By Jove, a new pirate joke

Discussion in 'Australia' started by Pickled Amnesiac, Jul 29, 2006.

  1. Dave Ward

    Dave Ward I don't even know where the box is.

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    What's the shortest sentence?

    I am.




    What's the longest sentence?

    I do.
    islandtosh, tuscan, Chalkie62 and 4 others like this.
  2. Dave Ward

    Dave Ward I don't even know where the box is.

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    What's the collective noun for bankers?


    A wunch...
    PilbaraGoat likes this.
  3. drikko

    drikko Long timer

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    Why do the Irish call their pound the Punt? Because it rhymes with Bank Manager.
    sages likes this.
  4. BergDonk

    BergDonk Old Enough to Know Better

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  5. BergDonk

    BergDonk Old Enough to Know Better

    Joined:
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    Snowy Mountains Oz
    My wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers, so I did. She's 25 and her name is Heather.

    Went to our local bar with my wife last night. Locals started shouting "paedophile!" and other names at me, just because my wife is 22 and I'm 70. It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.

    My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a hand-job. I said "Son, that's three schools this year! You'd better stop before you're banned from teaching altogether."

    The cost of living has now become so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can't afford batteries.

    A man calls 911 and says "I think my wife is dead." The operator says, "How do you know?" The man says, "The sex is about the same, but the ironing is piling up!"

    I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You obviously haven't been listening."

    My wife has been missing a week now. The police said to prepare for the worst. So, I had to go down to the Salvation Army to get all of her clothes back.

    The Red Cross just knocked on my door and asked if we could contribute towards the floods in Pakistan. I said, "We'd love to, but our garden hose only reaches the driveway."
  6. BergDonk

    BergDonk Old Enough to Know Better

    Joined:
    Nov 15, 2010
    Oddometer:
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    Location:
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    A blonde & her husband are lying in bed
    listening to the next door neighbours dog..
    It has been in the backyard barking for hours & hours.
    The blonde jumps up out of bed and says,
    "I've had enough of this".
    She goes downstairs.
    The blonde finally comes back up to bed
    and her husband says, "The dog is still barking,
    what have you been doing?"
    The blonde says,
    "I put the dog in our backyard,
    let's see how THEY like it!
    +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
    Two Blondes With Hammers...
    Lynn & Judy were doing some carpenter work
    on a Habitat for Humanity House.
    Lynn was nailing down house siding,
    would reach into her nail
    pouch, pull out a nail & either toss it
    over her shoulder or nail it in..
    Judy, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, '
    Why are you throwing those nails away?'
    Lynn explained, 'When I pull a nail out of my pouch,
    about half of them have the head on the wrong end
    & I throw them away.'
    Judy got completely upset & yelled,
    'You moron! Those nails aren't defective!
    They're for the other side of the house!'
    +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
    Did you hear about the two blondes
    who froze to death in a drive-in movie?
    They had gone to see 'Closed for the Winter.'
    +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

    A blonde hurried into the emergency room late one night with the tip
    of her index finger shot off. 'How did this happen?' the emergency
    room doctor asked her.
    'Well, I was trying to commit suicide,' the blonde replied.
    'What?' sputtered the doctor. 'You tried to commit suicide by shooting
    off your finger?'
    'No, silly' the blonde said. 'First I put the gun to my chest, &
    then I thought, 'I just paid $6,000.00 for these implants...
    I'm not shooting myself in the chest.'
    'So then?' asked the doctor.
    'Then I put the gun in my mouth, & I thought, 'I just paid $3,000...00
    to get my teeth straightened I'm not shooting myself in the mouth.'
    'So then?'
    'Then I put the gun to my ear, & I thought: 'This is going to make a
    loud noise. So I put my finger in my other ear before I pulled the
    trigger.
    ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
    A blonde was driving home after a game & got caught in a really bad
    hailstorm.. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it
    to a repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he
    decided to have some fun... He told her to go home and blow into the
    tail pipe really hard, & all the dents would pop out.
    So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands & knees & started
    blowing into her tailpipe.. Nothing happened.. So she blew a little
    harder, & still nothing happened.
    Her blonde roommate saw her & asked, 'What are you doing?' The first
    blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the
    tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.
    The roommate rolled her eyes & said, 'Uh, like hello!
    You need to roll up the windows first.'
    +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

