Rear ended at controlled left turn.

Discussion in 'Face Plant' started by neanderthal, Feb 16, 2019.

  1. neanderthal

    neanderthal globeriding wannabe

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    Sorry guys. I was distraught and getting worse and I had to do something to occupy my mind. I literally needed my mind to be doing something to prevent it from spiralling out of control. i just started writing.

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    It's just before 5 am. I've been unable to sleep well recently. I haven't slept yet tonight. And not for lack of trying. Lack of sleep fucks with you in ways that can harm you. The brain is a remarkable thing that way.

    I'm in the middle of what I can only call a mental breakdown, for lack of more accurate, or better yet, more clinical phrasing. I am not a mental health professional, so I can't say it really is a mental breakdown. It's a rough fucking patch is what it is. I'm single. Not dating. I am alone in bed so, there isn't anyone next to me to console me, who can be a shoulder to lean on. No one next to me to reassure me that everything is going to be ok. No one for me to unload to right now. And sometimes that's all you really need, to let it out and prevent the thoughts in your mind from taking on a life of their own.

    For context; I was rear ended on my motorcycle in 3 months ago. Almost to the day. Waiting at a controlled left turn at a traffic light, and an , ... inattentive driver, (what else but looking at a cell phone, it is 2019,) drifted from the travelling lanes into the turn lane and struck the back of my motorcycle at somewhere around 40mph. There's a lot we can say about the event that night, about distracted drivers, about the healthcare system in this country, how screwed up the insurance system is, but this isn't what i'm writing about. Right now i'm in a bad mental space.

    Among my injuries, I was diagnosed with a concussion. The neurologist seems confident I should be ok, but a concussion messes with your brain in any number of small ways, or large ways, lack of sleep being one of them. Together with lack of impatience, irritability, etc. And of course the mind wants to wander and go places if you're not going to "allow it" to rest. And it's led me to a dark place that mirrors what's outside at this time in the morning.

    I'll start by saying i'm not suicidal. That's a relief. It's known for victims of concussion to get suicidal thoughts. There are grades of concussion, depending on their severity, and the suicidal thoughts manifest in each grade. So i'm glad to not feel like taking my life, but outside of that, I feel worthless. Which isn't a big step up. And helpless, which is why i'm here, writing, trying desperately to focus my mind, to rein it in from the many different directions it wants to go. Corralling it's impulse to go chasing every negative thought down the rabbit hole to the very end is already helping me to pull back the reins on the looming dark cloud that was hovering over me and descending. It was bordering on mania some time ago. Again. I am not a mental health professional. Mania may very well be the wrong word to use, but each thread of thought was racing to a very dark place, and not helping my mental well being at all. When you worst case scenario every thought, when each thought you have starts in one place but goes dark quickly, when the thoughts swirl in your mind unimpeded by reason you get to where I am in a hurry, then you're lying in bed, your eyes filled with tears, your nose stuffy, struggling to breathe. It's the crying, I think, that really gets a man down.

    We males haven't traditionally been conditioned to embrace crying as part of our emotional repetoire, from a young age. It's a sign of weakness. And men must be strong. Your sense of "manliness" crumbles when you cry. On a conscious level we know it is a completely normal thing that all people go through. All sizes, ages, genders, any category of human. Animals cry. All beings it would seem, cry, even God. The Bible tells us "Jesus wept." And even knowing this, in the midst of your emotional turmoil you're already telling yourself to man up. To stop crying. To focus, move on, solve the problem. Or get past it. You don't always give yourself the time to exhaust some of those emotions and let them run their course. Which leaves them unresolved. Which means they aren't exhausted from your psyche. Which i'm sure is pretty damaging to our mental health. Which means the crying isn't helping me right now, as it undercuts my manhood, and not crying isn't going to necessarily help, but feelings aren't things you take off and put on at will, so the tears run unabated. Let's not explore gender, gender assignments, society's expectations of men in, blah blah, blah. My mind can't take another rabbithole to explore, leading to god knows where, but probably, wherever it is, not good for my current mental state.

