By Jove, a new pirate joke

Discussion in 'Australia' started by Pickled Amnesiac, Jul 29, 2006.

  1. BergDonk

    BergDonk Old Enough to Know Better

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    Some Truths about Growing Old:

    # - Talk to yourself, because there are times you need expert advice.

    # - Consider "In Style" to be the clothes that still fit.

    # - You don't need anger management. You need people to stop pissing you off.

    # - Your people skills are just fine. It's your tolerance for idiots that needs work.

    # - The biggest lie you tell yourself is, "I don't need to write that down. I'll remember it."

    # - You have days when your life is just a tent away from a circus.

    # - These days, "on time" is when you get there.

    # - Lately, You've noticed people your age are so much older than you.

    # - "Getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering why you're there.

    # - When you were a child, you thought nap time was punishment. Now it feels like a mini vacation.

    # - Some days you have no idea what you're doing out of bed.

    # - You thought growing old would take longer.

    # - Aging sure has slowed you down, but it hasn't shut you up.

    # - You still haven't learned to act your age.
  2. Andrew2

    Andrew2 Long timer

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    It worries me how many of those I relate to:cry.

    It worries me that I can't remember a single one of them without re-reading them again as well:shog
  3. BygDaddee

    BygDaddee Where do I get a pie

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    I don’t normally read the long jokes, that one was worth it :razor
  4. Redback

    Redback Average aussie bloke

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    Remember we're going away Friday so don't forget to pack your bike, OK:-)
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  5. Andrew2

    Andrew2 Long timer

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    This Friday....like tomorrow Friday ?:shog. I had better start packing. Where are we going again:dunno
  6. Redback

    Redback Average aussie bloke

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    Ask Ness I got no idea, that's a blind deer!!
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  7. BergDonk

    BergDonk Old Enough to Know Better

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    I wasn't sure where to post this stuff, as it's not really a joke, anyhooo...
    SmittyBlackstone and Andrew2 like this.
  8. BergDonk

    BergDonk Old Enough to Know Better

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    Ole and Sven were fishing one day when Sven pulled out a cigar. Finding he had no matches, he asked Ole for a light.
    'Ya, shure, I haff a lighter,' he replied, and then, reaching into his tackle box, he pulled out a Bic lighter 10 inches long.
    'Yiminy Cricket!' exclaimed Sven, taking the huge Bic lighter in his hands. 'Vere dit yew git dat monster??'
    'Vell,' replied Ole, 'I got it from my Genie.'
    'You haff a Genie?' Sven asked..
    'Ya, shure. It's right here in my tackle box,' says Ole.
    'Could I see him?'
    Ole opens his tackle box and sure enough, out pops the Genie.
    Addressing the genie, Sven says, 'Hey dere! I'm a good friend of your master. Vill you grant me vun vish?
    'Yes, I will,' says the Genie.
    So Sven asks the Genie for a million buck
    The Genie disappears back into the tackle box leaving Sven sitting there waiting for his million bucks.
    Shortly, the sky darkens and is filled with the sound of a million ducks... flying directly overhead...
    Over the roar of the million ducks, Sven yells at Ole, 'Yumpin' Yimminy, I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!'
    Ole answers, 'Ya, I forgot to tell yew dat da Genie is hart of hearing. Do yew really tink I asked for a 10-inch Bic?"
    Ducatijim, DARK-SIDE, bungen and 12 others like this.
  9. BergDonk

    BergDonk Old Enough to Know Better

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    Nun Out of Petrol

    Sister Mary Ann, who worked for a home health agency, was out making her rounds visiting home bound patients when she ran out of petrol.

    As luck would have it, a servo was just a block away.

    She walked to the servo to borrow a can and buy some petrol.

    The attendant told her that their only can had been loaned out, but she could wait until it was returned.

    However, Sister Mary Ann was on the way to see a patient, so she decided not to wait... and walked back to her car.

    She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient!

    Always resourceful, Sister Mary Ann carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with petrol, and carried the full bedpan back to her car.

    As she was pouring the petrol into her fuel tank, two Protestants watched from across the street.

    One of them turned to the other and said, If it starts , I'm turning Catholic.'
    51%, DeepBarney and jemo_7 like this.
  10. Wodger63

    Wodger63 Long timer

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  11. MultiDV8

    MultiDV8 Been here awhile

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    A train hits a bus load of Catholic school girls and they all die. They all arrive at heaven wanting to enter the pearly gates.
    St. Peter asks the first girl, "Mary, have you ever had any contact with a penis?
    She giggles and shyly replies, "Well I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger.
    St. Peter says, "Well, dip the tip of your finger in The Holy Water and pass through the gate."

    St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, "Jennifer have you ever had any contact with a penis?
    The girl is a little reluctant but replies, "Well once I fondled and stroked one."
    St. Peter says, "Then dip your whole hand in The Holy Water and pass through the gate."

    All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls, one girl is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front of the line St. Peter says, "Lisa! What seems to be the rush?"

    The girl replies, "If I'm going to have to gargle with that Holy Water, I want to do it before Tiffany sticks her arse in it"..
    Ducatijim, bungen, yamty175 and 13 others like this.
  12. SmittyBlackstone

    SmittyBlackstone Been here awhile

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    That sir, is no joke, it is a reality
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  13. Wodger63

    Wodger63 Long timer

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  14. BygDaddee

    BygDaddee Where do I get a pie

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    I have a horse named Mayo

    Mayo neighs
  15. richo360

    richo360 Long timer

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    Meet a nice girl called Kate online the other day.
    Took me a while to realise her first name was Forna.
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  16. Big Willy

    Big Willy Gen. Italia

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  17. 1911fan

    1911fan Master of the Obvious Supporter

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    Schubert had a horse named Sarah,
    He took her to the big parade.
    But all the time the band was playing,
    Schubert's Sarah neighed.
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  18. bikeroz

    bikeroz Long timer

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    We call Australia home

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  19. BygDaddee

    BygDaddee Where do I get a pie

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    I saw an add for a coffin and thought

    Thats the last thing I need
  20. BygDaddee

    BygDaddee Where do I get a pie

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    I struggle with Roman Numerals until i get to 159, the it just CLIX
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