By Jove, a new pirate joke

Discussion in 'Australia' started by Pickled Amnesiac, Jul 29, 2006.

  1. sidetrack one

    sidetrack one Chief Tiddler Supporter

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    There's a huge difference between a man and a woman when they say....
    I went thru a whole box of tissues watching that movie!
  2. sidetrack one

    sidetrack one Chief Tiddler Supporter

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    What do you call someone who tells a Dad joke but isn't a Dad.....a faux pa!
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  3. sidetrack one

    sidetrack one Chief Tiddler Supporter

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    How does Darth Vader eat with a mask on.....he force feeds himself!
  4. BergDonk

    BergDonk Old Enough to Know Better

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    A young Sydney woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the Harbour.

    Just before she could throw herself off Circular Quay, a handsome young man stopped her.

    "You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we are off to Italy tomorrow.

    I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy."

    With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Italy, the woman accepted.

    That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the hold.

    From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches, a bottle of red wine, and make love to her until dawn.

    Two weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.

    "What are you doing here?" asked the captain.

    "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Italy ."

    "I see," the captain says.

    Her conscience got the best of her and she added, "Plus, he's screwing me."

    "He certainly is," replied the captain.

    "This is the Manly Ferry."
    fjer, Watercat, Dakar Dan and 9 others like this.
  5. BOOTLACE

    BOOTLACE Bikie Scum. Supporter

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    90B6CCDE-7C9A-4F6B-8356-6964036852AC.jpeg
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  6. Dave Ward

    Dave Ward I don't even know where the box is.

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    Me too, but with my luck all the protests would probably be in NSW...
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  7. Dave Ward

    Dave Ward I don't even know where the box is.

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    Someone told me today that NSW are bringing back an old numberplate motto from the 90s, "NSW - Towards 2000"
    Dakar Dan, a2zworks, BergDonk and 5 others like this.
  8. BergDonk

    BergDonk Old Enough to Know Better

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    upload_2021-9-6_9-27-11.png
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  9. BergDonk

    BergDonk Old Enough to Know Better

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    A young couple invited their elderly minister for Sunday dinner.
    While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked their son what they were having.
    "Goat," the little boy replied.
    "Goat?" replied the startled man of the cloth, "Are you sure about that?"
    "Yep," said the youngster.
    "I heard Dad say to Mum, "Today is just as good as any to have the old goat for dinner."
  10. Dave Ward

    Dave Ward I don't even know where the box is.

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    Dating.JPG
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  11. Dave Ward

    Dave Ward I don't even know where the box is.

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    A malapropism walks into a bar, looking for all intensive purposes like a wolf in cheap clothing, muttering epitaphs and casting dispersions on his magnificent other, who takes him for granite.
  12. BOOTLACE

    BOOTLACE Bikie Scum. Supporter

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  13. Dave Ward

    Dave Ward I don't even know where the box is.

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  14. Wodger63

    Wodger63 Long timer

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  15. Ron50

    Ron50 Long timer

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    Shirley not!
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  16. Dave Ward

    Dave Ward I don't even know where the box is.

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  17. BergDonk

    BergDonk Old Enough to Know Better

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    The French President is sitting in his office when his telephone rings
    “Hallo, Mr Macron!” a heavily accented voice said. “This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland.
    I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!”
    “Well, Paddy,” Macron replied, “This is indeed important news! How big is your army?”
    “Right now,” says Paddy, after a moment’s calculation, “there is myself, me cousin Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eight!”
    Macron paused. “I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command.”
    “Jaysus!!” says Paddy. “I’ll have to ring you back.”
    Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. “Mr Macron, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!”
    “And what equipment would that be, Paddy?” Macron asks.
    “Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer and Murphy’s farm tractor.”
    Macron sighs, amused. “I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armoured personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke.”
    “Saints preserve us!” says Paddy. “I’ll have to get back to you.”
    Sure enough, Paddy rings the next day again. “Mr Macron, the war is still on!
    We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin’s ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!”
    Macron was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. “I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes.
    My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!”
    “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!” says Paddy, “I will have to ring you back.”
    Sure enough, Paddy calls the next day again. “Well, good mornin’, Mr Macron, I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war.”
    “Really? I am sorry to hear that,” says Macron. “Why the sudden change of heart?”
    “Well,” says Paddy, “we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness, and we decided there is no fookin’ way we can feed 200,000 prisoners.
    fjer, Watercat, islandtosh and 10 others like this.
  18. BergDonk

    BergDonk Old Enough to Know Better

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    An Irish ex seaman dies with instructions to be buried at sea.

    His wife went to Seamus O'Malley the undertaker who informs her that he'd never done a burial at sea, but he had friends who would help him out.
    He later told her to be at the quayside at 10-00 the following day.
    On arrival she found a 30ft rowing boat at the quayside complete with 10 strong men at the oars and her husband's coffin on a central platform.
    She steps aboard and Seamus tells the men to start rowing into the Irish sea.

    After 5 minutes Seamus shouts "Stop lads, I'll check it here", and jumps into the sea.
    "No good here lads it's only up to my waist, row a bit further "
    This they did and after 10 minutes, Seamus shouts " Stop lads I'll check here", and again jumps into the sea.
    " No good here lads, he says it's only up to my neck, row a bit further", which they did.

    After 20 minutes Seamus again shouts, "Stop lads, I'll check it here" and jumps into the sea.
    He plummets down and down and reaches the seabed, jumps up and down a few times and returns to the surface.
    " It's perfect here lads", he says, "pass me a shovel " !!
  19. Outback Rambler

    Outback Rambler Adventurer

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  20. davenowherejones

    davenowherejones short old guy

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    I am going riding with a red shirt on.

    What colour shirt were the guys who got killed in every episode of Star Trek?