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Discussion in 'Australia' started by Pickled Amnesiac, Jul 29, 2006.
I think we can safely call him by his real name - Voldemort.
Oh duck off this is the joke thread take your CSM opinions elsewhere.
Sorry about that.... How about the real reason fish developed legs? Better?
Well I am guessing you have ugly balls.
The mother-in-law stopped unexpectedly by the recently married couple’s house.
She rang the doorbell and stepped into the house. She saw her daughter-in-law standing naked by the door.
“What are you doing?” she asked.
“I’m waiting for my husband to come home from work.,” the daughter-in-law answered.
“But you’re NAKED!” the mother-in-law exclaimed.
“This is my Love Dress.” the daughter-in-law explained.
“Love Dress? But you’re naked!”
“My husband loves me to wear this dress! It makes him happy and it makes me happy. I would appreciate it if you would leave because he will be home from work any minute.”
The mother-in-law was tired of all this romantic talk and left.
But on the way home, she thought about the Love Dress. When she got home she got undressed, showered, put on her best perfume and waited by the front door.
Finally, her husband got home. He walked in and saw her standing naked by the door.
“What are you doing?” He exclaimed.
“This is My Love Dress.” She replied.
“Needs ironing,” he said.
Murphy goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church.
He pulls aside the curtain, enters and sits himself down.
There’s a fully equipped bar with crystal glasses, the best vestry wine, Guinness on tap, cigars and liqueur chocolates nearby.
And on the wall a fine photographic display of various women who appear to have misplaced their garments.
He hears a priest come in. “Father, forgive I think its been a while since I’ve been to confession and to be sure I must say that the confessional box is much better than it used to be.
The priest replies, “Get out, you idiot. You’re on my side!”
Paddy checks into a hotel for the first time in his life and goes up to his room.
Five minutes later he calls the desk and says, “Ya have given me a room with no exit. How do I leave?”
The desk clerk says, “Sir, that’s absurd.
Have you looked for the door?”
Paddy Irishman replies “Well, there’s one door that leads to the bathroom.
There’s a second door that goes into the closet.
And there’s a door I haven’t tried, but it has a ‘do not disturb’ sign on it.”
I’ve just seen Paddy in the local newsagent and one of his shoelaces was undone, so I said, “watch out you don’t trip up over your laces, Paddy.”
Paddy says, “yeah, it’s these bloody instructions.”
I said, “what instructions, Paddy?”
Paddy says, “underneath the shoe, it says ‘Taiwan’.”
There are three things that cannot be easily hidden, the Sun, the Moon, and the Truth. Two Truths and 5 Rules of Life:
SIMPLE TRUTH 1:
Lovers help each other undress before sex.
However, after sex, they always dress on their own.
Moral of the story -- In life, no one helps you once you're screwed.
SIMPLE TRUTH 2
When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch the stomach and say, "Congrats."
But, none of them comes up to the man- touch his penis and say, "Good Job"
Moral of the story -- Hard work is rarely appreciated.
RULES TO REMEMBER IN LIFE:
1. Money cannot buy happiness - but it's far more comfortable to cry in a Porsche than on a bicycle
2. Forgive your enemy - but remember the asshole's name.
3. If you help someone when they're in trouble - they will remember you when they're in trouble again.
4. Alcohol does not solve any problems - but then, neither does milk.
5. Many people are alive only because it's illegal to shoot them.
6. Condoms do not guarantee safe sex! A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman's husband.
Bloke met a beautiful Italian lady at a nightclub.
He offered her a drink and over the course of the night, he charmed her with funny Irish stories and songs.
She’d never had a night like it before and decided to invite him back to her room.
They had a passionate affair all that summer. One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant.
Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he gave her a large sum of money and told her to go back to Italy to secretly have the child.
He said that if she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.
She agreed but asked how he would know when the baby was born.
To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a postcard, and write ‘Spaghetti’ on the back.
He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.
One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.
‘Honey!,’ she said, ‘you received a very strange post card today.’
‘Oh, just give it to me and I’ll explain it later,’ he said.
The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.
On the card was written:
Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.
One with meatballs, two without.
Send extra sauce.
Actually, I would so like a new, good quality lid with that paint job...
One for all the scrappers out there !!
If two Vegans have an argument is it still called a beef ?
depends whats at steak
Why is walking into a bar like eating furniture..???
It's hard to avoid passing a stool.
A research group on sea mammals captured a rather odd porpoise on one of its trips.
Its peculiarity was that it had feet. After they had photographed and measured the poor thing, they prepared to set it free.
"Wait a minute," said one of the researchers, "Wouldn't it be a kindness if our ship's doctor here were to amputate the feet so that it would be like other porpoises?" "Not on your life," exclaimed the doctor,
"That would be defeeting the porpoise."
Littlle Mary was sitting on Santa's lap, and the conversation went thus:
SANTA: So what would you like for xmas dear girl?
MARY: Umm, I want a Barbie and and GI-Joe...
SANTA: But doesn't Barbie normally come with Ken?
MARY: No She fakes it with Ken, she really comes with GI-Joe.