By Jove, a new pirate joke

Discussion in 'Australia' started by Pickled Amnesiac, Jul 29, 2006.

  1. MultiDV8

    MultiDV8 Been here awhile

    Joined:
    Sep 13, 2013
    Oddometer:
    243
    Location:
    Brisbane Australia
    banned.jpg
    garfey, wyno, Sfcootz and 6 others like this.
  2. Precis

    Precis Maladroit malcontent

    Joined:
    Oct 13, 2009
    Oddometer:
    6,148
    Location:
    Body's back home, but soul is in Central America
    An elderly gentleman goes for a check-up. After his exam the doctor said to the to the old fella, "You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?"

    "In fact, I do," said the old man. "After I have sex I am usually hot and sweaty, and then, after I have it with her the second time, I am usually cold and chilly."

    After examining the old man's elderly wife, the doctor said, "Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"

    The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns. But the doctor then said to her: "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex with you the first time, and then cold and chilly after the second time.Do you know why?"

    "Oh that crazy old bastard, she replied. "That's because the first time is usually in December, and the second time is in June...".
  3. billyt53

    billyt53 Phast Phossil

    Joined:
    Jan 3, 2008
    Oddometer:
    681
    Location:
    Sydney - Nth Subs
    Wealthy Vaucluse Mother calls a Taxi as her Chauffeur, ill. As she is driven thru Kings Cross, her daughter asks:"Mumsy? What are all those ladies doing, waiting on the corners?" The embarrassed Mother replies:"oh, they're waiting for their husbands to pick them up, take them home, dear!"
    The rather rough larrikan Taxi driver, turns around & says:"fer Chrissake, Lady! Tell 'er tha" friggin' truth!" The Mother, clearly irate, proceeds to explain, the facts of life, to her young daughter, who then asks:"but, Mumsy! What happens to all the little babies?!"
    "Well, Dear..." the Mother replies, glaring at the drivers face, in the rear vision mirror..
    "they ALL grow up to become...TAXI DRIVERS!(*for St.George..." local version!)
    SmittyBlackstone and dirtsurfer like this.
  4. Dave Ward

    Dave Ward Long timer

    Joined:
    Aug 19, 2007
    Oddometer:
    6,048
    Location:
    King River, Western Australia
    Shortly after teeing off on the first link, a young lady came rushing into the pro shop, flushed and obviously in a bit of distress.

    "What seems to be the trouble, miss?", asked the pro.

    "I've just been stung by a bee!", the woman gushed.

    "Where at?, asked the gentleman.

    "About halfway between the first and second holes", came the reply.

    "Hmmm . . . . . . . ", he mused, "Sounds like your stance is a bit too wide."
  5. Chalkie62

    Chalkie62 Been here awhile

    Joined:
    Aug 11, 2015
    Oddometer:
    119
    Location:
    Gold Coast
    You've heard of AfterPay and ZipPay.
    Parents with kids have the NeverPay system. No deposit, no interest and no repayments.
  6. MLCRISIS?

    MLCRISIS? Adventurer

    Joined:
    May 28, 2009
    Oddometer:
    38
    Location:
    Tasmania, Land of the twisties.
    "G'day mate, Aussie Helpline...What's the problem cobber?"

    "I'm in Darwin with my sheila and she's been stung on the minge by a wasp,
    and now her pussy has completely closed up."

    "Bummer mate!"

    " Thanks mate, I hadn't thought of that, Bye."
    garfey, goochman, wyno and 5 others like this.
  7. BygDaddee

    BygDaddee Where do I get a pie

    Joined:
    Oct 26, 2012
    Oddometer:
    9,150
    Location:
    Brisbane Northside, OZ
  8. Dave Ward

    Dave Ward Long timer

    Joined:
    Aug 19, 2007
    Oddometer:
    6,048
    Location:
    King River, Western Australia
    My girlfriend poked me in the eyes.

    I stopped seeing her for a while.

    * * * * * *

    My girlfriend told me she saw her dentist.

