By Jove, a new pirate joke

Discussion in 'Australia' started by Pickled Amnesiac, Jul 29, 2006.

  1. WYO George

    WYO George Epstein didn’t kill himself

    Joined:
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    left of nowhere, WY
    A horse walks into a bar and orders a double whisky.

    The bar mans says “you are in here pretty often, do you think you may be an alcoholic?

    The horse replies “I don’t think I am"- and completely vanishes from existence.

    See, the joke is about the philosopher Descartes, who said “I think, therefor I am”

    But, to explain that part before the rest of the joke, would be putting Descartes before the horse.
  2. AusTMan

    AusTMan apprentice old fart

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    NSW AUS
  3. Rocking Horse

    Rocking Horse Self funded bludger

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  4. sages

    sages Been here awhile

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    Perth, West Australia
    Classic. I wonder if you could sneak open the box and put a 11mm socket in it instead of the 10mm. Then give it to one of your mates.
    BergDonk, bigdag, Night_Wolf and 3 others like this.
  5. TenereMark

    TenereMark Where are we????????

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    I thought she was into studs...with gloves.
    Night_Wolf and DeepBarney like this.
  6. Rocking Horse

    Rocking Horse Self funded bludger

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    Yeah - better be careful with those sorts of comments before the whip comes out.
    tomo8r and Sfcootz like this.
  7. tomo8r

    tomo8r Long timer

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    Make that three times.
  8. Wodger63

    Wodger63 Long timer

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    Hervey Bay
    A man wakes up in a hospital, bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the motorway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, however, your penis was severed in the accident and the paramedics couldn't find it.” The man groans, but the doctor goes on… "You do have £9,000 in insurance compensation coming though, and we now have the technology to build a new penis. They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly £1,000 an inch. The man perks up. So, the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want. But understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now, she might be a bit uncomfortable. If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed." The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?” "Yes I have," says the man. "And has she helped you make a decision?” "Yes," says the man. "What is your decision?" asks the doctor. "We're getting a new kitchen''
    Ducatijim, Sfcootz, Andrew2 and 8 others like this.
  9. Happy Snapper

    Happy Snapper GOMOB.

    Joined:
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    Location:
    Brisbane, almost heaven!
    A man wakes up in a hospital, bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the motorway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, however, your penis was severed in the accident and the paramedics couldn't find it.” The man groans, but the doctor goes on… "You do have £9,000 in insurance compensation and an elephant has died at the circus.. so we bought the body and transplanted the elephant's trunk onto you to use as a penis.

    Guy lifts the sheets and has a look.. "Wow! What a beauty Doc!"

    He comes back for a check up about 3 months later...

    Doctor asks him "How is it going."

    "Well.. my wife really loves it. Really loves it!!!"

    "That's great to hear," says the Doctor.

    "But... when we go out for a high tea at the local cafe.. the bloody thing comes out of my pants and picks up the cream buns off the table in the cafe."

    The Doctor wisely nods his head..... "Yes, well it was a trained circus elephant!"

    And the guys says...... "But Doctor.... you should see where it tries to put the cream buns!"
  10. Wodger63

    Wodger63 Long timer

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    My Grandad tragically passed away only 3 months after my Grandmother. They had been married for 60 years and were never apart.

    Myself and my family presumed he'd died of a broken heart.

    It wasn't though, turned out he couldn't cook.
    twotyred, Sfcootz, rvt and 6 others like this.
  11. Redback

    Redback Average aussie bloke

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    Location:
    Helensburgh NSW Australia
    Guy goes to the RSL for dinner walks in and the guy at the desk says sorry you need a tie to get in; Oh OK so he goes back to his car and can only find jumper leads, go back in and says to the bloke this alright, bloke say OK I'll let you in this time,

    "but don't start anything!!"
    Sfcootz, bungen, Wodger63 and 3 others like this.
  12. Wodger63

    Wodger63 Long timer

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  13. Precis

    Precis Maladroit malcontent

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    Location:
    Body's back home, but soul is in Central America
    On their way to the church to get married, a young Catholic couple were involved in a fatal car accident.
    Being good Catholics the young couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven

    While waiting, they begin to wonder: could they possibly get married in Heaven?
    When St. Peter finally showed up, they asked him.
    St Peter said "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out" and he leaves them sitting at the Gate.

    After three months, St Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informs the couple " I can get you married in Heaven".
    "Great!" said the couple "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"

    "You must be bloody joking," says St. Peter, red-faced with frustration, slamming his clipboard on the ground.
    "What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.
    "OH, COME ON!" St. Peter shouted. "It took me three months to find a priest up here.....Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?"
  14. Precis

    Precis Maladroit malcontent

    Joined:
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    Location:
    Body's back home, but soul is in Central America
    A duke was hunting in the forest with his men-at-arms and servants; he came across a tree.
    Upon it, archery targets were painted and smack in the middle of each was an arrow.
    'Who is this incredibly fine archer?' cried the duke.' I must find him!'
    After continuing through the forest for a few miles he came across a small boy carrying a bow and arrow.
    Eventually, the boy admitted that it was he who shot the arrows plumb in the centre of all the targets.
    'You didn't just walk up to the targets and hammer the arrows into the middle, did you?' asked the duke worriedly.
    'No my lord. I shot them from a hundred paces. I swear it by all that I hold holy.'
    'That is truly astonishing,' said the duke. 'I hereby admit you into my service.'
    The boy thanked him profusely.
    'But I must ask one favour in return,' the duke continued. 'You must tell me how you came to be such an outstanding shot.'
    'Well,' said the boy, 'first I fire the arrow at the tree, and then I paint the target around it.'
  15. Precis