    I get headaches when I cry. Maybe I should say when I can't "just stop" crying. I suppose it has something to do with experiencing a deep emotional condition and as you exhaust the tendril of emotion, something must replace it. And with no one to lean on I have to man up and buck up and carry on by myself. This is mentally exhausting. It's what started this rollercoaster of emotions. How I got here. Why i am lying in this bed by myself. Why have I been so resolutely single all my life. Is that a type of failure? Oh,... no no no no no. Lets not go there again. This was one of the thoughts in the wee hours. People see me as single, carefree, and happy. I am. But, is long term couplehood a different level of happiness which makes being happily single merely being content by comparison. People, and animals are social creatures after all. Being partnered with someone is only natural. Well, if that's true then being single is "unnatural." You can see how these thoughts just circle the drain and you can see the dark point at the end of that whirlwind of thoughts, and you are just drawn into it. As you marinate on them you can see how your sense of self worth can be compromised in that moment. Your earlier worthlessness, which you arrived at from a completely different angle before, reinforced, a deeper gut wrenching level of emotional wariness reached.

    Once your mind has decided something, it finds ways of proving that true. It's called confirmation bias- "the tendency to interpret new evidence as confirmation of one's existing beliefs or theories." And in the middle of the night with your mind unimpeded by logic or context, your psyche hellbent on an orgy of self destructive thought, you descend to the deepest of depths from the most innocent of thoughts. Because I live with my cousin, (I moved to Texas to buy a house,) that thought, my eternal gratitude for the unending generosity of my cousin and her husband to tolerate my presence in their home, how long i've been here, the impact i'm having on the family dynamic, any strain I might be causing, and do you see what just happened? I just went from being humbled by the goodness of my cousin and her husband to being a parasite, sowing discord in their home and causing division and strife. Of course that led to "I really need to get my own place" which begat but you haven't worked for 3 months because your back is fucked. That started its own conversation about American healthcare, the design of the system, the insidiousness of capitalism in all of that- profit at the cost of health of humans. The insurance companies, how they are just a part of the whole mess, exacerbating what's an already stressful situation, from the auto insurance of the person who hit me, my health insurance that isn't covering my costs because it's 3rd party, to my short term disability insurance which hasn't paid me in 2 months. I've been paying short term disability insurance for 25 years. They're all not fucking helping my fucking mental state right fucking now.

    Why does insurance do this? How? With a not at fault auto accident, health insurance through my work, and short term disabiilty insurance being deducted from every paycheck, there are 3 kinds of insurance that should be giving me peace of mind for this exact situation right now but they're elevating the fuck out of my stress levels instead. Shouldn't I be covered? What am I doing wrong? Do you see what just happened? Again? The crazy thing, (should we use that word considering my mental state?) is that i'm generally a sunny side up guy. I'm a accentuate the positive, it'll all all work out dude. I'm firmly grounded in reality though so i'm not what you'd call a dreamer, lottery wins excepted. And speaking of, no, i'm not expecting some lottery type payoff from the conclusion of this case, insurance companies remember? My inner pessimist has almost concluded i'm going to have to sue. Because insurance companies are miserly. And some people are woefully underinsured. The deranged lunatic i am right now has even decided i'm going to have to sue my disability insurance. This "lawsuit" train of thought has an end date in my mind some time way out in the future where there are flying cars. Am i still going to be living with my cousin?

    The buy a house thing is its own mess. My mum might move in with me so she doesn't live alone in her dotage. A thought entered my mind in this maelstrom; mum is the reason for all this. More accurately. your parents divorce is the reason for all this. Wait. Bacdafucup. That's some 40 year old history. Like literally, I was 7 when they separated. You know where that thought came from? Some idiot once said to me "your parents divorce, the failure of their marriage hurt you so bad that even today, you're scared of commitment." So, if you're keeping score i've gone from being slightly defective by being single, to damaged, because i'm single. That's the marvelousness of the brain. It can rationalise almost anything when you let it have its way unchecked. It will go there. My inner cynic says "I bet if you were married or in a relationship your brain would still find a way to blame you if you were in this exact situation."