    I asked if she bit the optician.
    SmittyBlackstone likes this.
  9. bikeroz

    bikeroz Long timer

    Joined:
    Oct 18, 2012
    Oddometer:
    2,156
    Location:
    Sydney Lower North Shore
  10. Dave Ward

    Dave Ward Long timer

    Joined:
    Aug 19, 2007
    Oddometer:
    6,048
    Location:
    King River, Western Australia
    image.jpg
    rvt, Chalkie62, Night_Wolf and 3 others like this.
  11. MultiDV8

    MultiDV8 Been here awhile

    Joined:
    Sep 13, 2013
    Oddometer:
    243
    Location:
    Brisbane Australia
  12. Precis

    Precis Maladroit malcontent

    Joined:
    Oct 13, 2009
    Oddometer:
    6,148
    Location:
    Body's back home, but soul is in Central America
    numbat likes this.
  13. Wodger63

    Wodger63 Long timer

    Joined:
    Oct 30, 2011
    Oddometer:
    3,212
    Location:
    Hervey Bay
  14. Gunerdo

    Gunerdo fromwanerbe

    Joined:
    Aug 3, 2017
    Oddometer:
    560
    Location:
    Westraya
  15. Bluetonguejak

    Bluetonguejak Pretend racer

    Joined:
    Sep 16, 2009
    Oddometer:
    2,574
    Location:
    Gippsland
  16. bikeroz

    bikeroz Long timer

    Joined:
    Oct 18, 2012
    Oddometer:
    2,156
    Location:
    Sydney Lower North Shore
    Is buttcheecks one word? or should I spread them apart?
  17. sages

    sages Been here awhile

    Joined:
    Sep 23, 2008
    Oddometer:
    327
    Location:
    Perth, West Australia
    maybe have a look (c)see how many c's are needed
  18. BergDonk

    BergDonk Old Enough to Know Better

    Joined:
    Nov 15, 2010
    Oddometer:
    11,714
    Location:
    Snowy Mountains Oz
    Lexophilia results in:

    I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.

    England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

    Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.

    This girl today said she recognized me from the Vegetarians Club, but I'd swear I've never met herbivore.

    I know a guy who's addicted to drinking brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.

    A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

    When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A.

    I got some batteries that were given out free of charge.

    A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.

    A will is a dead giveaway.

    With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

    Police were summoned to a day-care centre where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

    Did you hear about the fellow whose entire left side was cut off? He's all right now.

    A bicycle can't stand alone; it's just two tired.

    The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine last week is now fully recovered.

    He had a photographic memory, but it was never fully developed.

    When she saw her first strands of grey hair, she thought she'd dye.

    Acupuncture is a jab well done. That's the point of it.

    I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

    Did you hear about the crossed-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

    When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

    When chemists die, they barium.

    I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.

    I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.

    Those who get too big for their pants will be totally exposed in the end.
    SmittyBlackstone, Ducatijim and Ron50 like this.
  19. Gunerdo

    Gunerdo fromwanerbe

    Joined:
    Aug 3, 2017
    Oddometer:
    560
    Location:
    Westraya
    thumbnail_sandwich maker.jpg
    SmittyBlackstone, sages and fjer like this.
  20. Wodger63

    Wodger63 Long timer

    Joined:
    Oct 30, 2011
    Oddometer:
    3,212
    Location:
    Hervey Bay
    An elderly couple was watching a Discovery Channel special about a West African bush tribe whose men all had penises 24 inches long. When the black male reaches a certain age, a string is tied around his penis and on the other end is a weight. After a while, the weight stretches the penis to 24 inches.

    Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower,
    his wife looked at him and said, "How about we try the African
    string-and-weight procedure?"

    The husband agreed and they tied a string and a weight to his penis.

    A few days later, the wife asked the husband,
    "How is our little tribal experiment coming along?"

    "It looks like we're about half way there," he replied.

    "Wow, you mean it's grown to 12 inches?"

    "No, it's turned black.."