Sorry guys. I was distraught and getting worse and I had to do something to occupy my mind. I literally needed my mind to be doing something to prevent it from spiralling out of control. i just started writing. ---------- It's just before 5 am. I've been unable to sleep well recently. I haven't slept yet tonight. And not for lack of trying. Lack of sleep fucks with you in ways that can harm you. The brain is a remarkable thing that way. I'm in the middle of what I can only call a mental breakdown, for lack of more accurate, or better yet, more clinical phrasing. I am not a mental health professional, so I can't say it really is a mental breakdown. It's a rough fucking patch is what it is. I'm single. Not dating. I am alone in bed so, there isn't anyone next to me to console me, who can be a shoulder to lean on. No one next to me to reassure me that everything is going to be ok. No one for me to unload to right now. And sometimes that's all you really need, to let it out and prevent the thoughts in your mind from taking on a life of their own. For context; I was rear ended on my motorcycle in 3 months ago. Almost to the day. Waiting at a controlled left turn at a traffic light, and an , ... inattentive driver, (what else but looking at a cell phone, it is 2019,) drifted from the travelling lanes into the turn lane and struck the back of my motorcycle at somewhere around 40mph. There's a lot we can say about the event that night, about distracted drivers, about the healthcare system in this country, how screwed up the insurance system is, but this isn't what i'm writing about. Right now i'm in a bad mental space. Among my injuries, I was diagnosed with a concussion. The neurologist seems confident I should be ok, but a concussion messes with your brain in any number of small ways, or large ways, lack of sleep being one of them. Together with lack of impatience, irritability, etc. And of course the mind wants to wander and go places if you're not going to "allow it" to rest. And it's led me to a dark place that mirrors what's outside at this time in the morning. I'll start by saying i'm not suicidal. That's a relief. It's known for victims of concussion to get suicidal thoughts. There are grades of concussion, depending on their severity, and the suicidal thoughts manifest in each grade. So i'm glad to not feel like taking my life, but outside of that, I feel worthless. Which isn't a big step up. And helpless, which is why i'm here, writing, trying desperately to focus my mind, to rein it in from the many different directions it wants to go. Corralling it's impulse to go chasing every negative thought down the rabbit hole to the very end is already helping me to pull back the reins on the looming dark cloud that was hovering over me and descending. It was bordering on mania some time ago. Again. I am not a mental health professional. Mania may very well be the wrong word to use, but each thread of thought was racing to a very dark place, and not helping my mental well being at all. When you worst case scenario every thought, when each thought you have starts in one place but goes dark quickly, when the thoughts swirl in your mind unimpeded by reason you get to where I am in a hurry, then you're lying in bed, your eyes filled with tears, your nose stuffy, struggling to breathe. It's the crying, I think, that really gets a man down. We males haven't traditionally been conditioned to embrace crying as part of our emotional repetoire, from a young age. It's a sign of weakness. And men must be strong. Your sense of "manliness" crumbles when you cry. On a conscious level we know it is a completely normal thing that all people go through. All sizes, ages, genders, any category of human. Animals cry. All beings it would seem, cry, even God. The Bible tells us "Jesus wept." And even knowing this, in the midst of your emotional turmoil you're already telling yourself to man up. To stop crying. To focus, move on, solve the problem. Or get past it. You don't always give yourself the time to exhaust some of those emotions and let them run their course. Which leaves them unresolved. Which means they aren't exhausted from your psyche. Which i'm sure is pretty damaging to our mental health. Which means the crying isn't helping me right now, as it undercuts my manhood, and not crying isn't going to necessarily help, but feelings aren't things you take off and put on at will, so the tears run unabated. Let's not explore gender, gender assignments, society's expectations of men in, blah blah, blah. My mind can't take another rabbithole to explore, leading to god knows where, but probably, wherever it is, not good for my current mental state. I get headaches when I cry. Maybe I should say when I can't "just stop" crying. I suppose it has something to do with experiencing a deep emotional condition and as you exhaust the tendril of emotion, something must replace it. And with no one to lean on I have to man up and buck up and carry on by myself. This is mentally