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By Jove, a new pirate joke

Discussion in 'Australia' started by Pickled Amnesiac, Jul 29, 2006.

  1. Andrew2

    Andrew2 Long timer

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    At least it made you read the menu to check:-)
    SmittyBlackstone likes this.
  2. BOOTLACE

    BOOTLACE Bikie Scum. Supporter

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    Methane Central..(Sth Gippsland)
    I was hungry man!
    SmittyBlackstone and Andrew2 like this.
  3. farqhuar

    farqhuar Human guinea pig

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    I got asked that many times in theatre by patients having hip or knee replacements, interestingly, the most common requests came from farmer's wives.

    Strangest request was from a guy having a TURP (Trans Urethral Resection of the Prostate). The patient usually stays awake whilst the surgeon pushes a borescope and reamer down the end of your willy and removes most of the prostate from the inside out. At the end of the procedure the surgeon showed him the chunks of tissue that he had removed. The (Italian) patient said that it looked just like diced ham and asked if he could take it home to put on his pizza! :lol3
  4. Dave Ward

    Dave Ward I don't even know where the box is.

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    King River, Western Australia
    ^^^^
    Didn't need to read that just as I was about to have a leak before sitting down to eat...
    Dukehunt, Chop Chop, numbat and 3 others like this.
  5. drikko

    drikko Long timer

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    Brisbane
    Still going today, starts in about half an hour.
    Mickalmus likes this.
  6. BergDonk

    BergDonk Old Enough to Know Better

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    Snowy Mountains Oz
  7. BergDonk

    BergDonk Old Enough to Know Better

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    Snowy Mountains Oz
    The Story of Irishman, Michael O'Flahety a Victim of Modern Day Depression

    This is a very sad story of the depression that can haunt a man. My friend Michael was so sick and tired of the world; of Covid, the Chinese aggression, of Global Warming, of BLM and the rest of the stories that our media deem important to broadcast. Michael drove his car into his garage and then sealed every doorway and window as best he could. He got back into his car and wound down all the windows, selected his favourite radio station and started the car.

    Four days later, a worried neighbour peered through his garage window and saw him in the car. She notified the police and ambulance and they broke in and pulled Michael from the car. A little sip of water and surprisingly he was in perfect condition but his Tesla had a flat battery.
  8. Happy Snapper

    Happy Snapper GOMOB.

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    Brisbane, almost heaven!
    I love your jokes mate... keep them on file!
  9. Ready set slow

    Ready set slow Been here awhile

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    Moree
  10. Chop Chop

    Chop Chop Long timer

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    Sunny Coast, Qld Aust
    Can't remember that one.
    One of the funniest I can remember was when a truckie pulled over for a rest break to get some sleep in the back of the cab. Unfortunately a mosquito kept annoying him for some time, so he reached for the aeroguard and sprayed liberally and finally got some much needed rest.
    In the morning he awoke to find that he had redecorated the entire cab with spray paint.

    You'll have to be pretty tired not to smell that me thinks.
    SmittyBlackstone likes this.
  11. bikeymikey70

    bikeymikey70 Been here awhile Supporter

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    Temora, Australia
  12. Wodger63

    Wodger63 Long timer

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  13. Dave Ward

    Dave Ward I don't even know where the box is.

    Joined:
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    Location:
    King River, Western Australia
    The year is 2222 and George and Pauline land on Mars after accumulating enough Frequent Flier miles from all their foreign holidays.

    They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things. George asks if Mars has a stock market, what sort of computers they use, how they make money, etc.

    Finally, Pauline brings up the subject of sex.

    Just how do you guys do it?' asks Pauline.

    The Martian responds, 'Pretty much the way you do.'

    A discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another.

    Pauline and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's only got a teeny, weenie member about half an inch long and just a quarter-inch thick.

    'I don't think this is going to work,' says Pauline.

    'Why?', he asks, 'What's the matter?'

    'Well,' she replies, 'it's just not long enough to reach me!'

    'No problem,' he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite impressively long.

    'Well,' she says, 'that's quite impressive, but it is still narrow'

    'No problem,' he says, and starts pulling his ears..

    With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman.

    'Wow!' she exclaims, as they fall into bed and make mad passionate love.

    The next day the couples rejoin their other partners and go their separate ways.

    As they walked along, George asks, 'Well, was it any good?' 'I hate to say it,' says Pauline, 'but it was wonderful. How about you?'

    'It was horrible,' he replies. 'All I got was a headache. She kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears!!!!'
  14. Dave Ward

    Dave Ward I don't even know where the box is.

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    The Fence Repair - Queensland style !!!

    Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at Government House. One is from Ipswich, another is from Sandgate, and the third is from Peregian Beach. All three go with an official to examine the fence...

    The Ipswich contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900, $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

    The Sandgate contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700. That's $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

    The Peregian Beach contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the government official and whispers, "$2,700."

    The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys. How did you come up with such a high figure?"

    The Peregian Beach contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Sandgate to fix the fence."

    "Done!" Replies the government official.

    And that, my fellow tax payers, is how a Government Stimulus plan works.
  15. Welshman

    Welshman B.U.F.F.

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    Jo,burg dry and dirty.
    Amateurs, the Free State Government here spent 25mio Aus$ on a survey of houses looking for Asbestos, the officials split the money and paid a contractor 2mio Aus$ to do the actual work.:dirtdog
  16. Dave Ward

    Dave Ward I don't even know where the box is.

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    King River, Western Australia

    Yeah, but the joke was set in Queensland...
  17. drikko

    drikko Long timer

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    Lots of jokes are set in QLD, let's talk about Freckles. There, politics achieved without raising CSM alarm bells haha
    numbat likes this.
  18. farqhuar

    farqhuar Human guinea pig

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    ... or Powerchook, same thing.
    Ducksbane likes this.
  19. drikko

    drikko Long timer

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    We don't need another Namble Queueman..
  20. Dave Ward

    Dave Ward I don't even know where the box is.

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    Rhetorical questions don't require a response, do they?