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Discussion in 'Australia' started by Pickled Amnesiac, Jul 29, 2006.
In the great day of the British Empire (it was on a Wednesday...), a new commanding officer was sent to an Indian border outpost to relieve the retiring colonel.
After welcoming his replacement and showing the usual courtesies (gin and tonic, cucumber sandwiches etc.), which protocol decrees, the retiring colonel said, "You must meet my Adjutant, Captain Smithers, He's my right-hand man and is really the strength of this office. His talent is simply boundless."
Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new CO, who was surprised to meet a hunchback, one-eyed, toothless, hairless, scabbed and pockmarked specimen of humanity, a particularly unattractive man less than three feet tall.
"Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about yourself." ''Well, sir, I graduated with honours from Sandhurst, joined the regiment and won the Military Cross and Bar after three expeditions behind enemy lines. I've represented Great Britain in equestrian events and won a Silver Medal in the middleweight division of the Olympics. I have researched the history of....."
At that point, the colonel interrupted, "Yes, yes, never mind that Smithers, he can find all that in your file. Tell him about the day you told the witch doctor to fuck himself."
Much like an orgasm then?
Three unwritten rules of life...
Wrong man to ask
Or retired motorcyclists???
Once upon a time in the Caribbean…
Two prawns were swimming around. The first one was called Justin and the second one was called Kristian. They were continually being chased and threatened by the sharks that inhabited the area.
Eventually Justin had had enough. He said to Kristian, “I’m fed up with being a prawn. I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn’t have to worry about being eaten all the time.”
As he said this, a large mysterious cod appeared and said, “Your wish is granted!”
And believe it or not, with that Justin turned into a fearsome shark.
Kristian was horrified and so immediately swam away as he was scared of being eaten by his old friend.
As time went by, Justin found his new life as a shark to be boring and lonely. None of his old friends would let him get near them as they thought he would eat them and so they just swam away whenever he approached.
It took a while, but eventually Justin realized that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.
Then one day he was swimming all alone as usual when he saw the mysterious cod again. He thought it’d be better if he could go back to his old life so he swam to the cod and begged to be changed back. The cod worked his magic and suddenly Justin was a prawn once more.
With tears of joy streaming down his cheeks Justin swam straight to Kristian’s home.
As he opened the coral gate, the happy memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted, “Kristian, it’s me, Justin, your old friend. Come out and see me again.”
Kristian replied, “No way! You’re a shark now and you’ll just eat me. I’m not being tricked into being your dinner.”
Justin shouted back “No, I’m not a shark any more. That was the old me. I’ve changed…
I’ve found Cod. I’m a prawn again Kristian.”
The Bible and the Quran tell us to love each other.
The Kamasutra is more specific.
And, on the 8th day, God created Seniors...
Most seniors never get enough exercise. In His wisdom God decreed that seniors become forgetful so they would have to search for their glasses, keys, and other things, thus doing more walking. And God looked down and saw that it was good.
Then God saw there was another need. In His wisdom He made seniors lose coordination so they would drop things, requiring them to bend, reach, and stretch. And God looked down and saw that it was good.
Then God considered the function of bladders and decided seniors would have additional calls of nature, requiring more trips to the bathroom, thus providing more exercise. God looked down and saw that it was good.
So if you find, as you age, you are getting up and down more, remember it's God's will. It is all in your best interest even though you mutter under your breath.
Nine Important Facts To Remember As We Grow Older...
#9 Death is the number 1 killer in the world.
#8 Life is sexually transmitted.
#7 Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
#6 Men have two motivations: hunger and hanky-panky, and they can't tell them apart. If you see a gleam in his eyes, make him a sandwich.
#5 Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.
#4 Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.
#3 All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
#2 In the 60's, people took LSD to make the world weird. Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal.
#1 Life is like a jar of jalapeño peppers. What you do today may be a burning issue tomorrow.
The CEO at Euro Exim Bank Ltd. got economists thinking when he said:
“A cyclist is a disaster for a country's economy. He does not buy a car and does not take a car loan.
Does not buy car insurance. Does not buy fuel. Does not send his car for servicing and repairs. Does not use paid parking. Does not become obese’.
Yes - and he stays well, damn it!!
Healthy people are not needed for an economy. They do not buy drugs.
They do not go to hospitals and doctors. They add nothing to a country's GDP.
On the contrary, every new McDonalds outlet creates at least 30 jobs: 10 cardiologists, 10 dentists, 10 weight-loss experts apart from people working in McDonalds outlets.
Choose wisely: A cycle or a McDonalds? Worth thinking.”
Walking is even worse. Those people do not even buy a bicycle.
Never mind the car loan, you almost need to take out a second mortgage for some of these new E-bikes .
Today is apparently World Naked Hiking Day, did any one in here participate?
I got partially naked in a few parks today. I pissed in the bushes several times.
When he was little, my boy did this to the TV, because we used to show him photos and stuff on our phones and tablet.
As a toddler he used to growl at the TV, too. That caused a bit of head-scratching WTF?! until I realised when the MotoGP telecast cut from the bikes to interviews, he'd turn away and 'growl', making his own bike noises until they came back again for him to watch.
I’ve been reading the paper and caught myself a couple of times reaching to enlarge a picture with two fingers, a la an iPad.
And a few times I have been out walking and heard a noise behind me and and looked to my front right and then front left, looking for my rear view mirrors.
Unbelievable, but true.
At the end of the 2009 Safari we were on a bus heading to the presentation dinner.... As we approached the first intersection I instinctively looked down for the instructions