It's not your mind, it's your seratonin levels, and of course you can't always control them, any more than you can always control a dozen other chemical processes in your body. If I had one wish for you, it's that you could depersonalize this. It's not you, it's a thing that's happening to you. When I went through my deal many years ago, I did the classic meds-to-stop-the-train and talk therapy thing. The enduring benefit of that, almost 25 years later, is that because I see it as disease rather than weakness, I know the triggers, I can see it coming, I can self-manage and - should it ever get that bad again, which it has not - know when to intervene. Believe me, brother, this is a war that can be won. Just remember the enemy isn't in the mirror.