    And i don't disbelieve it. My inner cynic. Or my brain really, because I really feel like shit, and my head is pounding. And I still haven't slept.
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  2. Migolito

    Migolito Prognosticator and MotoYogi

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    Sleep deprevation WILL mind fuck you. Thats whats going on with you right now. Stop attempting to 'figure' out the why you can't sleep. The more you're awake, the more you will continue to think AND you are incapable of thinking clearly right now. Call your Doctor and insist that he provide something to make you sleep. Don't overthink this. IF your doctor is not available either call 911 our call uber and get yourself to the ER. Nothing else matters right now, nothing! You need to sleep.

    Then, we can talk.
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  3. neanderthal

    neanderthal globeriding wannabe

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    Thanks.
    It was more analysing my thoughts than trying to figure what why I can't sleep.
    I've got stuff to sleep, it just wasn't working. I took it again last night and I got the sleep of two men.

    It was nuts "observing" my mind spiral out of control and just go sideways no matter what thought entered. Appreciate you migs
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  4. Charlie Gary

    Charlie Gary Been here awhile

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    It's time to call a lawyer.
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  5. icebox

    icebox Long timer

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    Neanderthal,
    I am the guy who posted "worst post of my life" and for a number of reasons I don't look at faceplant all that much. MTGrrl is still dealing with issues from her TBI, get help from a TBI specialist. Lots of things they can do to help.
    Her injury was a class 7 , and she did go back to work as an engineer, but it wasn't easy. You are only a few months out, it takes time. Years for a full recovery, if there ever is one. If you have physical aches from your other injuries for years, very likely, what makes you think your head is going to be completely recovered in a few months? Hang in there. If you want me to ask her anything PM me.
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  6. Sniperx

    Sniperx Long timer

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    You are experiencing a maniacal break leading towards depression as a result of your injuries. My mother suffers from the same thing. She will chase the silliest and deepest thought to the bottom of the earth. The thought trains keep her up at night. The results of the thoughts are depression which is compounded by the lack of sleep. She too didn’t begin suicidal, but it eventually came around to that. Fortunately she got some rather intensive help.

    YOU NEED HELP

    You will not solve this on your own. Your life choices and unresolved issues have given your brain plenty of material to work with. Now that the metering system is broken it’s just running wild. After reading your last post...holy crap do you have it bad.

    YOU NEED HELP

    This is not your fault. You were fine before the accident. You need to get this squared away by the respsoible parties. That’s why there’s insurance.

    YOU NEED HELP





    We have given this man advice based on experience to end and he has yet to take any of it out of some sort of misplaced pride or trust. I hope he takes some before ya too late.
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  7. foxtrapper

    foxtrapper Long timer

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    The uncontrollable inappropriate crying, and it’s counterpoint uncontrollable inappropriate laughing, is called PseudoBulbar Affect (PBA). Common with concussions. Pretty easily treated with mild medication. I was on Nuedexta for several months to help bring it under control.

    We talked earlier about not using a lawyer if the insurance is being honorable. They aren’t. You now need a lawyer, to be your legal warrior.

    You also need help. You’ve good kin folk. Be open and honest about the mess you are inside your head. Be humble and gracious with the help offered. That alone, being humble and gracious, will greatly help you get through.

    From this you can find great strengths and powers. Personally, I’m deeply grateful to PBA and what it did to me. I can’t even describe the sweet closeness it has brought my marriage by my now sharing a box of Kleenex with my wife as we watch soppy movies and cry together.
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  8. neanderthal

    neanderthal globeriding wannabe

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    Wow. Way to jump to conclusions.

    A, I have a lawyer.
    B, I talk to a shrink once a week, every Tuesday at 9 am. Have done from the jump.
    C, I have a life coach/ therapist, in conjunction with the shrink, who is walking me through a lot of the coping strategies I need to get over the mental challenges involved in overcoming this. Which is why I wrote that post in the first place; she said I may need to write some things down if my thoughts start to overwhelm me. And I did. Every Thursday at 9am. Have done from the jump.
    D, I have a physical therapy team. I go twice a week. Have done from the jump.
    E, I even have financial counseling available if I choose to engage them.

