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

    6. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

    7. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

    8. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

    9. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end-to-end, someone from California would be stupid enough to try to pass them.

    10. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

    11. The things that come to those who wait, may be the things left by those who got there first.

    12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.

    13. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.

    14 . God gave you toes as a device for finding furniture in the dark.

    15. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of twelve people, who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
    Mickalmus, numbat, Mouse and 7 others like this.
  16. BergDonk

    BergDonk Old Enough to Know Better

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    A LOVING HUSBAND... Thinking back a few years, living in FNQ I remember Cyclone Matthew. I was ready for it but my wife was not.

    When the wind reached a screaming pitch with the trees snapping and threshing, the horizontal streaming rain, flying roofing iron and destroyed fences as well as the unnerving sound-levels, my wife was rooted to the spot.

    She stared and stared through the glass of the window. Immovable,with her nose pressed to the windowpane, the stark fear in her eyes will stay with me forever.

    Fortunately, as the eye of the storm arrived and the winds temporarily lessened, I was able to open the door and let her in.
  17. BergDonk

    BergDonk Old Enough to Know Better

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    An elderly gentleman went to the local chemist and asked the pharmacist for the little blue "Viagra" pill.

    The pharmacist asked, "How many?"

    The man replied, "Just a few, maybe a half dozen. I cut each one into four pieces.”

    The pharmacist said, "That's too small a dose. That won't get you through intimacy."

    The old fellow said, "Oh, I'm over eighty years old and I don't even think about intimacy much anymore.

    I just want it to stick out far enough so I don't piss on my new golf shoes."
  18. RustyAs

    RustyAs Adventurer

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    Ahhhhhh no
    That is a joke
    Urine ain't sterile

    Sent from my SM-G965F using Tapatalk
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  19. Dave Ward

    Dave Ward Long timer

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    Why is there no TV in regional Afghanistan?

    Because of the Tellyban...
  20. Dave Ward

    Dave Ward Long timer

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    A kid gave his teacher a blank piece of paper.

    Teacher: What's this?

    Kid: It's a drawing of a cow eating grass.

    Teacher: (looked at the paper) Where's the grass?

    Kid: The cow ate all of it.

    Teacher:...(looked at the paper again)...Then, where's the cow?

    Kid: It left because there was no more grass