SIMPLE TRUTH 1: Lovers help each other undress before sex. However, after sex, they always dress on their own. Moral of the story -- In life, no one helps you once you're screwed. SIMPLE TRUTH 2: When a woman is pregnant, all her friends touch her stomach and say, "Congratulations." But none go up to the man, touch his penis and say, "Good Job." Moral of the story -- Hard work is rarely appreciated. FIVE RULES TO REMEMBER IN LIFE: 1. Money can't buy happiness - but it's far more comfortable to cry in a Porsche than on a bicycle. 2. Forgive your enemy - but remember the asshole's name. 3. If you help someone when they're in trouble - they will remember you when they're in trouble again. 4. Alcohol does not solve any problems - but then, neither does milk. 5. Many people are alive only because it's illegal to shoot them. BONUS RULES: 1. Condoms do not guarantee safe sex! A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman's husband. 2. I think all politicians should wear uniforms. You know, like race car drivers drivers or motorcycle racers, so we could identify their corporate sponsors. 3. Also, all politicians should serve only two terms -- one in office and one in prison.