    But go off young blood. Tell me what else i've done wrong.
  9. Some Beach

    Some Beach Been here awhile Supporter

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    I think he was just trying to help in his own way. He probably comes from on old school approach and could use a little sensitivity training like most of us who don't understand how sideways the brain can get when it gets rattled. I think it's great you were able to write out your thoughts and I see there are a lot of helpful folks on here who have offered pm advice (which you've probably taken them up on). I'm pulling for you man; keep fighting brother!

    Thank you for posting your journey; it's helping others.
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  10. appliance57

    appliance57 Long timer

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    That's what she said.
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  11. neanderthal

    neanderthal globeriding wannabe

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    Just got the injections; 2 in my lumbar ($9500, yes, :eek7 ) 1 in my thorasic (didn't want to see the cost after seeing the first one!) I'm still woozy from the anesthetic. Just lying down and praying for a full recovery now.

    Theoretically i'm on the home stretch to that recovery. Follow up with the doc in 2 weeks.
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  12. foxtrapper

    foxtrapper Long timer

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    You may well be on the home stretch with regards to back pain (though with those kinds of shots, I question that). But don't make the jump to thinking you're all better with regards to concussion/TBI.

    Fwiw, I thought many times "I'm all better", only to discover a few weeks later that "I'm even more better". It seems common to feel better and conclude you're all better.
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  13. neanderthal

    neanderthal globeriding wannabe

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    So.I had a high blood pressure issue that was being exacerbated by the anti inflamatories I was taking. My blood pressure as always been on the high side of normal, even when I was at my most fit and most active.
    Didn't take any blood pressure meds last week, warned by the ortho that they can cause bleeding for the injections I was having.
    Came home sore yesterday. Couldn't sleep all night. Got up sore and resumed the meds. Blood pressure in the morning was a little high.

    Just now; completely normal. Not even on the high side of normal. And I didn't even take the blood pressure pills I have (I can't take them when I take the pain pills because one raises BP and one lowers it.) Maybe the stress of the body trying to heal the tears in the cartilage increased my BP? And the injections have repaired that already? Who knows.

    Meds should have worn off from this morning. Back doesn't feel uncomfortable at all. Managed thirty laps in the pool too this evening. Six laps in one go, then four laps followed by rest. I've only been able to do two laps before needing rest up to now. The first session was rest after each lap. :pissed

    We'll see how tomorrow goes.
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  14. neanderthal

    neanderthal globeriding wannabe

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    Yeah.

    I'm looking at my recovery as a multistage, multi level effort. There's the physical, which is the one where I feel I may be on the home stretch. I may not be. I felt fantastic all day today until I came home from the gym (I go there to swim.) There was a twinge of something, a hint of discomfort. I took my medication, i've been icing it and lying down. But i honestly feel so much better than anytime since the accident. Physically that is.

    Then there's the mental, which will take longer. Much longer. I'm mostly ok, but i've found myself struggling to find the right words much more than I used to for instance. Forgetting why I went to the supermarket. Etc. I already posted about going to the wrong airport to pick up my brother. I'm having to make a lot of mental notes, then actually jot down those mental notes, because there's no guarantee I will remember them later. It's part of the process. It should get better, but it will take time and effort.

    Emotionally i have a flat affect, i don't swing wildly between extremes. In fact me happy and me glum are very hard to decipher and only one person in my family can look at me and say "whats wrong?" because there's something wrong and they can see it. And that's not a case of me being stoic; i just take things in stride so it's a bit off putting to people when I don't panic or freak out over things. I'm being very careful with my emotional responses
    to things. Except idiot drivers. those I can rage at all I want. :lol3

    I'm definitely not looking at any pathway to recovery and looking for and end in sight. As long as I continue to get better, physically, mentally, emotionally, etc i'll take it.

    I appreciate you man.
  15. neanderthal

    neanderthal globeriding wannabe

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    Follow up with the orthopedic surgeon was today. He's very glad to see the progress. I wanted to go back to work, I feel great, but he wants 4 weeks after the injections, so two more weeks. And he's adamant i'll feel even better.
    Swimming is the best exercise to do right now too, i was told. Resistance in low impact environment, aided by bouyancy. They did suggest I walk laps in the pool as well. Definitely no running. Nothing stressful. Stretching will help; yoga etc.