    Precis Maladroit malcontent

    Joined:
    Oct 13, 2009
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    Location:
    Body's back home, but soul is in Central America
    Three couples got married and spent their honeymoons at the same hotel, where they were all attended to by Jeff the Bellboy.
    The first man married a nurse.
    Jeff showed them to their room, all the while thinking to himself, "Lucky guy! Nurses are known to be hot to trot."
    The second man married a telephone operator.
    Jeff showed them to their room while thinking to himself, "Wow, he's one lucky dude. Telephone operators have such sexy voices and once you pop that top button... Va-voom."
    The third man married a school teacher.
    Jeff showed them to their room and thought to himself, "Poor sap. She may be pretty, but teachers are way too frigid."
    At 5:30 the following morning, Jeff reported to work. He expected the teacher's husband to call for breakfast any minute but was sure the other two wouldn't call until much later in the day.
    The phone rang at 6 a.m. and it was the nurse's husband wanting breakfast. Jeff took breakfast up to the room and when the husband opened the door, Jeff stepped back in shock. The man's pyjamas were still pressed and his hair nicely combed.
    "Sir, what happened?" asked Jeff. "You married a nurse."
    "Son, don't ever marry a nurse," the man sourly replied. "All I heard last night was, 'You're not sanitary'."
    The phone rang again at 6:30 a.m. and this time it was the telephone operator's husband calling for breakfast. Jeff took it to the room as quickly as possible. When the man opened the door, Jeff stepped back in shock. The man's hair was neatly combed and his pyjamas nicely pressed.
    "What happened?" Jeff asked with surprise. "Telephone operators as supposed to be as sexy as their voices."
    "Son, don't ever marry a telephone operator," the man groaned. "All I heard last night was, 'Your three minutes are up, your three minutes are up'."
    Jeff returned to his desk, sure that the teacher's husband would be calling at any moment.
    Finally, at 4 p.m., the teacher's husband called for breakfast.
    Jeff couldn't believe it but quickly took the breakfast to the couple's room. When the man opened the door, Jeff stepped back in shock. The man was wearing only a pair of boxers, his hair was a mess, and there were scratches all over his chest, arms and legs.
    "My goodness sir, what happened to you?" Jeff asked, fearing the worst. "Did you have a fight?"
    The man, grinning from ear to ear, happily replied, "No. Son, when you marry be sure it's to a school teacher. All I heard last night was her sexy, smooth voice saying, 'We're going to do this over, and over, and over again until we get it right'."
    Sfcootz, tomo8r, Night_Wolf and 2 others like this.
  16. Precis

    Precis Maladroit malcontent

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    Location:
    Body's back home, but soul is in Central America
    A penguin walks into a bar and sits down. To the amazement of all concerned, he orders a beer. The bartender tries to strike up a conversation and says: “So, what brings you to town?” The penguin sips his beer and replies: “I’m working on the building site down the road.”
    Later that week the circus sets up a tent across the road from the bar and pretty soon the crew comes in for a drink. “You’ll be amazed at the penguin we have here in town now,” the bartender tells the circus manager. “He waddles in here, easy as you like, and downs a few. Can talk too.”
    “Ask him to come to see me if he comes round again,” says the circus manager. “We could use a penguin like that.”
    The very next morning the penguin is back. As he puts the beer in front of him the bartender says: “You should have a word with the manager of the circus across the road, he might have a job for you.”
    Perplexed, the penguin says: “What would he want with a brickie?”
    Sfcootz, Big Willy, rvt and 3 others like this.
  17. Rocking Horse

    Rocking Horse Self funded bludger

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    Somerset, Tasmania
    The devout zookeeper lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out at the zoo.
    Three weeks later, a penguin walked up to him carrying the Bible in its beak. The zookeeper couldn't believe his eyes.
    He took the precious book out of the penguin's beak, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, "It's a miracle!"
    "Not really," said the penguin. "Your name is written inside the cover."
  18. Rocking Horse

    Rocking Horse Self funded bludger

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    Location:
    Somerset, Tasmania
    Another oldie...

    A penguin is driving along one day and his car starts making this really strange sound. So, he pulls into the first gas station he sees, jumps out of his car, runs up to the mechanic and says:
    "I need for someone to look at my car! There's something wrong with it!" The mechanic looks at him and says "Well I can do that but you'll have to wait about 20 minutes or so."
    The penguin looks across the street and notices an ice cream shop! (Penguins just LOVE Ice cream.) So he says "OK I'll be back." He tosses him his keys runs across the street and has a big ol' bowl of ice cream.
    He comes back, looks at the mechanic and says "Did you figure out what's wrong with my car?" "Well" replies the mechanic "looks like you blew a seal." The penguin quickly wipes off his face and says "OH NO, that's just ice cream!"
    AlH, Sfcootz, darren70 and 5 others like this.
  19. Redback

    Redback Average aussie bloke

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    1,553
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    Helensburgh NSW Australia
    I took my 7 year old daughter to the office today for "Take your kids to work day".


    As we walked around the office she started crying, so I asked her what was wrong.


    As all my colleagues gathered around, she sobbed, "But Daddy, where are all the clowns you said you worked with?".
    Dave Ward, Sfcootz, rvt and 4 others like this.
  20. Outback Rambler

    Outback Rambler Adventurer

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    Apr 8, 2013
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    Narooma, NSW