By Jove, a new pirate joke

Discussion in 'Australia' started by Pickled Amnesiac, Jul 29, 2006.

  1. dunc

    dunc coddiwompler

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    NSW--OZ
  2. Dave Ward

    Dave Ward Long timer

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    An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years.

    He went to a hearing clinic and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear at close to 100%.

    The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the clinic and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect, your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."

    The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"
    Wodger63, RussellM, Bounty1 and 9 others like this.
  3. NordieBoy

    NordieBoy Armature speller

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    Kiwiland
    Who are the ones between Tom and Robert?
  4. Dave Ward

    Dave Ward Long timer

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    L to R:

    DD(?), Tom Cruise, Mariah Carey(?), Hugh Jackman, 'Stretch'.
  5. Andi_Archer

    Andi_Archer Been here awhile

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    Manchester UK
    Stretch Armstrong?
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  6. OldDog

    OldDog non impediti ratione cogitationis

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    Indeed!

    FB_IMG_1531345966134.jpg
    Wodger63, Sfcootz, Mouse and 4 others like this.
  7. BergDonk

    BergDonk Old Enough to Know Better

    Joined:
    Nov 15, 2010
    Oddometer:
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    Location:
    Snowy Mountains Oz
    [​IMG]


    Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety-one?


    [​IMG]


    If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one out of five enjoys it?



    [​IMG]
    Why do croutons come in airtight packages?

    Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?


    If people from Poland are called Poles, then why aren't people from Holland called Holes?


    [​IMG]

    If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

    Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car is not called a racist?

    If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?





    If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, then doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?


    Do Lipton Tea employees take 'coffee breaks?'


    [​IMG]

    What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?


    I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use, Toothpicks?

    [​IMG]

    Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?

    Is it true that you never really learn to swear until you learn to drive?

    If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?

    [​IMG]

    Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?
    ******



    Why, Why, Why do we press harder on the remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?

    Why do banks charge a fee due to insufficient funds; when they already know you're broke?

    Why is it that when someone tells you that there are one billion stars in the universe you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint you have to touch it to check?

    Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

    Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

    Why did Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

    Whose cruel idea was it to put an "s" in the word "lisp"?

    If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

    Why is it that, no matter what color bubble bath you use, the bubbles are always white?

    Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

    Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

    Why do people run over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it and then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

    How do those dead bugs get into the enclosed light fixtures?

    Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

    Why, in winter, do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

    Do you ever wonder why you gave me your e-mail address in the first place?

    The statistics on sanity say that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness Think of your three best friends.


    If they're OK..? (then it's you!)


    ~



    REMEMBER, A day without a smile is like a day without sunshine!


    And a day without sunshine is, like...........night!!!!


    [​IMG]
  8. BergDonk

    BergDonk Old Enough to Know Better

    Joined:
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    Location:
    Snowy Mountains Oz
    Three mischievous old Grannies were sitting on a bench outside a nursing home when an old Grandpa walked by.

    And one of the old Grandmas yelled out saying, "We bet we can tell exactly how old you are."

    The old man said, "There is no way you can guess it, you old fools."

    One of the old Grandmas said, "Sure we can! Just drop your pants and under shorts and we can tell your exact age."

    Embarrassed just a little, but anxious to prove they couldn't do it, he dropped his drawers.

    The Grandmas asked him to first turn around a couple of times and to jump up and down several times. Then they all piped up and said, "You're 87 years old!"

    Standing with his pants down around his ankles, the old gent asked,

    "How in the world did you guess?"

    Slapping their knees and grinning from ear to ear, the three old ladies happily yelled in unison...

    "We were at your birthday party yesterday!"
  9. BergDonk

    BergDonk Old Enough to Know Better

    Joined:
    Nov 15, 2010
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    Location:
    Snowy Mountains Oz
    “Stay!”


    I pulled into the crowded parking lot at the local shopping center and rolled down the car windows to make sure my Labrador Retriever Pup had fresh air.

    [​IMG]

    She was stretched full-out on the back seat and I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there.

    I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically,

    "Now you stay. Do you hear me?"

    "Stay! Stay!"

    The driver of a nearby car, a pretty young blonde, gave me a strange look and said, (this is going to hurt read on)

    [​IMG]


    "Why don't you just put it in 'Park’?"
  10. Toejamii

    Toejamii Still Learning

    Joined:
    Jul 31, 2015
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    464
    Location:
    Brisbane
    My wife had been after me for several weeks to varnish the wooden seat on our toilet.

    Finally, I got around to doing it while she was out.

    After finishing, I left to take care of another matter before she returned.

    She came in and undressed to take a shower. Before getting in the shower, she sat on the toilet.

    As she tried to stand up, she realized that the not-quite-dry epoxy paint had glued her to the toilet seat.

    About that time, I got home and realized her predicament.

    We both pushed and pulled without any success whatsoever.

    Finally, in desperation, I undid the toilet seat bolts.

    She wrapped a sheet around herself and I drove her to the hospital emergency room.

    The ER Doctor got her into a position where he could study how to free her (Try to get a mental picture of this.)

    My wife tried to lighten the embarrassment of it all by saying, "Well, Doctor, I'll bet you've never seen anything like this before."


    The Doctor replied,

    "Actually, I've seen lots of them. I've just never seen one mounted and framed."
  11. Dave Ward

    Dave Ward Long timer

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    Two cats, an English cat and a French cat, were having a race to see who could swim across the channel the fastest.

    The English cat was called One Two Three Cat and the French cat was called Un Deux Trois Cat. The English cat won. Why?


    Because Un Dois Trois cat sank.
  12. MirthfulThylacinator

    MirthfulThylacinator Tradie

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    Tassie
    ... funny, to imagine how that would make no sense to patriotic frenchies....
    WYO George likes this.
  13. WYO George

    WYO George It's not you, it's me.

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    left of nowhere, WY
    Step aside Kola Borehole; we've reached an all new low.

    I took a few years of French so I got the joke, but that's gotta be one of the worst ones yet. I love it!
    Ducatijim, pratered and Sfcootz like this.
  14. Big Willy

    Big Willy Gen. Italia

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    Zut alors :fpalm
    Dave Ward likes this.
  15. Rider 101

    Rider 101 Time poor

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    Avoiding the coal holes Upper Hunter NSW
    And not too many would know about the Kola superdeep borehole
    WYO George likes this.
  16. OldDog

    OldDog non impediti ratione cogitationis

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    Bloody hell Dave. Surely thats earned you a time out?
  17. TrojanThunder

    TrojanThunder Been here awhile

    Joined:
    Jan 23, 2014
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    Brisbane Qld Australia
    I bought my deaf mate Bob a goldfish. He’s chuffed to bits because it just swims around calling his name


    Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk
  18. diabolik37

    diabolik37 Deadly Gubba

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    Down Under QLD
    Not sure if this has been posted before...

    upload_2018-7-13_14-9-17.png
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  19. Dave Ward

    Dave Ward Long timer

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    ^^^

    Just one of several reasons I choose one of the female doctors (at the medical centre I use) for such checkups.

    image.jpg
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  20. diabolik37

    diabolik37 Deadly Gubba

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    Down Under QLD
    I got news for you Dave....

    [​IMG]

    Nancy.. is not a .....

    I'm gonna let the picture do the talk...
    ballbag likes this.