By Jove, a new pirate joke

Discussion in 'Australia' started by Pickled Amnesiac, Jul 29, 2006.

  1. BergDonk

    BergDonk Old Enough to Know Better

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    I was standing at the bar at the Club one night minding my own business. This FAT ugly chick came up behind me, grabbed my behind and said, "You're kinda cute. You gotta phone number?" I said, "Yeah, you gotta pen?" She said, "Yeah, I got a pen". I said, "You better get back in it before the farmer misses you."

    Cost me 6 stitches.. but, when you’re getting on, who cares?

    **********

    I went to the chemist and asked the shoppie "Give me 3 packets of condoms, please." She asked; "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir? I said "Nah... She's not too bad lookin'....."

    When you’re getting on, who cares?

    **********

    I was talking to a young woman in the Club last night. She said, "If you lost a few kilos, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right.” I said, “If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you.”

    Cost me a fat lip, but... when you’re getting on, who cares?

    **********

    I was telling a woman in the Club about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her breasts. "Really" she said, "Go on then... try." After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?” I said, "Yesterday."

    Cost me a kick in the nuts, but when you’re getting on, who cares?

    *********

    I got caught taking a pee in the swimming pool today. The pool attendant shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.

    When you’re getting on, who cares?

    **********

    I went to our Club last night and saw a BIG woman dancing on a table. I said, "Good legs." The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so?" I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."

    Cost me 6 more stitches, but... When you’re getting on, who cares?
    toecutta, ozcruiser, garfey and 18 others like this.
  2. Big Willy

    Big Willy Gen. Italia

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    And it's arsecheeks in Oz.

    Been thinking about the Adventure Rider salute and generally the one finger salute...
    Means "sit on this"...who wants someone's arse lowered onto your on your finger?. Ok...some might

    Bring back the good ol' V finger formation..."Get Fucked ya caarnt!

    Black Friday...Halloween...it'll be Thanksgiving next!

    Fuck Halloween, fuck Guy Fawkes even... Let's have a Ned Kelly day when all the kids wear buckets on their heads and hold up homeowners for lollies (not sweeties or candy)
  3. Dean Ohlin

    Dean Ohlin inner city elite Supporter

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    Hands of the buckets on heads idea mate...locally, that's how we mark Keep Australia Beautiful Day.
  4. Dave Ward

    Dave Ward Long timer

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    So, you wouldn't have seen much of the event then?
    SmittyBlackstone likes this.
  5. Dean Ohlin

    Dean Ohlin inner city elite Supporter

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    Let's just say that if you'd posted that in the third week of August, I wouldn't have been pissed of about it until the fourth week in August.

    And I hear a whisper that next year I'm up for King of the Parade and I'll get to wear it for a whole year.
    SmittyBlackstone likes this.
  6. Bluetonguejak

    Bluetonguejak Pretend racer

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    If our dog could talk...

    20191203_034840.jpg
  7. drdubb

    drdubb OFWG Supporter

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    love my dog
    Sfcootz and Blakduk like this.
  8. bikeroz

    bikeroz Long timer

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    Sydney Lower North Shore
    I went bald, but I still kept my comb.
    I just can't part with it.
  9. davenowherejones

    davenowherejones short old guy

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    Hope "I get there", BC, Canada
    It ain't worth flying 24 hours to Sydney for that joke, I need something better.
  10. davenowherejones

    davenowherejones short old guy

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    Hope "I get there", BC, Canada
    Actually the Sydney joke around here is when someone wants to go to Sydney, Australia but ends up in Sydney, British Columbia, Canada at the Victoria International Airport.

    Even worse is if they end up at Sydney, Nova Scotia, Canada. Now that is cruel joke. Happens.
    SmittyBlackstone likes this.
  11. Gunerdo

    Gunerdo fromwanerbe

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  12. MultiDV8

    MultiDV8 Been here awhile

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    Location:
    Brisbane Australia
  13. Rocking Horse

    Rocking Horse Self funded bludger

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    Somerset, Tasmania
    I haven't lost my hair.

    It's in a shoe-box under my bed.
  14. Dave Ward

    Dave Ward Long timer

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    I hope they know she can move in any direction.
    image.jpg
  15. wi11iamson

    wi11iamson Been here awhile

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    But she can't take that bishop!
  16. BergDonk

    BergDonk Old Enough to Know Better

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    A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.
    He decides to test it out at dinner one night.
    The father asks his son what he did that afternoon.
    The son says, "I did some schoolwork."
    The robot slaps the son.
    The son says, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies."
    Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?"
    Son says, "Toy Story."
    The robot slaps the son.
    Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching porn."
    Dad says, "What?" At your age I didn't even know what porn was."
    The robot slaps the father.
    Mum laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son."
    The robot slaps the mother.
    The robot is for sale.
  17. BergDonk

    BergDonk Old Enough to Know Better

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    Snowy Mountains Oz
    Supposedly true story from Italy:

    A man and his wife were getting a divorce at a local court in Italy, but the custody of their children posed a problem.

    The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she had brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.

    The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his side of the story.

    After a long moment of silence, the man rose from his chair and replied:

    "Your Honour, when I put a coin into a vending machine, and a Coke comes out, does the Coke belong to me or to the machine?

    He won!
    SmittyBlackstone and DOT like this.
  18. BygDaddee

    BygDaddee Where do I get a pie

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  19. Dave Ward

    Dave Ward Long timer

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  20. buckscreek

    buckscreek AUTODIDACTIC

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    Vacy
    Two moves.
    SmittyBlackstone likes this.