    A blonde was shopping at Target &
    came across a shiny silver thermos.
    She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up & took
    it to the clerk to ask what it was.
    The clerk said, 'Why, that's a thermos.....
    It keeps hot things hot, And cold things cold.'
    'Wow, said the blonde, 'that's amazing.....I'm going to buy it!'
    So she bought the thermos & took it to work the next day.
    Her boss saw it on her desk.
    'What's that,' he asked?
    'Why, that's a thermos..... It keeps hot things hot & cold things
    cold,' she replied..
    Her boss inquired, 'What do you have in it?'
    The blonde replied......
    'Two popsicles & some coffee.'
    +++++++++++++

    A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out.
    Her boss asked sympathetically, 'What's the matter?'
    The blonde replies,
    'Early this morning I got a phone call saying that
    my mother had passed away.'
    The boss, feeling sorry for her, says,
    'Why don't you go home for the
    day? Take the day off to relax & rest.'
    'Thanks, but I'd be better off here.
    I need to keep my mind off it &
    I have the best chance of doing that here.'
    The boss agrees & allows the blonde to work as usual.
    A couple of hours pass & the boss decides to check on the blonde.
    He looks out from his office & sees the blonde crying hysterically...
    'What's so bad now? Are you gonna be okay?' he asks.
    'No!' exclaims the blonde.
    'I just received a horrible call from my
    sister. Her mother died, too!'
  7. Toejamii

    Toejamii Still Learning

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  8. Toejamii

    Toejamii Still Learning

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    Brisbane
  9. Toejamii

    Toejamii Still Learning

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    Jul 31, 2015
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    Brisbane
  10. Dave Ward

    Dave Ward I don't even know where the box is.

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    Two absolute pearls of wisdom there @BergDonk

    upload_2021-9-19_10-24-56.png upload_2021-9-19_10-24-56-1.png
  11. BergDonk

    BergDonk Old Enough to Know Better

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    Yeah, not really jokes or satire, just statements of truth, so maybe the wrong thread?
    fjer, jemo_7, Dave Ward and 3 others like this.
  12. dirty dennis

    dirty dennis are we there yet

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    Yass NSW
    That resonates sooo loudly!!!
    SmittyBlackstone, numbat and Toejamii like this.
  13. Dave Ward

    Dave Ward I don't even know where the box is.

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    BONER.png


    So, it seems that happiness is having a boner...






    :norton
  14. davenowherejones

    davenowherejones short old guy

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    Location:
    Hope "I get there", BC, Canada
    I need one so that I don't pee on my riding boots. Old age sucks.
  15. DeepBarney

    DeepBarney International Bumbler

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    But sadly it can't be heard now without popping in hearing aids. :D
    SmittyBlackstone likes this.
  16. BergDonk

    BergDonk Old Enough to Know Better

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    Walking and Other Forms of Exercise

    Walking can add minutes to your life.
    This enables you at 85 years old
    To spend an additional 5 months in a nursing
    Home at $6,000 per month.

    My grandpa started walking
    Five miles a day when he was 60.
    Now he's 97 years old
    And we have no idea where the hell he is.

    I like long walks.
    Especially when they are taken
    by people who annoy me.

    The only reason I would take up walking
    is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

    I have to walk early in the morning.
    Before my brain figures out what I'm doing...

    Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise',
    I wash my mouth out with chocolate.

    I do have flabby thighs.
    But fortunately my stomach covers them.
    The advantage of exercising every day
    is so when you die, they'll say,
    'Well, he looks good doesn't he.'

    I know I got a lot of exercise
    The last few years,......
    Just getting over the hill.

    We all get heavier as we get older,
    Because there's a lot more information in our heads.
    That's my story and I'm sticking to it.
  17. bikeymikey70

    bikeymikey70 Been here awhile Supporter

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    Location:
    Temora, Australia
    The one thing this Pandemic has taught me, is that you don't need fun to have Alcohol
  18. UTB

    UTB Been here awhile

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    Brisbane, 'stralia
    If I could give something 1000 likes once a year this would be it...
  19. CJL00

    CJL00 Who said top boxes are useless?

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    Aug 25, 2009
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    Location:
    Urunga, NSW, Oz
    (never have before either) just saying like
    bikeymikey70 likes this.
  20. richo360

    richo360 Long timer

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    So youre enjoying your new scooter then DD?