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Discussion in 'Australia' started by Pickled Amnesiac, Jul 29, 2006.
A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first-class section of an aeroplane. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, and wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds. The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took out a tissue, wiped her nose, and then shuddered violently once more. Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again. As before, she took out a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before. Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, "I couldn't help but notice that you’ve sneezed three times, wiped your nose, and then shuddered violently. Are you OK?"
The woman replied, "I am sorry if I disturbed you. I have a very rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm."
The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. "I have never heard of that condition before," he said. "Are you taking anything for it?"
The woman nodded. "Pepper."
Did you know that in the Canary Islands, there are no canaries?
And in the Virgin Islands?
Yep, you guessed right, no canaries either.
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People are usually shocked that I have a police record.
But I love their Greatest Hits!
This joke stings a bit, doesn't it?
For those of you who follow the NSW news, this may be a bit topical.
A father of 5 had lost his job due to Covid 19 and was having trouble putting food on the table. He started trapping koalas for food, got caught by the national park rangers, and was dragged before the local magistrate. When he explained the reason for his actions, the magistrate dismissed the charges. On his way out of court the magistrate asked him - “By the way, what does koala taste like?” He answered – “It’s a bit like platypus your worship.”
How to explain about pregnancy to a child of the 21st century, when bees, flowers, seeds, stork are out of fashion?
Today, the explanation is modern.
The son asks his father: Dad, how was I born?
Well, my son, one day we knew we would talk about it, so I'll explain what you need to know:
One day, Mom and Dad connected to Facebook and became friends. Dad sent a tweet inviting Mom to go to a cybercafe. We found that we had many links and likes in common and we understood each other very well.
When we were not on the laptop, we would talk on Whats App and Skype.
And we were giving more likes, until one day we decided to share our files.
Dad introduced his USB stick to Mom's USB port. When the files were downloaded, we realized that we had forgotten the security software and that we had no firewall or snapshot filter.
It was too late to cancel the download and it was impossible to delete the files, generating the message "INSTALLATION SUCCESSFUL".
With this the monthly notifications of your mother stopped arriving and nine months later you appeared as a new user contact, requesting a login and password...
Nice one Mr Ward.
Thoughts as I Age:
When I say, "The other day," I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago.
I remember being able to get up without making sound effects.
I had my patience tested, I'm negative.
When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say "nothing," it does not mean I am free. It means I am doing nothing.
Age 60 might be the new 40, but 9:00 pm is the new midnight
I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, but whatever.
I hate when a couple argues in public, and I missed the beginning and don't know whose side I'm on.
When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint and ask, "Why, what did you hear?
When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery?
Don't bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head. That'll freak you right out.
It's the start of a brand new day, and I'm off like a turtle.
I don't mean to interrupt people. I just randomly remember things and get really excited.
When I ask for directions, please don't use words like "east."
The older I get, the earlier it gets late.
Yesterday I saw my ex get run over by a bus! I thought Wow.. That could have been me!
But then I remembered - I can't drive a bus.
Lulu was a prostitute, but she didn't want her grandma to know.
One day, the police raided the brothel and took all the girls outside and made them line up.
Suddenly, Lulu's grandma came by. Grandma asked, "Why are you standing in line here, dear?"
Not willing to let her grandma know the truth, Lulu told her that the police were passing out free oranges and she was just lining up for some.
"Why, that's awfully nice of them. I think I'll get some for myself,"
Grandma said, and she proceeded to the back of the line. A policeman was going down the line asking for information from all the prostitutes.
When he got to grandma, he was bewildered and exclaimed, "Wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do it old girl?"
Grandma replied, "Oh, it's easy, dear. I just take my dentures out, rip the skin back and suck em' dry."
…The policeman fainted…