    The headaches are almost completely gone. Not just in frequency, but in intensity too. No numbness, tingling in the fingers, nausea, vertigo. Only insomnia remains. I fatigue easily, but the body is working at healing itself.

    It's just two more weeks. I'm sure I can manage.
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  16. neanderthal

    neanderthal globeriding wannabe

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    Had some pain issues that would pop up and stay or go randomly. Doc wanted to wait before sending me back to work. I'm fine with that, my manager doesn't want me back unless i'm right. (I have disability insurance, so i'm getting by, although my COBRA is up so i'm liable for paying my health insurance this month; its $25 when its deducted from a paycheck, and it's fucking ridiculous when i'm paying for the same coverage out of pocket; ~$800 I think.)

    Anyway, had some real pain and doc decided that I may need another set of injections, this time targeting a slightly different area of the injury. (Last time was the actual injury area and it made a universe of difference. But it didn't fix errthang.) Something about the space between the nerves or something else. Anyway, that was today.

    My whole back is sore. That is to be expected, for the next few days in fact. Doc said so. In two weeks, if progress is being made then perhaps I should be completely healed two weeks after that. In theory. if things go sideways there are still other methods that can be tried.

    So i'm lying on an ice pack. My back is hollering blue murder and probably trying to stage a coup de etat. I don't want to over medicate, but I can take more soon.

    I was super fucking loopy coming out from under. Apparently I was wowed by the cute nurse. :raabia

    This ... frustrationship of recovery is just getting to me right now. Compounded by the lack of sleep last night. Probably. Headache. Probably a result of not sleeping. Could be a result of the concussion. As could not sleeping last night.

    Anyway, I'll be better tomorrow. If I sleep. Thanks for listening.
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  17. Madscientist

    Madscientist Been here awhile

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    I just finished reading through your ongoing ordeal. No doubt you've experienced some truly difficult days dealing with the injuries, but your last couple of posts suggest they are becoming less frequent, so that is great to hear. I appreciate your wit, humor, and analytical thought, which is quite extraordinary really, given the circumstances. I trust the coming months will reward your determination with a return to a routine similar to what you had before the accident.
  18. neanderthal

    neanderthal globeriding wannabe

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    Good news, :D and bad news. :(

    Good news is i'm cleared to go back to work. :clap

    Bad news is, World Cup Rugby starts this coming week. :cry
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  19. neanderthal

    neanderthal globeriding wannabe

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    I'm pretty sure the doc can give me 5 more weeks off; for my mental health, right? :lol3
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  20. neanderthal

    neanderthal globeriding wannabe

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    Feet were killing me yesterday. I meant to take an extra pair of sneakers to work in case I needed to change out my shoes. I muddled through most of the day quite adroitly. Felt a twinge or few of something in my back, two times when I was twisting my torso. Towards the end I was rapidly approaching "beyond uncomfortable," and was absolutely knackered, so ended up leaving early.

    I didn't get to the point where I needed to take painkillers, though, as the day went on, that thought kept popping up in my mind. I left early rather than make it worse by masking the symptoms with a painkiller. Soaked the feet in an Epson salt bath for thirty minutes. I could see just how swollen they were. Fell asleep with my feet in the tub. Then couldn't sleep pretty much all night. Didn't stretch. Didn't yoga. Didn't check my blood pressure. Didn't anything; I was beat.

    I feel like what I felt was just the body getting readjusted to my normal work activities. I just have to work through it, but i need to monitor my body much more acutely than I have at any other time in my life.

    Today (sneakers) was better. No coup de etat from them feet. Less twinges of something in my back than yesterday, though my back was a little stiff all day. Not sore. Not uncomfortable per se; just a little stiff. I managed to stay my whole shift but was exhausted when i got home though.

    Ear plugs have sometimes been the difference between getting a full nights sleep and a fitful nights sleep so i will insert them tonight. I'm high functioning on minimal sleep but I have to be on top of my game right now and don't relish a third night of poor sleep.

    Headaches have been few this week, but last week they were non stop. Almost everyday. Numbness. None. Tingling in fingers/ toes. Right hand, pointing finger and the "you're number 1" finger, from the knuckle to the first joint. Very mild. Left foot had a lil bit of tingling but it went away.


    Aluta continua.
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