exhausting. It's what started this rollercoaster of emotions. How I got here. Why i am lying in this bed by myself. Why have I been so resolutely single all my life. Is that a type of failure? Oh,... no no no no no. Lets not go there again. This was one of the thoughts in the wee hours. People see me as single, carefree, and happy. I am. But, is long term couplehood a different level of happiness which makes being happily single merely being content by comparison. People, and animals are social creatures after all. Being partnered with someone is only natural. Well, if that's true then being single is "unnatural." You can see how these thoughts just circle the drain and you can see the dark point at the end of that whirlwind of thoughts, and you are just drawn into it. As you marinate on them you can see how your sense of self worth can be compromised in that moment. Your earlier worthlessness, which you arrived at from a completely different angle before, reinforced, a deeper gut wrenching level of emotional wariness reached. Once your mind has decided something, it finds ways of proving that true. It's called confirmation bias- "the tendency to interpret new evidence as confirmation of one's existing beliefs or theories." And in the middle of the night with your mind unimpeded by logic or context, your psyche hellbent on an orgy of self destructive thought, you descend to the deepest of depths from the most innocent of thoughts. Because I live with my cousin, (I moved to Texas to buy a house,) that thought, my eternal gratitude for the unending generosity of my cousin and her husband to tolerate my presence in their home, how long i've been here, the impact i'm having on the family dynamic, any strain I might be causing, and do you see what just happened? I just went from being humbled by the goodness of my cousin and her husband to being a parasite, sowing discord in their home and causing division and strife. Of course that led to "I really need to get my own place" which begat but you haven't worked for 3 months because your back is fucked. That started its own conversation about American healthcare, the design of the system, the insidiousness of capitalism in all of that- profit at the cost of health of humans. The insurance companies, how they are just a part of the whole mess, exacerbating what's an already stressful situation, from the auto insurance of the person who hit me, my health insurance that isn't covering my costs because it's 3rd party, to my short term disability insurance which hasn't paid me in 2 months. I've been paying short term disability insurance for 25 years. They're all not fucking helping my fucking mental state right fucking now. Why does insurance do this? How? With a not at fault auto accident, health insurance through my work, and short term disabiilty insurance being deducted from every paycheck, there are 3 kinds of insurance that should be giving me peace of mind for this exact situation right now but they're elevating the fuck out of my stress levels instead. Shouldn't I be covered? What am I doing wrong? Do you see what just happened? Again? The crazy thing, (should we use that word considering my mental state?) is that i'm generally a sunny side up guy. I'm a accentuate the positive, it'll all all work out dude. I'm firmly grounded in reality though so i'm not what you'd call a dreamer, lottery wins excepted. And speaking of, no, i'm not expecting some lottery type payoff from the conclusion of this case, insurance companies remember? My inner pessimist has almost concluded i'm going to have to sue. Because insurance companies are miserly. And some people are woefully underinsured. The deranged lunatic i am right now has even decided i'm going to have to sue my disability insurance. This "lawsuit" train of thought has an end date in my mind some time way out in the future where there are flying cars. Am i still going to be living with my cousin? The buy a house thing is its own mess. My mum might move in with me so she doesn't live alone in her dotage. A thought entered my mind in this maelstrom; mum is the reason for all this. More accurately. your parents divorce is the reason for all this. Wait. Bacdafucup. That's some 40 year old history. Like literally, I was 7 when they separated. You know where that thought came from? Some idiot once said to me "your parents divorce, the failure of their marriage hurt you so bad that even today, you're scared of commitment." So, if you're keeping score i've gone from being slightly defective by being single, to damaged, because i'm single. That's the marvelousness of the brain. It can rationalise almost anything when you let it have its way unchecked. It will go there. My inner cynic says "I bet if you were married or in a relationship your brain would still find a way to blame you if you were in this exact situation." And i don't disbelieve it. My inner cynic. Or my brain really, because I really feel like shit, and my head is pounding. And I still haven't slept.