By Jove, a new pirate joke

Discussion in 'Australia' started by Pickled Amnesiac, Jul 29, 2006.

  1. BergDonk

    BergDonk Old Enough to Know Better

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    Snowy Mountains Oz
    This is supposed to be an actual letter sent to the DFAT (Department of Foreign Affairs and Trade) Immigration Minister.


    Dear Mr Minister,

    I'm in the process of renewing my passport, and still cannot believe this.

    How is it that K-Mart has my address and telephone number, and knows that I bought a television set and golf clubs and condoms from them back in 1997, and yet the Federal Government is still asking me where I was born and on what date ?

    For Christ’s sake, do you guys do this by hand ?

    My birth date you have in my Medicare information, and it is on all the income tax forms I've filed for the past 40 years.

    It is also on my driver's licence, on the last eight passports I've ever had, on all those stupid customs declaration forms I've had to fill out before being allowed off planes over the past 30 years.

    It's also on all those insufferable census forms that I've filled out every 5 years since 1966.

    Also... would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother's name is Audrey, my father's name is Jack, and I'd be absolutely bloody astounded if that ever changed between now and when I drop dead !!!

    SHIT! What do you people do with all this information we keep having to provide?

    I apologize, Mr. Minister. But I'm really pissed off this morning.

    Between you and me, I've had enough of all this bullshit!

    You send the application to my house, then you ask me for my bloody address!

    What the hell is going on with your mob? Have you got a gang of mindless Neanderthal arseholes working there!

    And another thing, look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? I can't even grow a beard for God's sakes. I just want to go to New Zealand and see my new granddaughter. (Yes, my son interbred with a Kiwi girl).

    And would someone please tell me, why would you give a shit whether or not I plan on visiting a farm in the next 15 days? In the unlikely event I ever got the urge to do something weird to a sheep or a horse, believe you me, I'd sure as hell not want to tell anyone!

    Well, I have to go now, 'cause I have to go to the other side of Sydney, and get another bloody copy of my birth certificate - and to part with another $80 for the privilege of accessing MY OWN INFORMATION!

    Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot, to assist in the issuance of a new passport on the same day?

    Nooooo, that'd be too bloody easy and makes far too much sense.

    You would much prefer to have us running all over the bloody place like chickens with our heads cut off, and then having to find some 'high-society' wanker to confirm that it's really me in the goddamn photo! You know the photo... the one where we're not allowed to smile?...you bloody morons.

    Signed - An Irate Australian Citizen.

    P.S. Remember what I said above about the picture, and getting someone in 'high-society' to confirm that it's me?

    Well, my family has been in this country since before 1820! In 1856, one of my forefathers took up arms with Peter Lalor. (You do remember the Eureka Stockade!)

    I have also served in both the CMF and regular Army for something over 30 years (I went to Vietnam in 1967), and still have high security clearances. I'm also a personal friend of the president of the RSL...Lt General Peter Cosgrove sends me a Christmas card each year.

    However, your rules require that I have to get someone "important" to verify who I am; you know...someone like my doctor - WHO WAS BORN AND RAISED IN BLOODY PAKISTAN!...a country where they either assassinate or hang their ex-Prime Ministers - and are suspended from the Commonwealth and United Nations for not having the "right sort of government"..

    You are all pen-pushing paper-shuffling bloody idiots!
  2. BergDonk

    BergDonk Old Enough to Know Better

    Joined:
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    SCIENTIFIC RESEARCH has led to the discovery of the heaviest element yet known. The new element, governmentium (Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

    These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.

    Since governmentium has no electrons, it is inert; however, according to the team of research scientists in Budapest, it can be detected because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact.

    Governmentium has a normal half-life of two to six years. It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganisation in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.

    In fact, governmentium’s mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganisation will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes. This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration.

    This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass.

    When catalysed with money, governmentium becomes administratium, an element that radiates just as much energy as governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.
  3. a2zworks

    a2zworks Trust me, I'm Pablo

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    Legend
    Sounds like something @Knackers would write today :lol3
    LeglessOne and BergDonk like this.
  4. OldDog

    OldDog non impediti ratione cogitationis

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  5. DeepBarney

    DeepBarney International Bumbler

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    Wichita, KS
    And yet not a woman in sight in that photo.

    Chicks dig scars because it assures them they're the smarter of the two. :lol3
  6. Dave Ward

    Dave Ward I don't even know where the box is.

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    King River, Western Australia
  7. BOOTLACE

    BOOTLACE Bikie Scum. Supporter

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    Location:
    Methane Central..(Sth Gippsland)
  8. Big Willy

    Big Willy Gen. Italia

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    Location:
    Sunshine Coast
    This chick's digging it baby!
    [​IMG]
  9. Big Willy

    Big Willy Gen. Italia

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    Sunshine Coast
    And her friend too...
    [​IMG]
  10. BergDonk

    BergDonk Old Enough to Know Better

    Joined:
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    Oddometer:
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    Location:
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    An Arab Sheik was admitted to the Hospital for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to have some of his blood type stored in case the need arose.

    As the gentleman had an extremely rare type of blood that couldn't be found locally, the call went out around the world.

    Finally, a Scotsman was located who had the same rare blood type.

    After some coaxing, the Scot donated his blood for the Arab.

    After the surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a BMW, a diamond necklace for his wife, and $100,000 US dollars in appreciation for the blood donation.

    A few months later, the Arab had to undergo a further corrective surgery procedure.

    Once again, his doctor telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to donate his blood.

    After the second surgery the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card and a box of Quality Street chocolates.

    The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had anticipated.

    He phoned the Arab and asked him:

    "I thought you would be more generous than that. Last time you sent me a BMW, diamonds and money, but this time you only sent me a thank-you card and a box of chocolates?"

    To this the Arab replied:

    “Aye laddie, but now I have Scottish blood in me veins”.
  11. Dave Ward

    Dave Ward I don't even know where the box is.

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    I think emotions would be more a sense of relief these days than being scared upon seeing this.


    Perth Sydney.jpg
  12. Toejamii

    Toejamii Still Learning

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    Brisbane
  13. Toejamii

    Toejamii Still Learning

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    Brisbane
  14. buckscreek

    buckscreek AUTODIDACTIC

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    Vacy
    I went to the computer shop and asked if they could recommend a hard drive.

    Brisbane to Perth in a Datsun 120Y apparently.
  15. sages

    sages Been here awhile

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    Perth, West Australia
    Depending upon your route you may get a bad sector on the way.
  16. gavmac

    gavmac Long timer

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    Boonah, Qld, AU
    I'd say a head crash would be highly likely!
    SmittyBlackstone likes this.
  17. Dave Ward

    Dave Ward I don't even know where the box is.

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    Aug 19, 2007
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    Location:
    King River, Western Australia

    Could be raining Datsun cogs...
  18. davenowherejones

    davenowherejones short old guy

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    Hope "I get there", BC, Canada
    My Datsun was painted 16 colours and then stolen.

    It sat downtown Vancouver for 3 months in the Gay district.

    Someone slashed the tires of everyone parked on the street.

    I had to go get the car or it would be towed and I would be billed.

    That was a hard drive.
    SmittyBlackstone and Big Willy like this.
  19. Creekgeek

    Creekgeek Master Finger Painter

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    So. MD
    Things could get really bad if you start to get a bit lost, byte the wrong way on something, or forget to park a drive that old.
    SmittyBlackstone likes this.
  20. Monkey Rum

    Monkey Rum n00b

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    Nov 22, 2019
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    Essex
    Why did they paint it 16 colours before stealing it?