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By Jove, a new pirate joke

Discussion in 'Australia' started by Pickled Amnesiac, Jul 29, 2006.

  1. BergDonk

    BergDonk Old Enough to Know Better

    Joined:
    Nov 15, 2010
    Oddometer:
    14,076
    Location:
    Snowy Mountains Oz
    Lovemaking Tips For Seniors

    1. Wear your glasses to make sure your partner is actually in the bed.

    2. Set timer for 3 minutes, in case you doze off in the middle.

    3. Set the mood with lighting. (Turn them ALL OFF!)

    4. Make sure you put '000' on your speed dial before you begin.

    5. Write partner's name on your hand in case you can't remember..

    6. Use extra polygrip so your teeth don't end up under the bed.

    7. Have Oxygen ready in case you actually complete the act..

    8. Make all the noise you want....the neighbours are deaf, too.

    9. If it works, call everyone you know with the good news!!

    10. Don't even think about trying it twice. ..
    . . . . . . . . . . . .. . . . . . . . . .. . . . ... . . . . . . . . . . .

    and 'OLD' is when:
    Your sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs and make love,' and you answer, 'Pick one; I can't do both!'

    Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.

    Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

    You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

    You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police

    'Getting a little action' means you don't need to take a laxative today.

    'Getting lucky' means you find your car in the parking lot..

    An 'all nighter' means not getting up to use the bathroom.

    You're not sure if these are facts or jokes.
    Watercat, islandtosh, bungen and 5 others like this.
  2. BergDonk

    BergDonk Old Enough to Know Better

    Joined:
    Nov 15, 2010
    Oddometer:
    14,076
    Location:
    Snowy Mountains Oz
  3. Oldfatbeerman

    Oldfatbeerman Enroute to a PUB

    Joined:
    Dec 26, 2006
    Oddometer:
    6,007
    Location:
    Lake Macquarie , NSW, Australia
  4. UncleGra

    UncleGra Road Grime

    Joined:
    Jan 16, 2008
    Oddometer:
    6,953
    Location:
    'neath the Southern Cross
    What would be a suitable gift for a friend who already has everything ?
  5. richo360

    richo360 Long timer

    Joined:
    Sep 5, 2011
    Oddometer:
    4,322
    Location:
    Melb Bayside
    A woman who takes everything?
  6. Clancy

    Clancy Long timer

    Joined:
    Jun 11, 2006
    Oddometer:
    6,829
    Location:
    Land of droughts, and flooding rains

    Herpes ??:(
    SmittyBlackstone likes this.
  7. a2zworks

    a2zworks Trust me, I'm Pablo

    Joined:
    Mar 11, 2013
    Oddometer:
    2,539
    Location:
    West Hobart
  8. MirthfulThylacinator

    MirthfulThylacinator Tinker

    Joined:
    Feb 21, 2018
    Oddometer:
    629
    Location:
    Tassie
    ... when wife reminds hubby, don't forget - our kid's supposed to be in costume when dropped off at kindergarten today ...

    IMG_20201016_115015.jpg
  9. Wodger63

    Wodger63 Long timer

    Joined:
    Oct 30, 2011
    Oddometer:
    3,768
    Location:
    Hervey Bay
  10. Dave Ward

    Dave Ward I don't even know where the box is.

    Joined:
    Aug 19, 2007
    Oddometer:
    7,048
    Location:
    King River, Western Australia
  11. BygDaddee

    BygDaddee Where do I get a pie

    Joined:
    Oct 26, 2012
    Oddometer:
    11,425
    Location:
    Brisbane Northside, OZ
  12. Bluetonguejak

    Bluetonguejak Pretend racer

    Joined:
    Sep 16, 2009
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    3,336
    Location:
    Gippsland
  13. Happy Snapper

    Happy Snapper GOMOB.

    Joined:
    Feb 14, 2009
    Oddometer:
    4,066
    Location:
    Brisbane, almost heaven!
    Amoxicillin ?
  14. BergDonk

    BergDonk Old Enough to Know Better

    Joined:
    Nov 15, 2010
    Oddometer:
    14,076
    Location:
    Snowy Mountains Oz
  15. BergDonk

    BergDonk Old Enough to Know Better

    Joined:
    Nov 15, 2010
    Oddometer:
    14,076
    Location:
    Snowy Mountains Oz
    The Rabbi is Leaving

    Saturday morning service, the rabbi announced that he was planning to leave for a larger congregation that would pay him more. There is a hush within the congregation.

    No one wants him to leave because he is so popular.

    Fred Shapiro, who owns several car dealerships in Venice and Sarasota, stands up and proclaims: "If the Rabbi stays, I will provide him with a new Cadillac every year and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!"

    The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.

    Saul Cohen, a successful businessman and lawyer, stands and says, "If the rabbi will stay on here, I’ll personally double his salary and establish a foundation to guarantee a free college education for his children!"

    More sighs and loud applause.

    Estelle Rubin, age 88, stands and announces with a smile: "If the Rabbi stays, I will give him sex."

    There is total silence.

    The rabbi, blushing, asks her: "Mrs. Rubin, you’re a wonderful and holy lady.

    Whatever possessed you to say that?"

    Estelle’s 90-year old husband, Abe, is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replies:

    "Well, I just asked my husband how we could help and he said: 'Fuck him.'
  16. BergDonk

    BergDonk Old Enough to Know Better

    Joined:
    Nov 15, 2010
    Oddometer:
    14,076
    Location:
    Snowy Mountains Oz
  17. BygDaddee

    BygDaddee Where do I get a pie

    Joined:
    Oct 26, 2012
    Oddometer:
    11,425
    Location:
    Brisbane Northside, OZ
  18. Dave Ward

    Dave Ward I don't even know where the box is.

    Joined:
    Aug 19, 2007
    Oddometer:
    7,048
    Location:
    King River, Western Australia
    ^^^
    Looks like a game changer, with a beak too.
  19. BygDaddee

    BygDaddee Where do I get a pie

    Joined:
    Oct 26, 2012
    Oddometer:
    11,425
    Location:
    Brisbane Northside, OZ
  20. BygDaddee

    BygDaddee Where do I get a pie

    Joined:
    Oct 26, 2012
    Oddometer:
    11,425
    Location:
    Brisbane Northside, OZ