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Discussion in 'Australia' started by Pickled Amnesiac, Jul 29, 2006.
What kind of birds stick closely together?
Mate, that is hard to swallow, even for me.
And the birds you trust the least?
Dunno, seems pretty cock sure of himself ! Hen ce all these bad jokes...
Back to maths jokes...
This is a polygon!
I can't believe that so many people saw this and nobody bothered to reply to you...
Let me be the first to offer my condolences... We all are very sorry for your loss...
Andrew the drover from a huge cattle station in the Australian outback
appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.
"Well, I can think of one thing," the drover offered.
"Once, on a trip to the back blocks of Broken Hill out in western New South Wales,
I came across a gang of bikies who were threatening a young sheila.
I told them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen.
So I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed bikie and smacked him
in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it
on the ground. I yelled, "Now, back off yer bastards or I’ll kick the shit
out of the lot of ya!"
St. Peter was impressed, "When did this happen?"
"A couple of minutes ago.”
I think it falls on its face in paragraph 3, subdivision of ideology........isn't that what started the US civil war?
He's a Law student, he may be one of the small percentage that didn't get ferried to school in whatever was trendy and leased, until his parents bought him his very own new car. That he earned.
Either way it's a bit rich for an aspiring Solicitor to make moral judgements.
Judeo - Christian Values ?
They'd be the ones where you judge not lest you be judged ?
" Now this I say, he who sows sparingly will also reap sparingly, and he who sows bountifully will also reap bountifully. Each one must do just as he has purposed in his heart, not grudgingly or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver. "
Seems to have a few issues with women also.
Back to the jokes...
I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me—it was her beautiful younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day her “little” sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn’t overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock, and couldn’t say a word.
She said, “I’m going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.”
I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door.
I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car. Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!
With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, “We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn’t ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.”
And the moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car.
After a long night buying a foxy woman drinks, Joe took advantage by giving her a ride home.
After the walk to the door, the woman asked Joe in for a nightcap... One thing led to another and before you know it, Joe was naked. After making great love Joe rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter.
Unable to find it, Joe asked the girl if she had one at hand. "There might be some matches in the top drawer.", she said. He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. Naturally, Joe began to worry.
"Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously. "No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend then?" he asked. "No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear.
"Well, who is he then?" demanded Joe bewildered.
Calmly, the girl replied, "That's me before the operation."
Four men went golfing together one day..
Three headed to the first tee and one went into the club house to take care of the bill. The three men started talking, bragging about their sons.
The first man told the others, "My son is a home builder and he''s so successful that he gave a friend a new home - for free."
The second man said, "My son was a car salesman and now he owns a multi-line dealership. He''s so successful that he gave a friend two Cadillacs."
The third man, not wanting to be outdone bragged, "My son is a stock broker and he''s doing so well that he gave his friend an entire stock portfolio."
The fourth man joined them on the tee after a few minutes of taking care of business. The first man mentioned, "We were just talking about our sons. How is yours doing?"
The fourth man replied, "Well, my son is gay. I''m not totally thrilled about it, but he must be good. His last three boyfriends gave him a house, two cars, and a stock portfolio."
The definition of a man under pressure:
One who has a wife, a mistress, and a mortgage and they're all a month late!
I'll stop at nothing to avoid using negative numbers.
Bloke walks into a pub. Says to the barman... "Pint please."
The barman pulls a guiness and leaves it to settle and walks away.
Next the bloke hears... "Howya handsome", and turns around but there's no one there.
A few seconds later he hears..."Wow your hair looks great did you get it cut?"
He looks over and it seemed to come from the bowl of nuts on the bar. The barman returns and gives him his pint.
Bloke says..."Whats the story with them nuts????"
Barman says: "Oh they're complimentary."
The same bloke hears someone shout "wanker" and looks behind him, there's no one there.
A moment later he hears someone shout "prick" and looks around, he is the only person in the bar except for the barman.
He says to the barman "did you just call me a prick?"
The barman replies "No mate, it must be the cigarette machine, its out of order".
A minute later he hears a voice saying "Lend us a fiver, please?".
He looks around. Still no one there. He hears it again. "Lend us a few quid? Even two quid, please?".
He says to the barman "Did you hear that?".
The barman says "Yeah, sorry, the jukebox is broke."