By Jove, a new pirate joke

Discussion in 'Australia' started by Pickled Amnesiac, Jul 29, 2006.

  1. Wodger63

    Wodger63 Long timer

    Joined:
    Oct 30, 2011
    Oddometer:
    3,138
    Location:
    Hervey Bay
  2. Wodger63

    Wodger63 Long timer

    Joined:
    Oct 30, 2011
    Oddometer:
    3,138
    Location:
    Hervey Bay
  3. Checkmate3

    Checkmate3 Been here awhile

    Joined:
    Mar 20, 2012
    Oddometer:
    418
    Location:
    FNQ
    Mick sent his dog out to see if there were any ducks in the pond. "If there aren't many ducks out there, I'm not going hunting".

    The dog comes back and barks twice. Mick says "Well I'm not going to go out. He only saw two ducks out there"

    Blue says "You're going to take the dog's barks for the truth?"

    Mick says "Yep, he's been right every time"

    Blue doesn't believe it, so he goes to look for himself. When he gets back he says "I don't believe it. There really are only two ducks out there! Where did you get that dog?"

    Mick says "Well, I got him from the breeder up the road. If you want one, you can get one from him"

    So Blue goes to the breeder and says he wants a dog like the one his friend Mick has. The breeder obliges and Blue brings the dog home, tells it to go out and look for ducks.

    Minutes later the dog returns shaking its head with a stick in its mouth, and starts humping Blue's leg.

    Outraged, Blue takes the dog back to the breeder and says "This dog is a fraud. I want my money back!"

    The breeder asks him what the dog did. So Blue tells him that when he sent the dog out to look for ducks, it came back shaking its head with a stick in its mouth, and started humping his leg

    The breeder says "mate , dogs can't talk. He was trying to tell you there are more fucking ducks out there than you can shake a stick at”.
    Ducatijim, AlH, Hay Ewe and 6 others like this.
  4. Big Willy

    Big Willy Gen. Italia

    Joined:
    Nov 28, 2008
    Oddometer:
    4,682
    Location:
    Sunshine Coast
    Saw an Indian at the lights today wearing a purple turban...he was fully Seikh
  5. Bluetonguejak

    Bluetonguejak Pretend racer

    Joined:
    Sep 16, 2009
    Oddometer:
    2,427
    Location:
    Gippsland
  6. Happy Snapper

    Happy Snapper GOMOB.

    Joined:
    Feb 14, 2009
    Oddometer:
    3,567
    Location:
    Brisbane, almost heaven!
  7. BergDonk

    BergDonk Old Enough to Know Better

    Joined:
    Nov 15, 2010
    Oddometer:
    11,210
    Location:
    Snowy Mountains Oz
    upload_2019-10-2_17-30-4.png
    DeLewis, mickd, Brute and 10 others like this.
  8. BergDonk

    BergDonk Old Enough to Know Better

    Joined:
    Nov 15, 2010
    Oddometer:
    11,210
    Location:
    Snowy Mountains Oz
    Human Lifespan Explained

    wait for it....

    On the first day, God created the dog and said, sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past.

    For this I will give you a life span of twenty years.

    The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"

    And God said that it was good.

    On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh.. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."

    The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"

    And God again said that it was good.

    On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family.

    For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."

    The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"

    And God agreed it was good.

    On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."

    But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"

    "Okay," said God, "You asked for it."

    So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves.

    For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family.

    For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren.

    And for the last ten years, we sit on the front verandah and bark at everyone.
  9. richo360

    richo360 Long timer

    Joined:
    Sep 5, 2011
    Oddometer:
    3,284
    Location:
    Melb Bayside
    ^^^^
    You're doin' it wrong...... :)
  10. BergDonk

    BergDonk Old Enough to Know Better

    Joined:
    Nov 15, 2010
    Oddometer:
    11,210
    Location:
    Snowy Mountains Oz
  11. Dave Ward

    Dave Ward Long timer

    Joined:
    Aug 19, 2007
    Oddometer:
    5,880
    Location:
    King River, Western Australia
    I had my yearly checkup the other day, the doctor said "Don't eat anything fatty."

    "I said like bacon and burgers?"

    He said "No fatty, don't eat anything."
  12. Dave Ward

    Dave Ward Long timer

    Joined:
    Aug 19, 2007
    Oddometer:
    5,880
    Location:
    King River, Western Australia
    An engineer who was unemployed for a long time decided to open a medical clinic. He puts a sign outside the clinic: "A cure for your ailment guaranteed at $500; we'll pay you $1,000 if we fail."

    A Doctor thinks this is a good opportunity to earn $1,000 and goes to his clinic.
    Doctor: "I have lost my sense of taste."

    Engineer: "Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth." .
    Doctor: "This is Gasoline!"
    Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500."

    The Doctor gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days later to recover his money.
    Doctor: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."
    Engineer: "Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth." .
    Doctor: "But that is Gasoline!"
    Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500."

    The Doctor leaves angrily and comes back after several days, more determined than ever to make his money back. Doctor: "My eyesight has become weak." .
    Engineer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for this. Take this $1,000," passing the doctor a $500 note.

    Doctor: "But this is $500..."

    Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your vision back! That will be $500.
  13. Wodger63

    Wodger63 Long timer

    Joined:
    Oct 30, 2011
    Oddometer:
    3,138
    Location:
    Hervey Bay
    A man is driving down the road and his car breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?" The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. A sound unlike anything he's ever heard before. The Sirens that nearly seduced Odysseus into crashing his ship comes to his mind. He doesn't sleep that night. He tosses and turns trying to figure out what could possibly be making such a seductive sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk." Distraught, the man is forced to leave. Years later, after never being able to forget that sound, the man goes back to the monastery and pleads for the answer again. The monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk." The man says, "If the only way I can find out what is making that beautiful sound is to become a monk, then please, make me a monk." The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of grains of sand. When you find these answers, you will have become a monk." The man sets about his task. After years of searching he returns as a gray- haired old man and knocks on the door of the monastery. A monk answers. He is taken before a gathering of all the monks. "In my quest to find what makes that beautiful sound, I traveled the earth and have found what you asked for: By design, the world is in a state of perpetual change. Only God knows what you ask. All a man can know is himself, and only then if he is honest and reflective and willing to strip away self deception." The monks reply, "Congratulations. You have become a monk. We shall now show you the way to the mystery of the sacred sound." The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is beyond that door." The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man is given the key to the stone door and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. And so it went that he needed keys to doors of emerald, pearl and diamond. Finally, they come to a door made of solid gold. The sound has become very clear and definite. The monks say, "This is the last key to the last door." The man is apprehensive to no end. His life's wish is behind that door! With trembling hands, he unlocks the door, turns the knob, and slowly pushes the door open. Falling to his knees, he is utterly amazed to discover the source of that haunting and seductive sound...... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... But, of course, I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.
  14. Wodger63

    Wodger63 Long timer

    Joined:
    Oct 30, 2011
    Oddometer:
    3,138
    Location:
    Hervey Bay
  15. Wodger63

    Wodger63 Long timer

    Joined:
    Oct 30, 2011
    Oddometer:
    3,138
    Location:
    Hervey Bay
  16. bikeroz

    bikeroz Long timer

    Joined:
    Oct 18, 2012
    Oddometer:
    2,121
    Location:
    Sydney Lower North Shore
    It's a 5 minute walk from my house to the pub.
    It's a 35 minute walk from my pub to the house.

    The difference is staggering.
    Bounty1, lentil, Dakar Dan and 13 others like this.
  17. BygDaddee

    BygDaddee Where do I get a pie

    Joined:
    Oct 26, 2012
    Oddometer:
    8,807
    Location:
    Brisbane Northside, OZ
  18. BergDonk

    BergDonk Old Enough to Know Better

    Joined:
    Nov 15, 2010
    Oddometer:
    11,210
    Location:
    Snowy Mountains Oz
    Paddy spies a letter lying on his doormat. It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND ".

    Paddy spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.

    ------------ --------- --------- --------- ---------

    Paddy shouts frantically into the phone "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"

    "Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor.

    "No", shouts Paddy, "this is her husband!"

    ------------ --------- --------- ---------

    An old Irish farmer's dog goes missing and he's inconsolable.

    His wife says "Why don't you put an advert in the paper?"

    He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing.

    "What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks. "Here boy" he replies.

    ------------ --------- --------- --------- ---------

    Paddy's in jail.

    Guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet.

    "What on earth you doing?" he asks.

    "Hanging myself" Paddy replies.

    "It should be around your neck" says the Guard.

    "I know" says Paddy "but I couldn't breathe".

    ----------------------- ------------ --------------

    An answer I can understand.

    An Australian tourist asks an Irishman: "Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"

    To which the Irishman replies: "They have to go backwards. If they fell forwards, they'd still be in the boat."

    -----------------------------------------------------------------


    Paddy rings his new girlfriend's door bell, holding a big bunch of flowers.

    She opens the door, sees the flowers, and drags him in.

    She lies back on the couch, pulls her skirt up, rips her knickers off and says 'This is for the flowers?'

    'Don't be silly,' says Paddy, 'You must have a vase somewhere.
    islandtosh, Chalkie62, QDogg and 3 others like this.
  19. Happy Snapper

    Happy Snapper GOMOB.

    Joined:
    Feb 14, 2009
    Oddometer:
    3,567
    Location:
    Brisbane, almost heaven!
    Some thoughts...

    1. The meaning of opaque is unclear.

    2. I wasn't going to get a brain transplant but then I changed my mind.

    3. Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming.

    4. A man tried to assault me with milk, cream and butter. How dairy!

    5. I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.

    6. If there was someone selling marijuana in our neighborhood, weed know
    about it.

    7. It's a lengthy article about ancient Japanese sword fighters but I can
    Sumurais it for you.

    8. It's not that the man couldn't juggle, he just didn't have the balls to
    do it.

    9. So what if I don't know the meaning of the word 'apocalypse'? It's not
    the end of the world.

    10. Police were called to the daycare center. A 3-year old was resisting a
    rest.

    11. The other day I held the door open for a clown. I thought it was a nice
    jester.

    12.. Need an ark to save two of every animal? I Noah guy.

    13. Alternative facts are aversion of the truth.

    14. I used to have a fear of hurdles, but I got over it.

    15. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

    16. Did you know they won't be making yardsticks any longer?

    17. I used to be allergic to soap but I'm clean now.

    18. The patron saint of poverty is St. Nickeless.

    19. What did the man say when the bridge fell on him? The suspension is
    killing me.

    20. Do you have weight loss mantras? Fat chants!

    21. My tailor is happy to make a new pair of pants for me. Or sew it seams.

    22. What is a thesaurus's favorite dessert? Synonym buns.

    23. A relief map shows where the restrooms are.

    24. There was a big paddle sale at the boat store. It was quite an oar deal.
  20. Rocking Horse

    Rocking Horse Self funded bludger

    Joined:
    May 24, 2017
    Oddometer:
    656
    Location:
    Somerset, Tasmania